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To feel like the unwanted daughter-in-law to be

(43 Posts)
Fairybella Fri 09-Sep-16 19:42:33

I'm soon to marry but dp mother can't stop talking bout his ex.... Even having meals together.. She tells us both all about it... She showed her a pic of our dd!

Aibu to feel hurt and a little fucking annoyed now??sad

VioletBam Sat 10-Sep-16 01:09:05

I'd practice some cutting remarks like

"Oh I'm not interested in HER! She's nothing to do with me"


"Are you really telling me all about his ex!?"

liz70 Sat 10-Sep-16 01:13:52

Say, "If she were so wonderful, she wouldn't be his ex, would she?" And smile, tight-lipped.

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 10-Sep-16 01:17:03

I'd say "well his with me now 😃" or "do I need to hear about his ex" with a confused face of course!

Nothing wrong with his mum being friends with his ex but why does she feel like you want to know all about the ex. I mean ffs there is always a reason somebody is an ex

allsfairinlove Sat 10-Sep-16 01:24:02

YANBU. What an insensitive MIL to be you have. What do you think her motive is?

Sparklemummyx0x0x Sat 10-Sep-16 01:30:53

Tricky. Me and and my ex are still on good terms. I'm still classed as part of his family even though he now has a wife. I go to his mum's and sister's for meals, we exchange birthday and Christmas presents. Text all the time. This is fine for us.

Were they together long?
Is your ex still on friendly terms with her?
I don't think there's anything wrong with them still being in contact if his ex and his mum had forged a friendship before they spilt.
However, there's a difference when she's comparing you to her, making out you're not as worthy, putting you down.

I agree with Liz70's comment. Or something along those lines..... 'if it was meant to be, she would still be with him' or ' they are ex's for a reason' 'well, he doesn't love her, he loves me, that's why we're together not her'

What does your fiancé say about his mums attitude or comments?

GiddyOnZackHunt Sat 10-Sep-16 01:39:13

Bollocks to that. Why isn't your stbh saying "Well she made me unhappy mum, Fairy makes me happy. Would you like me to be happy?" or "Yep she dumped me. Aren't you glad Fairy's made me happy?"
It's not your problem. If stbh can't stop her in her tracks then you need to understand this will rumble on for a long time.

LittleBeautyBelle Sat 10-Sep-16 01:52:41

Rude of her. Is she doing it on purpose? She surely is not that dense. Although her doing it from malice is far worse. I agree with the other posters, "why are you talking about his ex all the time? is there a reason you're doing it?"

Nip it in the bud now or she will just get worse.

MinonsMovie Sat 10-Sep-16 07:34:10

If stbh can't stop her in her tracks then you need to understand this will rumble on for a long time.

I disagree. You have to address this. Don't rely on your dh - this is between you and fmil. A few cutting remarks might work, or while you still have the moral high ground a quiet, "can I talk to you about something?" conversation.

Yabu to have a problem with them going to dinner together, or fmil sharing a photograph of her dgc. But you can absolutely ask to not hear about it.

SandyY2K Sat 10-Sep-16 07:44:05

Your STBH should address it with his mum. The friendship she has with the Ex is fine, but you don't need to hear about it.

I suspect the Ex feels the same way though. Why would she want to see a pic of your DD.. when it's nothing to do with her. Your STBMIL is probably just a very chatty woman with no idea regarding sensitivity.

Dontyoulovecalpol Sat 10-Sep-16 07:47:23

Just say to her "I notice you speak a lot about ex to me. I've been wondering why that is?" And let her explain

Fairybella Sat 10-Sep-16 08:26:44

Hi all thank you for your replies.

I used to think it was a slip of the tongue kind of thing but suddenly seems to be a little bit more like a dig.

They split about four years ago and we have been together three.

She has made it clear in the past that we haven't done things how she would like... Or in the "traditional" sense.

My dp hasn't said anything to her about this... The latest comments caused friction for us as I felt hurt by being told.
I think he sees it as all innocent... As did I for a long while.

It doesn't matter to me if they are friends but we don't need the updates! sad

I think I will approach it like you said.

phillipp Sat 10-Sep-16 08:30:28

I don't think there is any need to be confrontational about this.

A chat may do. Explain that you have don't problem with her having a relationship with your dps ex, but don't want to hear about it all the time.

