Partner's sister and her troop have invited themselves to our 1st Christmas!(60 Posts)
First things first, I'm in a same-sex female relationship just incase the excessive use of female pronouns confuse people! Also, sorry for the long post - it's a bit of a rant!
My partner (DG) and I have recently had an offer accepted on a house and are planning on moving in around the beginning of November. I'm currently living with my parents while DG is renting a place half hour away. DG's family live 4 hours away and DG had told me that whether we had acquired a house by Christmas or not that she would be spending Christmas in our county and not going to stay with her family. Therefore, I'd made plans for us both to spend Christmas with my parents (as they live local). DG was happy with and had agreed to all of this. As it turns out, we have managed to buy a house (in the same county) and will be moving in before Christmas. We will be waiting until the January sales to buy things like spare beds, a dining table, decent sofas, fully working oven etc. and so I had told my parents that we would still like to come to them for Christmas dinner due to the disarray that our own house is likely to be in. My parents agreed that this was completely fine (plus I am an only child and so it saves them eating alone).
However, today DG has told me that her sister has asked if she, her husband, 5 year old daughter & large dog can spend Christmas with us at our new home this year (she wasn't asked, she's inviting herself). Apparently DG's sister had asked their mother but she's working and her husband's family already have plans (so basically we are a 3rd resort!). DG told her sister that she would need to check with my parents as we were planning on having Christmas dinner at theirs. Why does DG think it would just be fine for my parents to host another 3 guests (when we are only 4 people to begin with) and a dog? I'm sure my parents wouldn't say no, but I know it would be added pressure; they only have a 6 seater table and me nor my parents are 'animal' people (we have never had pets) and I can't see them being happy with having a dog in their home. DG has suggested that we host the dinner in our new home instead. But I also don't want a dog in our home, especially since its new. I've also explained that its unlikely that we will have plentiful furniture by then but DG has said that her sister and family will be happy to sleep on airbeds. They are planning to come down on Christmas Eve (even though DG has work until 6pm and I'd therefore made plans to spend the daytime with family and friends rather than spend it alone) and then leave on Boxing Day.
Am I being unreasonable by not wanting her sister and her troop to come? Why doesn't her sister realise that she would be intruding on our 1st Christmas together? Plus we will have only moved in a few weeks before! I was looking forward to waking up in our new home and having a quiet dinner with my parents. Also, what kind of parents are happy to get their 5 year old to travel for 3 hours on Christmas Eve, sleep on an airbed on the floor, and wake up in an unfamiliar house (that will probably not have a Christmas tree and decorations due to budget!) on Christmas Day to open her presents? Plus it would mean DG's sister packing all their daughters presents into the car, and then after opening them, repacking them all on Christmas Night ready to leave the next morning?!
I don't want to offend DG's sister, but I also don't think we should be changing our plans just because she's invited herself, especially when we were her 3rd choice!
Any advice would help. I've been stressed enough lately with the whole house buying process, working out our financials etc and this is just adding on top of me. I've asked DG if we can promise them next Chrismtas instead (since we at least would have been living there for more than a few weeks by then!) but DG doesn't seem stressed at all, she says she can't tell her sister no, and keeps saying "it'll all be fine, we'll work something out." I want to SCREAM hahaha. Again, sorry for the long post!
You need to be honest - "that doesn't work for me, we will not be ready to entertain guests, hence going to parents, I will find it too stressful to do it this year". Start as you mean to go on - her DSis inviting herself is v rude and I would not allow the precedence to be set.
Meant to add - if your DG says "it'll be fine" don't let her brush you off - "I'm serious, it ain't happening and you need to let your DSis know so they can make other arrangements or stay in their own house. Maybe we can visit them in the new year". Or something. It's your house too and you get a say in who visits and when.
I think you are worrying FAR too much about all the detail you've gone into about not having beds and worrying about the dd waking in your house, and parents having to bring present with them All that is a very normal part of traveling and being with extended family at Christmas.
The only point here is that you already have plans. You won't be there for Christmas. That's all your partner has to say - "Oh, sorry, we've already got plans, and won't be here for Christmas. We;ll have to get together next year".
Are you sure your DGs sister really 'invited herself'? It sounds like your DG wants her to come, and if her sis really did try and invite herself, it would have been very easy for your DG to put her off with the while 'new house, no furniture' argument.
Yadnbu though. I would put my foot down and say no.
Totally unfair of your DG to have set this up without consultation and when told no, not to tell her DSis it cannot happen. YANBU. I would be furious. Don't let her stress you out and string her DSis along any more, she needs to call her tonight and tell her no.
You dont need to explain about beds and blah de blah you and your girlfriend have plans you have to say no to her sister you already have christmas plans start as you mean to go on or you will be a walk over in the future
Who the hell invites themselves and their family to someone elses for Xmas?
No no and again no.
Be straight and up front, this isnt happening. She isnt your parents problem. Tell DG to tell her to cook her own Xmas dinner for her own family instead of freelaoding off somone else.
You have plans and its not fair for them to expect you to change them at Xmas. Why should you miss out on your family to have to entertain DG's family? Do you know them well?
I agree suggest visiting THEM in the new year but not at your house until you are settled and ready for guests, and even then dont be pressurised into having them all to stay if you dont want to. They have a large dog, they can kennel it or get a b&b.
