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Soon to be XH starting to scare me, aibu?

(53 Posts)
whensitmyturn Sat 10-Sep-16 19:43:44

Backstory is I found out XH had had an affair last year we separated in the summer (2015) but decided to try and give things another go beginning of this year. It was too difficult for me to forgive and I didn't trust him one iota so 2 months ago told him I wanted to split permanently and have just started the ball rolling for mediation/divorce.

He desperately wants to be back together and the last weekends when he's had the children and I've been alone he keeps finding random reasons to 'pop in' to check up on me
1st occasion he said he'd forgotten a bag of stuff for the kids 
2nd again another bag for kids he asked if he could pop upstairs to the loo (we have a downstairs loo) and went through my bathroom bin as he found an old pregnancy test id thrown away (and pushed to the bottom) as I'd been having a big clear out and questioned me over it. 
3rd came in to pick up something random for the kids very early in the morning while I was still asleep checked up on me in my bedroom.  
4th after promising me he wouldn't just pop in as it sets me on edge he came in last night while I was out and again today and went through my bags and rang me questioning about things he's found. I am so angry.

He's never hit me but he has an anger problem and I've got a wall and a door with holes in from where he's punched them. 
He's totally paranoid I'm seeing someone else which I am categorically not, I just want to be on my own which I have told him many times! But he doesn't believe a word I say, he's more of an act first apologise later person.
I rolled my eyes at the first couple of times but going through my bags and bins? He's starting to scare me aibu?
What should I do?

carabos Sat 10-Sep-16 19:48:30

Change the locks. Accelerate the divorce. Arrange for kids to be collected and returned on neutral territory. If that all fails, get a restraining order.

YelloDraw Sat 10-Sep-16 19:48:35

Get the locks changed pronto! Hand over children outside.

mineofuselessinformation Sat 10-Sep-16 19:48:55

If he is on the tenancy or co-owns the house with you, theoretically he has a right of entry.... But I'd keep keys in all locks but one, which I would change. (Tell him the key broke in the lock if he asks.
If neither if the above apply, he has no right to be in your home.
Either way, don't let him past the doorstep in future. You have a right to privacy.
If he kicks off, call the police immediately.

Hassled Sat 10-Sep-16 19:50:04

Change the locks. Sod the legalities - you can deal with that after he has got the message. Just get them changed - or it's apparently easy enough to do yourself with youtube and a trip to B&Q.

Lookatyourwatchnow Sat 10-Sep-16 19:53:56

You know how far from ok this behaviour is don't you, OP? Treat the boundaries as if he has the same sort of level of relationship with you as you have with a work colleague, for example and enforce them with no window for discussion. You cannot argue with batshit.

LittleWingSoul Sat 10-Sep-16 19:56:08

What PP said.

His behaviour is creepy and controlling. I feel for you OP, however perhaps this is a reaction to the break-up and the intensity of his emotions will die down. I think possibly his reaction to you changing the locks (which I would really should do ASAP!) will be a good indication of how much further you will need to take things (restraining order, supervised contact for DCs).

Hope you get some peace soon.

R2G Sat 10-Sep-16 19:59:55

The further you separate from him the more wrong you will see in this. I suggest reading 'codependency no more'. Don't worry about him worry about you - he is paranoid because he is so damaged he can't understand how people don't operate like he does cheating.

george1020 Sat 10-Sep-16 20:08:41

Wow very creepy! Seems to be escalating as well.
I would do as mineofuseless says and keep keys in all doors and change lock on one that way you haven't legally done anything wrong but still he can't just let himself in.

I would tell your solicitor and family what is happening to make sure they all know.

Handover kids outside of the house, would be even better if you could get close family to do it for you.

His behaviour is not normal and you are nbu!

whensitmyturn Sat 10-Sep-16 20:18:10

Thankyou for your nice words.
It's so strange if i saw this behaviour on a film I would recognise it for being creepy but as it's taken place over weeks my judgement seems to have been skewed. Today with the going through my bags was the final straw especially after he told me not to tell anyone so I've messaged a few friends to tell them and will get the lock changed asap.
He offered me his key back but if I say yes I think he'll just make a copy before he does and yes both our names are on the mortgage.

carabos Sat 10-Sep-16 20:19:49

He may well have right of entry, and it may be illegal to change the locks, but the likelihood of any authorities taking enforcement action to make OP give him unfettered access to the property is virtually nil. The risk of him doing harm (physical or psychological) to the OP far outweighs the risk of her getting a slapped wrist somewhere down the line.

