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AIBU to tell friend of 35 years to sod off?

(57 Posts)
mammyannie Sat 10-Sep-16 17:58:39

Bit of history to start. Met my friend, I'll call her 'Cora', at pre-school nursery. Went through the whole education system with her, then she moved away, got married, divorced, no DC. I stayed local, had DS, became single parent, began new career ten years ago and am reasonably successful. Cora moved back to her parent's two years ago and found part-time work. We had kept in touch sporadically while she was away, mainly on Facebook, occasional phone calls. Now she is back and won't leave me alone! Constant messages on social media, always just happens to be passing my house as I get home from work, sees that I'm online and phones the landline to chat...for hours! All of this I could handle if she hadn't now turned into the food police. For example, tough day at work so I posted a pic of a large glass of wine and bar of chocolate. Get a private message asking if I intend to eat all of the chocolate and drink all of the wine? Yes I bloody well did! Went on a short break and had messages everyday asking what I'd eaten and drunk. The day I came home she was on the phone to ask if I was having a take-away that night! Oh, and just so you know, I don't have a weight problem or eating disorder... DS reckons I should tell her to sod off (he's a teenager and has no patience with Irritating people), but I don't know if I'm just being over-sensitive. Help me mums-netters...what would you do?

chewingawasp Sat 10-Sep-16 18:00:39

I would ask her why she is so obsessed with what you are eating and drinking. Does she have a problem with food and drink?

Shannaratiger Sat 10-Sep-16 18:01:39

Tell her to back off! You're an adult and don't need her telling you what to eat and drink and monopolize all your free time!!

KinkyAfro Sat 10-Sep-16 18:02:00

Not really sure why you posted about jobs/living situation, it's not relevant. Have you asked her why she comments on your food?

Dontneedausername Sat 10-Sep-16 18:02:52

My first thought is that she is going to start flogging you Juice Plus or something!

Lilaclily Sat 10-Sep-16 18:03:03

I'd block
She sounds odd

CoraPirbright Sat 10-Sep-16 18:03:23

Sounds really weird! Do you think she is projecting? Does she have a weight problem or an eating disorder? Or is she newly evangelical about a new dietary plan?

In any event, I would be direct and ask why she is always pestering you about this and tell her it's really tiresome. You are an adult and what you eat is your business!

DeathStare Sat 10-Sep-16 18:04:18

I think she's probably a bit lonely and has nothing else to talk about.

I'd just ignore her messages when you are busy and then when you are free respond with "Sorry I don't have time to reply to messages at work" (or something similar) and then have a chat but ignore the weird food-related questions.

ThoraGruntwhistle Sat 10-Sep-16 18:04:49

She is overstepping the boundaries if she thinks it's appropriate to interrogate you about what you're eating shock it's absolutely none of her business. Along the lines of 'so what are you having for dinner?' type polite enquiries between friends is one thing, but rudely saying 'are you eating ALL of that?' is quite another.

She needs to get the message that just because you're at home doesn't mean she can be there too. Same with being online. I think your DS's approach might be useful if she doesn't back off.

HolesInTheFloor Sat 10-Sep-16 18:05:50

Do you think she's hoping you'll invite her to join you?

mrsfuzzy Sat 10-Sep-16 18:07:05

ask her why she is concerned about this, has she read something, has been diagnosed with something ? must admit i got my judgy pants on when i was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes earlier this year. suddenly became more aware of what the dc were eating and generally being a pain in the arse but i've calmed down now - alot !

DelicatePreciousThing1 Sat 10-Sep-16 18:07:27

She sounds lonely.

mammyannie Sat 10-Sep-16 18:09:27

I posted about job situation because I wondered if she had too much time on her hands, or had forgotten maybe that I'm not at home as much as she is. She became a vegetarian about 15 years ago and I do sometimes wonder if she's becoming a bit obsessive about it. Buys tiny bags of seeds and nuts from Holland & Barret when the supermarket sells the same thing for a fraction of the price. Yeah, I think it's time to say something to her...should I take her a cake when I do?

If someone messaged me to ask what I was eating, I'd assume that they were wanting to come over & share it.

DeathStare Sat 10-Sep-16 18:15:46

Do you think she's hoping you'll invite her to join you?

I agree. I think she's fishing to be invited round. Which -along with the history -is what makes me think she sounds lonely.

mammyannie Sat 10-Sep-16 18:16:36

She could be. But she's back in her home-town and a lot of us from school still live around here. I tried to invite her to things when she first moved back but she never really showed an interest, although we do have very different interests.

ilovesooty Sat 10-Sep-16 18:19:32

I think she sounds lonely as well.

bluecashmere Sat 10-Sep-16 18:21:37

Agree that she sounds lonely. Maybe food is just a subject to focus on when there's nothing left to talk about, like the weather. That doesn't stop it from being annoying though.

Does she have other friends or any interests?

I think you need to be honest with her about how much time you can dedicate to this friendship and see what help you can offer in trying to widen her social circle and reduce her reliance on you. Or cut her off completely if the friendship brings you nothing worthwhile.

Bisgetti Sat 10-Sep-16 18:25:11

Maybe she's lonely and this is her way of dropping hints? Why don't you ask her and find out?

SandyPantz Sat 10-Sep-16 18:27:33

It's REALLY hard to move "home", everyone's initially really enthusiastic of the "idea" of you coming back, but when you do you no longer fit in with their lives and it can be MUCH lonelier than moving somewhere completely new where you know nobody.

It's a really challenging time in a friendship. Give/take some slack, but feel free to call her out on the food thing though, be blunt & call her "the food police" whenever she's acting like it

mrsfuzzy Sat 10-Sep-16 18:28:37

why not invite her out for a coffee or the like and have a chat, you might find common ground or that there is nothing there. nothing ventured...

mammyannie Sat 10-Sep-16 18:28:55 now I feel guilty for being mean about her. Not sure what I can do to help her situation. Like I said, I've tried inviting her out to different things. On the odd occasion that she did come along she didn't seem to have a great time. i don't think it occurred to me that she could be lonely as she lives with her parents, and I'd assumed would have friends from work. Maybe I will give her another chance... confused

DeathStare Sat 10-Sep-16 18:31:41

she could be lonely as she lives with her parents

I think returning to live with your parents as adult can actually be a very lonely experience. It's not one that many people choose to do, more the only option left.

biggles50 Sat 10-Sep-16 18:32:05

Post another picture like a box of wine and copious chocolate bars. If she pms you then ask her if she wants to help you eat it.

SandyPantz Sat 10-Sep-16 18:33:24

On the odd occasion that she did come along she didn't seem to have a great time

yeah, when you do get included by your old friends when you move home it can just highlight how much they've moved on without you. You realise that you really can't slot right back in.

It's different to visiting when you're the novelty guest.

It's also really EMBARASSING to not settle in easily when you move "back home" because you feel like people at work etc assume you'll have friends/a social life because you're from there, as opposed to someone who has moved somewhere new, where there's no shame in saying "I've no friends here cause I'm new and I'ld really like to go see X at the cinema, would anyone like to come with me"

It's way way easier to make friends in a new place than "back home" where you're expected to have ready made bests and you feel like a loser if you don't cause you're "old" friends have moved on doing their own thing in your absense

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