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AIBU - DH and gender disappointment

(107 Posts)
TooGood2BeFalse Sat 10-Sep-16 10:12:49

Hi all.

Thought about name changing but decided against it as those who want to can see my other posts if any doubt.

I had our second son 8 weeks ago. He is a lovely boy and after a fussy start is a placid little guy, sleeping 7-7 with just one feed about 4am.

We wanted to have just the 2 kids, and while I was happy either way, DH really wanted a daughter. He was quite disappointed when we found we were expecting a boy, and despite the brave face seemed less invested in the pregnancy, which REALLY fucking hurt. He started going out more and coming home late, whereas usually he is one of those slightly irritating but sweet 'pregnant ladies are queens, guard them' kind of blokes.

So DS no.2 was born in July. I should add our first son is 4 and very high-maintenance. Lovely and intelligent, but prone to tantrums and aggression.

The first 2 weeks post-birth, DH was wonderful. We were a total team, he was kind, helpful and supportive.

I suppose once the 'novelty' wore off, he began to drift away. He sleeps on the sofa, never helps at night or mornings, leaving me to get baby back to sleep and then being woken by big brother to start the day 30mins later. It's hard. I am tired and lonely.

He barely holds the baby, moans about him constantly and is completely disconnected from us as a family. He stays out late, does nothing to help around the house and complains if I ask him to help me.

The other night he came home drunk and woke me up crying, saying that he wished we'd had a girl, and that he feels so pushed by the two boys. I give him as much love and attention as I can, but he is so continually rude and distant to me that I don't see why I should bother engaging.

This morning was awful. He was sleeping on the couch, ignoring us. DS 4 was having a tantrum and hitting me whilst I was trying to feed the baby. He's a big strong boy, it hurt!

DH just got up and left. I don't know how to fix this. I have tried talking to him, tried giving him space but I'm just so tired of it.

Part of me thinks he is a spoilt wanker who should grow up.

Another part wonders if this is depression, and if so I need to help him feel better.

He has history of a bad temper and being a bit lazy, but this is like nothing I have ever seen in him before.

Sorry for long post, but AIBU to think he should get the fuck over it and enjoy our new baby? Or am I doing something terribly wrong? Please be kind.

DrivingAndGoogling Sat 10-Sep-16 10:16:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Giratina Sat 10-Sep-16 10:17:32

Poor you, it sounds so hard. Will DS2 take a bottle, it would mean you could try to get a babysitter for an evening so you can go out to dinner and talk without the kids around demanding your attention? It sounds like you're at the end of your tether and I don't blame you. DH needs to shape up and stop being selfish.

MollyRedskirts Sat 10-Sep-16 10:20:47

I think you need to sit down with him when no children are around (as much as that's possible) and tell him how hurt you are at his behaviour, and that however bad or disappointed he feels, it's not acceptable to take it out on you or the boys. Tell him it can't continue, even though you recognise he is hurting, and that he needs to seek help.

I was expecting this thread to be about gender disappointment after just having had a scan. It's worrying that the baby is here and your DH is acting like this. He's had plenty of time to prepare himself and get used to reality, and that he hasn't and seems to be getting worse shows that he needs some help.

Witchend Sat 10-Sep-16 10:24:07

Actually he sounds possibly depressed. Could you persuade him to ser a doctor and talk about it?

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 10-Sep-16 10:24:12

Baby is mainly formula fed now and took perfectly to bottles so he does have the opportunity to bond that way, he just doesn't want to.

My MIL did come round for an evening so we could go for dinner and talk, but he seemed to see it as a chance to get pissed without the guilt rather than time for us to bond.

He has a really difficult relationship with his mum who didn't raise him, so I'm sure it's rooted in that somewhere, but he's nearly 40 and I'm 11 years younger with 2 kids - I don't feel like I can be his therapist. Even if he admits he's jealous, it's back to ignoring me the next day

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 10-Sep-16 10:24:43

Depression does sound like a possibility TBH.

If it's not that, then he is effectively punishing you & your DSs because he wanted a girl. That doesn't make him a very nice person does it?

He does need a reality check - he has two healthy DCs, lots of people would love to be able to say the same.

RandomMess Sat 10-Sep-16 10:25:46

I think you need to get through to your "H" that ALL 4 years are bl**dy hard work!

I think it is probably more about him slipping in your priorities than about it being a 2nd son than he even realises tbh.

I would actually be more concerned that he is fed up with family life and opting out is easier/the attraction to someone else is on his mind (real or otherwise)

Anyway time for some serious discussions about what he stands to lose if he doesn't address his behaviour AND feelings.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 10-Sep-16 10:26:03

I've just seen your update - what is he jealous of?

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 10-Sep-16 10:26:43

I thought he'd fall in love with him once he was here.Just not happening.