And I wouldnt agree to anything about next Xmas at this time, sounds like you may get more than you bargained for.
Why doesn't her sister realise that she would be intruding on our 1st Christmas together? Plus we will have only moved in a few weeks before!
Why doesn't your girlfriend realise it either?
She should have told her no, because the pair of you have already made arrangements for this year.
Your DG doesn't seem to have a problem with this scenario...
Why is the sister so desperate to deposit herself on someone else? Why can't they have Christmas in their own home? Frankly I'd far rather do that than stay in someone else's home, particularly if it entailed sleeping on uncomfortable air beds.
I would go for the "Sorry, we won't be here" option but it really depends on whether your partner is on board with that.
You have DG problem not a DG dsis problem
Lord, that was difficult.
tell your DG it's not on, she can stay and entertain them, take the time off work and you'll be at your parents.
The sister sounds insane!
Bringing your dog to stay at Christmas to a relatives house when they just moved in!! Madness
Say no, you've already made plans and it would be rude to either cancel them or invite loads of people to christmas at someone else's home.
They can have christmas at their own house. why's that not an option for them? why does someone else have to feed and host them?
It's very odd, what I'm seeing here is that your DP's DSis can't go to her parents so expects to go to YOUR parents - so that so someone else can do all the hard yards of shopping and cooking?? Because that's what it sounds like - if it was a big organised get together that would be different. You won't have the beds.
We're having a similar issue this year, my DM has "done" Christmas for a number of years but is starting to feel like a mug, as the relations who come don't contribute in ANY way either towards cost or in the work aspect and are also very miserly with gifts though they have the money - we are thinking of having it "out" for the first time.
Say no! and be done with it. You've already made a commitment for Christmas holiday. It is RUDE of your partner's sister to invite herself when you're in the middle of buying/moving into a new house with no fittings or furniture or time to unpack, and when your parents have already settled their Christmas plans of having you and your partner come. Your parents are not expecting others and did not invite others. Very rude! Say no and say it boldly or this sister will think she has the go ahead to continue barging in. Stand your ground.
You have DG problem not a DG dsis problem
Forget all the details about furniture etc. There are 2 main points here. Firstly, your DG possibly riding roughshod over well laid plans.
Secondly, this is all arbitrary anyway. You hope to be in the new place by November. House purchases are notorious for taking longer than expected to complete.
So if you hope to be in for November, with the Xmas slow down, you need to be prepared that you might not complete until January. So there is no way that anyone should be suggesting people staying with you this Xmas.
In fact, until you have exchanged contracts, it is always wise to half prepare yourself for the purchase to fall through.
So talk to your DG. Perhaps she is feeling a tad nervous about spending Xmas with your folks and the sister stuff is a symptom of that.
YABU about this bit:
"what kind of parents are happy to get their 5 year old to travel for 3 hours on Christmas Eve, sleep on an airbed on the floor, and wake up in an unfamiliar house (that will probably not have a Christmas tree and decorations due to budget!) on Christmas Day to open her presents? Plus it would mean DG's sister packing all their daughters presents into the car, and then after opening them, repacking them all on Christmas Night ready to leave the next morning?!"
because none of that sounds like a problem at all.
But YANBU not to want guests descending on you in your new home before you have furniture or to be keen at the idea of foisting them on your parents. But it sounds as though your DP is keen to have them (are you sure that your SIL just invited herself, because from what you've written I wouldn't be surprised to find that your DP had given her some encouragment).
In any event your problem is with your DP, because you could easily say to SIL "No, thinking about it again it really won't work for us this year. Maybe another year." but it sounds as though your DP really wants her to come. This is probably something the two of you need to work out between you -- neither of you is being intrinsically unreasonable but you have different reasonable opinions.
What's your DP's relationship with her sister like normally?
I'm just going to pick up on the fact that you haven't had a Xmas with your DG but you have bought a house? How long have you known each other?
Back on track both your DG & her sister are being very selfish
What sort of people are DG's family? Are they relaxed and happy to muck in? That might be ok. Not, however if they are expecting everything to be just so, decorations up etc.
Then there's the 3 extra (+ dog) at your parents' house for Xmas dinner - would they think that was a pita, or might they enjoy a bigger gathering, for once? (I am also an only child, and was used to a v sedate Christmas!) Ask them what they think, to gauge their reaction.
Could DG's family maybe come over on Boxing Day instead and stay the night? Whatever happens, don't change your plans for Christmas Eve. Say that you won't be around until the evening, and if they end up coming, then they can time it for when your DG is back from work.
I'm also wondering why the sis is incapable of having xmas in her own home. Are you sure your DP didn't invite them?
Say no. Or it will happen every year and become a 'thing'.
I also wouldn't let anyone bring their dog to my house. I don't know anyone who would think that was ok (unless a regular occurance and hosting family liked pets)
As others have said, your problem is your DP, not your SIL.
You alternate Christmas. One year your family, next year hers. It's what loads of couples end up doing. Is this the first long term relationship for either of you? I remember it's awkward till you work out how you slot in and then just keep alternating.
You're also pushing it to be in early Nov. Early Dec would be more like it.
You're not BU.
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