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Childminder not offering half of DD's lunch in case the other kids want what she has?

(170 Posts)
PurpleElsa Fri 09-Sep-16 10:13:02

My DD (3), goes to a childminder and has to take a packed lunch. I try and keep things interesting for her, and usually put in one treat for her, such as one of those teddy cake things, or a mini roll, alongside standard sandwich, babybel, yogurt and fruit. I noticed that the treat would always be returned EVERY time. I sent it back each day, but it was always returned unopened. I eventually asked childminder about it (as it was getting on my wick and I know DD loves a little treat) and was told that she tries to give all the children she looks after the same kind of item at the same time i.e. they all get sandwich, then yogurt etc. And if she offered DD her treat, the others would want one too.
In my opinion, if she wants all children to eat the same thing she she bloody well provide the lunches. I'm sure on occasion there would be something one of the others had that DD fancied, but she would have to have whatever I had packed.
I'm really cross about it. AIBU?

Oysterbabe Fri 09-Sep-16 10:14:16

Yanbu, that's ridiculous.

JellyBelli Fri 09-Sep-16 10:14:25

No you are not, thats as silly as giving all the kids a gift on another childs birthday in case they get jealous.

WipsGlitter Fri 09-Sep-16 10:16:22

I can see where she's coming from but she should have made it clear "no treats" from the start.

MoMandaS Fri 09-Sep-16 10:17:15

At my son's preschool they follow the early years healthy eating guidelines, so we're not allowed to send treats like that either. Maybe your childminder is just trying to behave professionally in line with what other childcare providers do.

Lapinlapin Fri 09-Sep-16 10:18:18

I guess it depends if she has 'rules' about what sort of things the children should have for lunch. For example lots of schools seem to ban chocolate and so on under 'healthy eating' guidelines. In which case I'd say she has every right to return these items.

If she doesn't though, it seems a bit odd.

Tbh I'd just ask for clarification about whether there are any 'banned' foods. I think she needs to be clearer on her policies. It's not unreasonable to expect your daughter to be given the food you provide, so it makes sense to be upfront about expectations.

YABU to be really cross about it though - it really isn't that big a deal, surely?

Aeroflotgirl Fri 09-Sep-16 10:18:52

That is silly, even at my ds primary school, ds is allowed a treat in his lunch box,

TheNoodlesIncident Fri 09-Sep-16 10:19:55

on occasion there would be something one of the others had that DD fancied

But they wouldn't get it by that rationale, it would be returned with the child like your DD's treat. I can understand the CM wanting things to run smoothly and not have kids kicking off unnecessarily. I wouldn't be really cross about it, it's not like she's going hungry.

It's a bit pedantic sorry, but her not getting a treat item is not the same as "half her lunch" as in your title.

Chikara Fri 09-Sep-16 10:21:04

I wouldn't say YABU but you have to look at best solution.
.
a) if CM provides all food you might not be happy with what she gave DD. DD still wouldn't get sugary treats as other mothers clearly don't approve. You would never be sure what she had eaten. Also the price would have to go up.

b) You all roughly give the same things. No stress for CM or your DD. You know what she eats/has eaten.

c) Your DD has a treat. Other three year olds whose Mothers have different attitude to sugar have a tantrum/get upset. Your DD then gets upset. CM spends time calming everyone down for the sake of a chocolate biscuit that your DD can have at home.

If you don't pack it she won't miss it. And she really doesn't need sweet treats. Not great to get into the habit of sugar after every meal anyway.

Gileswithachainsaw Fri 09-Sep-16 10:21:08

Yanbu. Kids have to get used to having different food to others. It's life. They will be at nursery/school and eating with many different people all of which will have different food to the person next to them.

She's really over thinking it. She should give your child her bloody lunch

fastdaytears Fri 09-Sep-16 10:21:41

A mini roll is not half your daughter's lunch!

I think the CM should have been upfront about no treats then this wouldn't have happened

SaucyJack Fri 09-Sep-16 10:22:06

Why not just wait until she gets home and give her a treat then?

I like the sound of your childminder TBH. You can always change CM if you want your DD to eat sweets in front of other kids.

longdiling Fri 09-Sep-16 10:23:29

This is why I provide food when I childmind, I could not be doing with the different lunchbox contents hassle. I think it's no big deal her returning the 'treat' element but I think her reasoning /explanation is a little odd. She needs a Healthy Eating Policy she can refer parents to so it's all clear and everyone has the same rules.