I've asked him about feeling unhappy/depressed and he says yes, but won't see anyone. Then it's like he regrets admitting it and starts saying I'm always nagging or complaining at him which I disagree with - if anything, I feel.myself shutting up more and more.

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 10-Sep-16 10:29:11

He says he is jealous of the time my children take up and that I seem to have no room left for him. But baby is only up once at night, so I'm not exactly napping all day and in bed by 8. But the less he helps me, the more I have to do, and he doesn't seem to understand this.

Rozdeek Sat 10-Sep-16 10:29:25

I don't think he sounds depressed. I think he sounds like an arsehole. What specifically was he hoping to get out of a girl that he won't get out of a boy?

Yanbu at all flowers

TooGood2BeFalse Sat 10-Sep-16 10:30:32

Random that is what I am worried about. That he is sick of family life altogether. But the baby was planned, not an accident so I can't understand why he would have regrets now after already being a dad for 4 years to DS 1.

SaggyNaggy Sat 10-Sep-16 10:35:46

Why are you, when you're already ling with 2 children, bending over backward to accommodate a third baby?

Tell him to shape up, help more or fuck off.
He's an adult, not a spoiled child who needs his arse wiping.

ChicRock Sat 10-Sep-16 10:35:52

I think your DH probably needs a good kick up the arse, maybe another course of anger management if he's still a bad tempered arsehole, some parenting classes, and some couples counselling.

No, actually I think he's simply checked out of family life but is using the snivelling and whining that your second child wasn't a girl as an excuse. I'd bet he'd be exactly the same if your DS was a girl.

MephistoMarley Sat 10-Sep-16 10:36:18

He doesn't sound depressed he sounds like a total manbaby who would be behaving like this if you had a girl I expect. I'd be telling him to sling his hook until he was ready to be a wholehearted member of the family.

Oliversmumsarmy Sat 10-Sep-16 10:50:54

I think your dh sounds like an entitled spoilt a***hole who needs to realise just because you want something doesn't mean you get it and to take out his disappointment on a tiny baby and a 4 year old (could your 4yo be mirroring his dad's behaviour and anger) is very worrying.

From what I remember the gender of a baby is determined by the man. He could try having a girl with numerous other women and he would end up with sons 99 times out of 100.

What did he think would happen with a girl? Did he think he would pay all his attention to his "Dd" and ignore his Ds?

He does need to grow up and stop acting like a drama queen?

Beeziekn33ze Sat 10-Sep-16 10:51:12

Oh dear, TooGood, you've got three little boys to cope with now! Sounds as if your husband needs a health check. With him sleeping on the sofa I guess neither of you is getting much proper rest which isn't good.
Can you get him to feed his baby while you're doing something else? Just present him with bottle and baby as you disappear to another room? Or can he do bath and bed with his older son?
40 seems to be a big milestone for men. A relative bought his first house and said 'I'm a grown up!' at 39 3/4. Then he went for (and completed! ) his first triathlon having barely swum or been on a bicycle for 20+ years!
I do hope he starts to pull his weight is or he will miss out on the two lovely children he has, and you, for his imaginary perfect pink princess! Could he be worried about the challenge of parenting two male children, maybe think a girl would unconditionally adore him?

HermioneWeasley Sat 10-Sep-16 10:55:45

He's an arsehole - of course you've got less time for him. Is he stupid?

I think you'd be better off without him and his moods, you could get on without thr hope he might pull his weight, and you won't have to walk on eggshells around him.


MollyRedskirts Sat 10-Sep-16 10:58:51

I take it back, having read your additional posts. He is definitely using the wanting a girl as an excuse to opt out of family life.

Becky546 Sat 10-Sep-16 10:59:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SplinteryBottom Sat 10-Sep-16 11:01:06

Was he a good hands on dad to his first son during hte baby days?

What if you took DS1 out for a whole day and just left him to it with DS2 and a load of formula? Forget about him doing the normal housework and stuff you'd do on a day with the baby, just get them to spend a chunk of time together and see if he can start to bond?

Dexterjamesmummy Sat 10-Sep-16 11:02:13

My 1st baby was a little boy, I wanted a girl! He became the most beautiful, loving little boy you could meet. He died in 2014 aged 1 year and 25 days, totally unexpected and utterly devastating. He needs to make the most of what he has because it can all so easily be taken away from him.

DonaldStott Sat 10-Sep-16 11:06:21

I couldn't be dealing with his behaviour having a new baby and a 4yo. You are being very patient. If he is depressed and refusing to see a professional, he's being a twat. If he isn't depressed, he's being a twat.

SandyY2K Sat 10-Sep-16 11:07:07

He says he is jealous of the time my children take up and that I seem to have no room left for him.

But even a baby girl would take up your time. I think he's got male PND.

I know a woman who totally disengaged after having her third boy. She wouldn't feed him ... bath him or anything. Her husband had to take over everything.

Your DH needs to see his GP.

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