To not want them to invite themselves along

(11 Posts)
winefixeswhine Fri 09-Sep-16 09:54:27

I've planned a lovely Christmassy treat for xmas eve with dh, and Dc. Very excited. Hoping to start a little family tradition.
MIL tells me on the phone how dh told her what we are doing and that her and fil are coming too and she's really looking forward to it etc. Generally she's nice so it's not really a MIL issue, but I wanted to do this with my small children and if grandparents are there they will commandeer the children and I'll be a bystander.
Aibu and Unfestive to not want them to come? And more so how do I tell them to sod off without being unkind 😣
Incidentally she's just invited herself to our weekend plans too, not 'could I come?' But 'will come with you'. Hmmm.

blueturtle6 Fri 09-Sep-16 09:55:59

Are you seeing her Xmas day, can you say want to have bit of family time on Xmas eve

winefixeswhine Fri 09-Sep-16 09:57:42

Oh yes! That's a good one! Just feel mean because she was gushing about how much she would love it. I don't want to be the grinch.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Fri 09-Sep-16 09:58:17

What is it?

MidnightRunner87 Fri 09-Sep-16 09:58:20

'It's a really lovely thought Mil but I was looking forward to it being just the 4 (or however many) of us. Why don't you join us on xx instead?' Big smile and move the conversation on.

WhatsMyNameNow Fri 09-Sep-16 10:04:54

Can't you just say politely say that you wanted to do the activity on your own.

^Ohh, sorry but we wanted to do XXX as just the four of us, sorry if DH didn't make that clear. How about we work out something fun to do with the kids when we see you on the XXX'.

...or something like that. It's ok to want to do things just as a family. I think it's better and kinder to be honest with your MIL. I doubt she would want to go if she knew you would prefer her not to.

WhatsMyNameNow Fri 09-Sep-16 10:05:40

Xpost with Midnight wink

DonkeyHotay Fri 09-Sep-16 10:12:10

I'll introduce MN Godwin rule by pointing out there'll be someone along saying you should make the most of GPs whilst they are still alive.

There will also be a more the merrier vs less in more. Enjoy your day with your little family and plan something else for ils.

I have this with a friend. If DS, DH or I mention we might do something, she'll ask us to get extra tickets for her family. She'll never instigate anything and assumes it's OK to join. I'll tell here after the fact if I don't want here to go. I love her and her family but I love days out and trips with just my family. Also there's a ripple effect, others hear and want to come /are pissed off. We aren't exciting BTW, I think people like to join in rather than arrange.

It's their FOMO, it's OK to do your own thing.

JudyCoolibar Fri 09-Sep-16 10:27:23

If she says they're really looking forward to it, I really can't see any kind way of telling her you don't want them there. Maybe suck it up this year but tell DH to keep his lip buttoned next year? It sounds like he needs to rein back anyway on telling her your family plans if she's got form for inviting herself along all the time.

Memoires Fri 09-Sep-16 10:36:42

Is it ticketed? Can you say it's sold out?

When she's tagging on to your weekend thing, can you kindly tell her thatyo love spending time with her but that you also need to spend time with just dh and the children. She ought to respond with something like she expects you to tell her when you want special time like that and when she does, you say Xmas Eve.....

Ujjayi Fri 09-Sep-16 12:50:45

YANBU OP. There is the danger that if you let it go this year, MIL might assume your "immediate-family only" tradition will always include them too & then you'll have no get-out clause.
It's tricky - you don't want to offend but if she's the type to assume she can invite herself along regardless then you need to establish some firm boundaries now.
Be firm but kind & say you want that time alone with DC, "you know what it's like, I'm sure" etc. Don't start lying about tickets etc. You'll only put yourself in a worse position if she finds out you've lied. Either she'll be hurt you didn't feel able to be honest...or she'll turn sneaky & not make you aware when she has invited herself to future events via your DH.

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