Arseicle Fri 09-Sep-16 10:25:06

YABU. She basically just has a no junk policy, same as most schools. It's really only the manner of explaining it that she went wrong.

And if a cake is half her lunch which consists of sandwiches, yoghurt, fruit AND cheese, thats a fecking big cake. And sounds like far too much food for a three year old anyway.

DanielCraigsUnderpants Fri 09-Sep-16 10:26:04

If she had a policy on healthy eating then I'd be ok with that, but her reasoning, that she wants all the children to have the same is a bit weird. I suspect she doesn't want to have to manage tantrums if the other children cant have those things too but, life isn't like that. What if one child was obsessed with eating strawberries but didn't have any but another did?

My personal preference is to not include those sorts of treats in a lunch box as my little one would start expecting it, I'd rather him not know they were a given at any set meal time but different folks, different strokes. What works for one might not work for another.

PatriciaHolm Fri 09-Sep-16 10:26:56

Sorry, but I think she's talking sense, even though she could have gone about it better (by having healthy eating guidelines, for example).

Your DD doesn't need a cake every day, and I can't imagine she's noticed she's not getting it. Easier for the CM and healthier for your child all round really, it's not a big deal.

honeylulu Fri 09-Sep-16 10:27:57

I can see both sides. CM should either provide food to ensure EXACTLY the dame is offered to all, or at least be very clear about what can/cannot be included in a packed lunch and why.
But FFS your kid won't die from being deprived of a quick sugary treat. Save it for the weekend. Her teeth will thank you for it.

MothershipG Fri 09-Sep-16 10:28:56

It's not a 'treat' if it's an everyday thing it's part of her standard diet.

She doesn't need it, she won't miss it and in fact will benefit from not having it.

But the CM should have explained to you why she was sending it back instead of waiting for you to ask.

DollyBarton Fri 09-Sep-16 10:29:29

Give your child their treat (that they obviously don't miss at all) at home. I think the childminder has to run her business in the way that is in the best interests of everyone, including the other kids. At the end of the day not giving the treat does no harm and in fact may be doing some good.

FeelingSmurfy Fri 09-Sep-16 10:30:03

If she is going to do that then she either needs to provide the food or give you a list of what needs to be in a lunch box (sandwich, yoghurt, fruit etc but not dictate what each item is as long as it falls in that category)

What if your daughter has a babybel and someone else has a cheesestring and she would rather have that? Does nobody get cheese that day?

It's odd that she hasn't mentioned it

MissDuke Fri 09-Sep-16 10:30:37

My children have been cared for by a cm for three years, it has never occurred to me to send 'treats' in their lunch boxes to be honest. I just send what they would be having at home, a healthy lunch. I would assume that most cm would try to encourage healthy eating. I did send some birthday cake on their birthdays but it was enough for everyone and I gave it straight to the cm so it was up to her whether she sent it home with the children or served it there. I think you need to have a chat with her to find out what her policy is regarding healthy eating. If the treat really is 'half' her lunch then maybe you need to send more healthy food?

longdiling Fri 09-Sep-16 10:31:06

Good point about the strawberries DanielCraigs, there'd be riots here if one child had them and the others didn't! In fact one parent very kindly sent in a punnet for them all to share the other day, I'd have found it very awkward if she'd sent it just for her child and probably would have had to pass it back unopened. Avoiding tantrums isn't always possible but where it is possible by simply leaving a snack unopened then that's what I'd do!

JudyCoolibar Fri 09-Sep-16 10:31:19

It sounds like your DD isn't unhappy about missing her treat, presumably precisely because she can see that no-one else is getting one. So why insist that she be given something sugary and totally unnecessary? The CM may well be doing you a favour in stopping her from developing a dependence on sugary stuff.

Witchend Fri 09-Sep-16 10:34:17

If it's half her lunch then I want one of those mini rolls! The ones I get are only two mouthfuls really.

What she's saying is that for treats she gives them all the same-by which I assume she means she's providing it when needed.

I think it's reasonable of her, saves arguments and is fair for all.

JinkxMonsoon Fri 09-Sep-16 10:36:56

She should have made it clear that putting treats in DDs lunch box makes her life difficult wrt the other children. I don't blame her for that, but just sending things back to you without speaking to you about it is a bit uncalled for.

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