TheNaze73 Sat 10-Sep-16 08:36:18

Tough one this. I cannot see any reason why the friendship should cease just because she split up with your DP however, she doesn't need to be as vocal about it.
I don't see what's the best option for her though. Does she lie about it & not tell you or continue as she does??
There must be a compromise somewhere but, you can't control your STBMIL's friends.

Fairybella Sat 10-Sep-16 09:04:47

I have no intention of being confrontational... It's not in my nature... Nor would I want to control her friends... It's difficult though as she has compared us to each other before... It's just getting me down... Also my eldest child is old enough now to hear it and understand which is pretty miserable.

SandyY2K Sat 10-Sep-16 09:14:41

Time to start spending less time with her. If it's questioned you can either make an excuse up or say you're fed up of hearing about the Ex. That should make her stop in her tracks.

I don't understand why people are unwilling to speak to their parents when they behave like this. If my DM was doing that to my DH, I'd tell her that if it doesn't stop she won't be seeing us unless absolutely necessary and I'd stop making bothering to contact her.

It's down to your fiancé to speak to her, but it seems like many conflict avoidant men he won't do it.

How would he feel if you Mum prattled on about your Ex all the time.

Does your STBMIL generally talk a lot about most things going on in her life or just about the Ex?

Try and ascertain whether it's just about the Ex or if she's simply a gabby yaggy (chatterbox).

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 10-Sep-16 09:20:33

Engage FiL in a lively discussion about his ex girlfriends. Ask him how MiL measures up. Overshare with MiL about your own exes, compare them to DH.

And if they kick off ask them how MiL's behaviour is any different.

Fairybella Sat 10-Sep-16 09:27:03

sandy they are not a perticularly chatty family... So when this comes up it is always a surprise.

I think dp is under the illusion that she can do no wrong... Even when she has insulted something about me infront of my children.

tinkly that made me chuckle imagining their faces as I bang on!

Asuitablemum Sat 10-Sep-16 09:32:41

Tinkly may have something there. If she starts saying she saw X why don't you say oh actually it's funny as I bumped into my ex the other day and tell a little story. Maybe she will self reflect.

GoblinLittleOwl Sat 10-Sep-16 09:37:14

I think it is calculated; why should you want to hear about her?
Your soon to be husband's response isn't good either.
You do need to think of a putdown, and I do like the idea of asking her husband about his previous girlfriends.

PGPsabitch Sat 10-Sep-16 09:46:06

I think you need to worry more about your dp here if he'll happily hear her insult you in front of your children and still thinks it's innocent.

If he's not standing up for you when you are insulted by her then it's not surprising that he's seeing her comments as fine. And that won't change.

trafalgargal Sat 10-Sep-16 09:46:21

Does your ex have children with her ?
Mind you what she says may not be the reality. My first MIL was an absolute cow to me and although she wasn't why we split up her constant criticism of me certainly didn't help. Fast forward twenty years and I met up for a drink with my ex BIL and apparently all latter girlfriends and his wife were all informed he should never have let me go as I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I'm sure they all hated me for it but it was rose coloured specs and she was just as difficult for me as I'm sure she made it for them.

If there's kids involved it's nice there is still a relationship , or maybe she just likes her . For you don't have a lot in common she may just fall back on talking to you about people you have in common without even thinking it'd annoy you as the relationship is long over.

DoreenLethal Sat 10-Sep-16 09:53:06

'I'm sorry - why are you telling me this? Do you think I care? Or are you subtly trying to tell me you are in a relationship with her as you seem a bit keen on her. Cup of tea?'

NicknameUsed Sat 10-Sep-16 09:54:00

"I think dp is under the illusion that she can do no wrong... Even when she has insulted something about me infront of my children."

This is a massive red flag for me. You not only have a soon to be MIL problem, but a husband to be problem. His loyalties should be with you not his mother.

windmillsofyourmind Sat 10-Sep-16 09:54:24

If your soon to be Dh is anything like mine he won't see any intended insult to you from his dm. Mine wouldn't know an insult unless it was slapping him in the face, as thick skinned as they come. I'd tackle it myself. Time to stand up to her, as someone else said, as soon as she mentions his ex start talking about yours, perhaps telling her how much your family adored the last one. Don't let her get away with it.

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