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Is it my hormones or is this just plain horrible??

(14 Posts)
devuskums Fri 09-Sep-16 19:44:12

I had a miscarriage at 8wks a few weeks ago. (Much thanks for info from other Mumsnetters posts).My Mil knew as my dh told her we had been to the early baby unit for a scan and they had said there was no hope that the baby would survive. She didn't bother to get in touch with me apart from when she rang to make sure we didn't want to go out with her to an outdoor concert. She left it almost a fortnight then text me to say sorry she hasn't been in touch but she was busy potty training one of her other grandchildren. AiBU to think this is extremely crass?
From longtime lurker, first time poster.

Sassypants82 Fri 09-Sep-16 19:46:22

It's very hurtful. You would definitely expect some sympathy & understanding from your Mil. How does she generally do in sad / stressful situations? Does she tend to withdraw or was this out of character? So sorry for your loss flowers

MagicalHamSandwich Fri 09-Sep-16 19:47:14

I was ready to say YABU after the first two sentences assuming that she may simply be one of these slightly awkward people who have a hard time dealing with others going through tough times, but the potty training remark is really beyond insensitive. I've had a number of MCs and I would have been utterly devastated.

What a cow!

MoonHare Fri 09-Sep-16 19:48:00

It's not your hormones she has displayed unfeeling and inconsiderate behaviour. Is she often like this?

MaQueen Fri 09-Sep-16 19:59:55

I miscarried 6 months before we married. To this day, my PILs have never acknowledged to me, by word or deed, that we lost their first GC.

They do know, because DH rang them and told them.

Then again, they have never acknowledged to me that my father died, 21 years ago...when I had been living with DH for 3 years.

I'm over it now. They're just crap at life.

MaQueen Fri 09-Sep-16 20:00:44

And, so sorry for your loss. And your MIL sounds utterly thoughtless.

devuskums Fri 09-Sep-16 20:01:25

I think she is making it clear that I am not really part of her family. She is usually regularly in contact to update me on other actual family members news/health in a parrot type fashion as she likes to regale as many people as possible with 'important family news'. I can't help it, I just don't want anything more to do with her. I just can't bring myself to speak to her. Oh said he told her to ring me during the actual m/c and she didn't bother. It is very awkward as I want to keep rowing with dh about it but I know its not his fault. They are a cold family tbh.

devuskums Fri 09-Sep-16 20:02:01

Thanks for making me feel a bit more normal x

Number4OnTheWay Fri 09-Sep-16 20:04:27

I think it's an older generation thing. I've had 6 mc and my mil kept saying 'in my day mc didn't happen, you just skipped a period and then it came back, none of this topic stuff' dh made it very clear that it wasnt an acceptable thing to say to someone who had just found out they had miscarried. She now doesn't mention it, bit still can't work out what the fuss is all about.

Number4OnTheWay Fri 09-Sep-16 20:05:29

Much flowersbrew for you. Its a really tough time xx

ProfYaffle Fri 09-Sep-16 20:06:41

My PIL were similar after I had an early m/c. FIL said 'oh, got your dates wrong did you?'. Neither acknowledged it as pregnancy.

SabineUndine Fri 09-Sep-16 20:06:44

It's not very thoughtful. To be honest, I think people sometimes aren't sure what to say that won't cause more upset.

But anyway, flowers for you.

Purpleprickles Fri 09-Sep-16 20:15:32

flowersflowers for you. Yanbu at all, like others have said it's incredibly insensitive. Weeks after my mc my mil rang for the first time since it happened. Not to check in with me, no to tell me someone she knew had gone through similar and going on about how terrible it was for this woman as she hadn't thought she could get pg again for a second dc. This was exactly my story too but she just chose to forget that bit. The whole conversation completely threw me, I was having an ok day and it just dragged me down again. Then she says "well I must go, oh how are you by the way doing ok?" I didn't reply what was in my head for sake of family relations!

Distance yourself and give yourself time to get stronger and to grieve.

Out2pasture Fri 09-Sep-16 20:17:30

Sorry for your loss, but it could be a bit generational. Not that long ago miscarriages were simply not discussed.
the comment about the other gc seems blunt.

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