Over and above maintenance(11 Posts)
I was wondering if any of you would mind telling me how you approach the subject of splitting large child-related costs with your EX's? I know that unfortunately some get no maintenance and no input from ex's. I mean those of you who receive regular maintenance. Do you just accept the monthly payment, or do you expect help with bigger outgoings (specifically school trips for me at the moment, but looking for general opinions).
Is it acceptable to just send DS to ex's with all the info and tell him to get his dad to read it over and let him come to me? I've not really asked for him to contribute to anything extra before, just he odd advance on maintenance. He has paid towards one smaller trip before, but only once I blew my top during a heated debate about maintenance, because he told DS he'd pay half and then never mentioned it again. (He does pay maintenance every month).
I was wondering this just today. In 6 years Xh has only once contributed towards a trip - it was the year 6 £400 biggie which we split. Other then that, he just pays maintenance. To be fair, he's a high earner and so the monthly payment is a decent amount, so I've never really quibbled.
Exh does not pay maintenance (he lives in a different country and there are issues with him making regular payments) but does pay for large expenses, I just call and asks him and he transfers the money to me, for example - he buys DSs school uniform, including trainers, football boots etc every year, approx £300 a year. He has just paid for a new phone and pays for mine and DSs gym membership (it's for DS but he can't go without me). But as I said he pays no maintenance.
DP pays maintenance for DSD, about 1/3 over the expect rate and we also pay half of school trips, stuff needed for residentials, and then we buy all clothes, gadgets etc to be kept at our house. DPs ex just contacts him as things come up and let's him know how much she needs. Example DSD has a residential in a couple of weeks, we paid half and then ex sent us the list of things needed and asked to buy half of the items in the list.
It hasn't always been as simple as it is now, but they both had a chat about 6 months ago and things have run much more smoothly since.
Our arrangements work well, even though they are quite different. We are lucky that we don't particularly struggle money wise, so I guess we may feel differently if we were in a different financial situation (we are in no way rich but can afford what we need with a bit left over). When I was single things were much harder and I spent a lot of time feeling resentful that Exh was 'getting away with' not paying his fair share every month!
I demand, yes demand and expect half of all large costs
Not shoes or such things but secondary school uniforms and school trips.
Ex pays £300 a month, but contributes half for uniforms, paid for DS PGL trip in full which was 300odd quid and buys clothes etc as and when I tell him they need stuff. On what he earns 300 isnt a lot a month, but whatever I ask him to buy for the DCs he does.
I receive maintainence monthly. He pays an extra £6/month on what he should to cover private dental cover for one of the three children (something we both agree is worthwhile) and for the first year he has just given me an extra £120 towards uniforms etc as it's the first year of all three going to school.
If I'm honest I try not to ask for extra as its not worth it.
I text him and tell him how much he owes me. We've not had any big trips yet, but uniform for example I buy it then text saying I've spent x you owe me y.
Thanks for the replies. Part of my issue is that there is a choice of trips, ranging from free day trips to five day foreign trips. I would like DS to have the experience of one of the trips abroad. DS is considering this and a home trip, which isn't much cheaper than abroad and he's already done most of the stuff it includes. but I'm worried my ex will want him to take one of the cheaper trips, for the wrong reasons. Bottom line is, DS will get the trip he deserves even if I have to pay every penny myself, but I do think ex should pay half of whichever trip that is.
Perhaps I'm being unfair. He is a good dad, sees DS a lot, but he spends a lot of money on himself compared to what he gives me for DS and I can't help thinking he'd let DS miss out on the best experience so that he can keep his money. I'm of the opinion that DS is a good kid, has two parents earning, so shouldn't miss out for any reason . Ex does also have another child he pays maintenance for, but I don't know about extras.
I'm going to text him over the next couple of days and say I'll send him the info, and tell him which trips DS is keen on.
I don't think I'd get far with the "I've spent... You owe me"! Take my hat off to those who've managed that
My ex doesn't/won't pay anything over and above maintenance. He is currently chasing ME for £35 after he bought DD2 a jacket a few weeks ago when hers got ripped during an activity when he had them away for three nights. I told him to go chase himself, but I fully expect that my next cms payment will likely be £35 short (he'd charge me for the £7 taxi he harps on about needing to take her shopping if he thought he could!) if he can do it. All on the basis that he "pays his share" of £40 per week for two teenage girls.
I wouldn't send the info. I'd let ds decide what trips he want to go on. Then send ex an email stating the trips he wants and their details and their cost. Then ask him to split the cost. Wouldn't even mention the others
If he's going to be asked to pay he's got to have some input into the choice.
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