Change. The. Locks.

expatinscotland Sat 10-Sep-16 20:25:40

I'd change the locks. Absolutely. And no more handovers at the house. He kicks off and you tell him it's because he's been snooping around and escalating controlling behaviour. He 'pops by' when he knows you have the kids, they need to be instructed not to open the door to him. You don't, either. 'What do you want?' 'I'd like to see my kids.' 'It's not your appointed contact time.'

Eebahgum Sat 10-Sep-16 20:33:31

Keep any evidence you can. Sounds like my friends ex & she got a restraining order eventually. If he's acting in a way that scares you that's not ok.

embo1 Sat 10-Sep-16 20:42:52

Keep texts, keep a record of what he has done and when.

Rumpelstiltskin143 Sat 10-Sep-16 20:45:57

Easy to change locks, when my daughters BF smacked her, we managed to buy and change the locks in an hour. SOB actually tried his key in the lock when the police released him.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 10-Sep-16 20:48:56

Speak to a solicitor, see if you can get an occupation order on the property, change the locks and put locks on your bedroom door too.

See if you can get non mol, he sounds unhinged and scary. Especially as he's put holes in your walls from anger. I'd be worried about your safety.

And frankly what's it to him if you are seeing someone it's not his call.

M0nstersinthecl0set Sat 10-Sep-16 20:53:37

Change the locks fast. Record everything discussed and that happens. My ex turned up after dropping kids for night with parents at 5.00 am once and searched the bins.
I recorded it all and reported it as harrassment after he broke a window.

notapizzaeater Sat 10-Sep-16 20:53:40

We've got a safety chain that actually locks so you can lock the door with a chain as you leave and you have to unlock the door then the chain when you want to get in. Could you add one of these ?

notapizzaeater Sat 10-Sep-16 20:55:15

Like this .....

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery Sat 10-Sep-16 21:00:52

changes the locks but also - add chains/catches or buy simple door jams or even those sticky alarms to the doors and windows for when you are in. You can buy them very cheaply online. That way you know when someone is coming in. Even the ones designed for using in hotels would work too.

mymatemax Sat 10-Sep-16 21:06:58

Legally you may not be able to change the locks but you are allowed to add additional locks/internal bolts for additional security. If it continues please report it and make police aware. Make sure you have told him that you find it upsetting & ask him to stop.

Pollyanna9 Sat 10-Sep-16 21:07:15

What emo1 says - keep records of EVERYTHING.

Change the locks - if you're asked about it say you feared for your safety (you can always refer to the punched in doors).

Meet for contact away from the house if you can; preferably if you can have someone with you who can also witness any odd or threatening behaviour that would be a bonus.

On a slight aside, when I was divorcing and we were at the stage where he had moved out but I was still living in the marital home and was dropping the kids back to mine, I returned home at the allotted time (from a date) to find my children (3.5 and 7) on their own in the entrance 'hall'. Where's daddy I asked. Oh he said there was a burglar so he's gone outside (I'm like WHAT!) - he thinks there's a burglar so he leaves the kids on their OWN in the house? He then returns a couple of minutes later and he was literally vibrating - "They're gonna have to start paying you know" he says to me. I'm like what are you talking about "These men, they're gonna have to start paying" (maintenance I think he meant!!!!!). I don't think we can underestimate how completely unhinged men get when things change. Thankfully in my case he reduced his weirdness but your chap sounds more worrying certainly based on the door punching.

If you're anxious escalating to these next steps because you feel it might accelerate his nutty behaviour I'd suggest you have someone who can support you (whilst someone else has the kids) whilst you explain to him in no certain terms that you do not want him to do a, b or c and that if he should return to repeated impromptu visits you will be changing the locks and contacting the police because you consider his behaviour intimidating and harassing (and the police WILL do this for you, they did it for me once. They'll have a chat with him and tell him to lay off and then that's the start of a recorded police contact).

StrandedStarfish Sat 10-Sep-16 21:10:46

I would discuss this with your local police. They often provide and fit top quality locks to enable women to feel safe in their homes.

Lilacpink40 Sat 10-Sep-16 21:11:44

I changed locks and felt a lot more secure after I found out STBXH had been in house after saying he wouldn't.

My doctor actually encouraged me to do it as it was causing me anxiety to think he could walk in anytime.

Yes he can legally force entry, no he's unlikely to.

Lilacpink40 Sat 10-Sep-16 21:12:03

Yes he's unlikely to!

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