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AIBU?

Or is my children's dad?

50 replies

NurseRoscoe · 09/09/2016 10:07

We split up a year ago when our daughter was first born. He sees her and our two boys 2-3 days a week.

He now wants to put our 1 year old daughter into nursery, because she is apparently too clingy. I said I don't want to, I don't feel the need as my partner isn't working at the moment and looks after the kids when I'm at work, when they aren't with their dad so it's just pointless expense and I don't feel she's overly clingy just a normal 1 year old who likes attention,I like to spend one on one time with her when I'm not at work and her brothers are at school!

He says he will put her in if he wants to, ok fair enough he has equal rights to me, bit wanky as I would of thought he would want to spend time with her too but ok. However now he is asking me to pay half the nursery fees if he does! AIBU to tell him to fuck off?

OP posts:

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MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 09/09/2016 10:15

Whatever he decides to do on "his days" is up to him, but if it involves paid childcare then he has to pay for it.
If you was the one wanting to pay for your child to go to nursery on your days, then I would say you should have to pay for it.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 09/09/2016 10:16

YANBU btw

Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 09/09/2016 10:17

He wants to send her to nursery, you don't. He should pay the fees.

purplepandas · 09/09/2016 10:19

He is BU, definitely wanky. I would not pay.

LumpyMcBentface · 09/09/2016 10:22

He is BU but if I were him I wouldn't be happy that your partner of less than a year is responsible for her while you're working. Honestly, that's not great.

t4nut · 09/09/2016 10:23

His day, his responsibility, his cost. Cheeky sod.

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 10:26

If he wants to put her into nursery the days she is with him, he can. But he can pay for it and do all the dealings with them.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 09/09/2016 10:27

His day, his responsibility. But that would also apply to the OP if it was the other way around.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 09/09/2016 10:27

He is BU but if I were him I wouldn't be happy that your partner of less than a year is responsible for her while you're working. Honestly, that's not great.

Sorry but this. You split from their dad less than a year ago and a new bloke is already around so often he is looking after them without you there on a regular basis whilst you work?

The clingy thing is wankery but if I was your ex I wouldn't be happy about your childcare arrangements.

PatriciaHolm · 09/09/2016 10:30

What would your response be if he said, "ok, my new girlfriend will be looking after them from now on."?

I can see why he might rather pay for qualified childcare. But if he does on his days, he pays; but I can still see why he might be unhappy about the arrangement on the other days. In reality there is little he can do though.

DollyBarton · 09/09/2016 10:34

Agree he can do it for his days and at his cost. Most 1 year olds are clingy!

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 09/09/2016 10:34

OP is your partner actually ok looking after your DD? It's a big ask after just a year.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 09/09/2016 10:34

The OP may have known her current partner longer than they've been together, we don't have any further details, so is it really for us to judge on that bit?

YANBU to refuse to pay half the costs of nursery if he is the only one who wants to send her to nursery and its on his days.

Chikara · 09/09/2016 10:35

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge - great username btw

I agree. If the OP were posting saying ex's new DP has sole care of my 1 year old the responses might be different. (How long have you known this man? And does your ex know him at all?) All relevant to how he feels so maybe be a bit sensitive rather than confrontational.

You should, as adults who want to put the child's welfare first, have a reasonable discussion about what is best for her. Actually nursery might be good for her. Split the costs. Her father's views count too.

SharonfromEON · 09/09/2016 10:38

Yes it is up to him how he deals with her during his time..Is it on set days? As he will struggle to find a nursery with flexible days..

Not your job to fund him..As it is 2-3 days he is liable to pay maintenance... not you fund his time with DD

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 10:39

The clingy thing is wankery but if I was your ex I wouldn't be happy about your childcare arrangements

What would your response be if he said, "ok, my new girlfriend will be looking after them from now on

You're missing a large point; neither side has any right to comment on what each parent does with the child on their days with them. He can have anyone he likes looking after the kid, as can she. Thats how it works.

HeCantBeSerious · 09/09/2016 10:41

As a point of maths, the OP and their partner may have been together for longer than a year - might be nearly 2.

gobbynorthernbird · 09/09/2016 10:45

Hecant, the OP says the parents have been split a year.

HeCantBeSerious · 09/09/2016 10:54

Oops! Missed that!

trafalgargal · 09/09/2016 10:57

Does he want your child to go to nursery on his days or days your boyfriend would have him?

MsJamieFraser · 09/09/2016 11:03

Just say No, if he wants to put her in nursery then he pays!

I don't get the BF issue, OP must trust him for her to allow her to look after the children, also she knows him better than a stranger in a nursery. It's up to the OP who she allows to watch her children.

And the people commenting have no idea how long they have known each other, not that it matters however.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2016 11:28

And the people commenting have no idea how long they have known each other
Totally agree with this!
She might have known him all her life!
And it's nothing to do with any of us any way.

Don't pay anything OP.
He wants her in nursery then he can pay.

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Chikara · 09/09/2016 11:32

Arseicle
"neither side has any right to comment on what each parent does with the child on their days with them. He can have anyone he likes looking after the kid, as can she. Thats how it works." -

Really?? That isn't in the best interests of the child though. Having a kid isn't about scoring points and doing what you like. It's about what is best for the child. It's about having two parents, (and step parents if any involved), discussing and compromising and agreeing on what is best for their DD. Children fare best if their parents agree and if there is a degree of continuity.

My DP wanted my DD to go to a specific school. I disagreed. We discussed it. I still wasn't sure but he persuaded me to give it a chance. Best thing we ever did. DD so happy and doing so well and had a chance that she would never have got otherwise.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2016 11:39

I don't think nursery is a bad idea and will help with her development, but he should pay for the entire cost. I think you should have a say in choosing the nursery, although he may argue that if you aren't paying you have no say.

YANBU

Arseicle · 09/09/2016 11:41

Yes, really. If OP had the kind of coparenting relationship where they talked and decided what to do in the best interests of the kid, she wouldn't be posting here, would she? Of course that is the ideal, but its often not the reality.
And the reality of shared custody is that each parent can do pretty much what they like when they have the child.

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