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how to broach the subject with DS

(24 Posts)
tryingnottobeabadsis Thu 08-Sep-16 18:18:47

So, 95% of the time I get on great with DS, because I mainly just let her ‘special ways’ go over my head and don’t worry about it too much. We have the odd falling out as siblings do but as I’m 5 years her senior I just tend to let it go, she is after all my DS and life is too short for fighting. She is very ‘woe is me’ and always thinks that bad stuff ‘happens’ to her specifically. I avoid her Facebook page due to the vague booking and attention seeking that she fills it with so as not to get wound up.

DH and I sold our house about 5 months ago to buy a new bigger place. I followed ALL the guidance of the estate agent, freshened up where it was needed, moved extra ‘stuff’ into storage (hence needing a bigger place), kept it sparkling tidy and clean and ‘dressed’ it was hard work keeping it like that with 2 DD’s but we did it and we sold within 2 weeks. Also it was very competitively priced for the area and there was nothing like it on the market at all, so we were very lucky indeed.

About 3 months ago DS put her house up for sale. She has had very few viewings and those she has had haven’t come to anything. I think it is overpriced for the size and area – but it does match it’s valuation. I’ve been round a few times recently (usually to drive her somewhere or take something round or fix something for her) and honestly it’s dirty and ‘unfinished’. Her front door is filthy and a few weeks ago, I casually mentioned it, saying how much dirt is out there, must be because the cars park is so close or something, it was my way of telling her without her thinking I was being mean/overstepping the mark. Her idea of cleaning is to put bleach in a bucket of water and splash it round the place (I know I have seen it). She is now complaining that the agents are not doing their job – and she wants the top level service for no extra money from them etc. and wants me to write the letter for her. She is asking how come I sold so easy etc. etc. (easy FFS!!! if only she know that I slept 4 hours a night, went to work took care of 2 DD’s, and cleaned the rest of the time) but she’s being quite arsey with me over it because I don't want to write a snippy letter for her.

Do I just put it on the table and say – I think there is so much for sale in her area and her place has to stand out for a good reason and the place is not presented well enough and risk the balance of our relationship (the one built by me just biting my lip when she is seriously selfish (like texting me at 4pm on the afternoon of DD2’s birthday to ask what she wants and then not actually seeing DD2 or giving her a card or gift even though her birthday was more than two weeks ago now!!!) (or like telling me by text she couldn’t be arsed putting make up on and getting public transport to come see me when I was upset due to a bereavement and DH was working away)). Or do I just not say anything and let the agent deal with it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Thu 08-Sep-16 18:20:40

What do you mean by 'special ways'? It might help if you can clarify whether she's actually got issues

tryingnottobeabadsis Thu 08-Sep-16 18:23:57

she is up her own arse 99.9% of the time and expects everyone to look after her - that what I was referring to her special ways for

ImperialBlether Thu 08-Sep-16 18:25:45

I'd just let her get on with it. I'm watching a TV programme about this at the moment - Phil from Location, Location, Location - he's been very blunt with the sellers. She won't accept it if you tell her, so just avoid her as much as you can.

tryingnottobeabadsis Thu 08-Sep-16 18:31:44

Yes imperial thanks - I just can't understand why her agent hasn't been blunt with her already. Mine was!

Also - re-reading my post made me realise that she is actually pissing me off immensely just now and I just essentally ranted somewhat - I guess a bit of avoidance for a while is not a bad thing

Soubriquet Thu 08-Sep-16 18:35:27

I would tell her frank if she was my sister and then back off and let her come to terms on her accord but then I don't really value the relationship me and my sister have

Dolphinsanddinosaurs Thu 08-Sep-16 18:36:45

I'd be tempted to point out to her the amount of work you put in to selling your place. If she chooses not to then do the same, that is up to her, but at least you will have tried.

ImperialBlether Thu 08-Sep-16 18:38:55

She won't believe it though, Dolphin. It sounds as though life is always harder for the OP's sister than anyone else. If the OP points out how much work needs doing she'll try to rope her in to fix it!

EatsShitAndLeaves Thu 08-Sep-16 18:39:27

I would just step aside this issue.

Upshot is selling houses (if you want the best price and a quick sale) generally involves a lot of hard work and a very unemotional "review" of the condition of your home.

If she doesn't want to put the effort and blame the EA then that's up to her.

From what you have posted she won't listen to what you have to say without getting arsey, so I would simply tell her she should ask the EA for their advice, then nod to any further comments and let the whole thing wash over your head.

She sounds hard work TBH....

RedSauceAndJellyJuice Thu 08-Sep-16 18:44:01

She's not thick , she knows but can't be bothered by the sound of it
The EA have probably told her anyway
Let her get on with it and enjoy your new home

Queenbean Thu 08-Sep-16 18:50:11

I'd tell my sister exactly how it is. But only because it's my sister and we can pretty much say anything.

You don't need to tell her the house is a shit tip or anything, just explain what you did to sell your house and say that's why it sold. Leave the rest unsaid.

Although it sounds more like you're angry at her for a bunch of other issues and just projecting that on to this issue instead

KurriKurri Thu 08-Sep-16 18:58:38

She needs to insist that her agent gives her feedback after each visit, then she will find out what is putting people off, she should be getting a breakdown of stats on her house from websites. E G how many people that look at her house online, go on to view all her photos and then go on to book a viewing. etc. It can tell you a lot about where possible problems might lie.

The fact that she's not had many viewings might suggest that it's not the dirtiness that is necessarily the first hurdle - because if no one has been to see it, they don;t know it is dirty.

Batteriesallgone Thu 08-Sep-16 18:59:34

Keep out of it. It doesn't sound like you like her that much at the moment so it's time to pull back til you find her easier.

RitchyBestingFace Thu 08-Sep-16 19:10:53

When she asked 'how come you sold yours so easily' - why didn't you answer her? She's not going to know you had 4 hours sleep, cleaned & uncluttered constantly etc... unless you tell her

I'm not getting the angst over what is a simple question. confused

Unless there is a huge backstory. clearly there is because nobody gets their knickers in a twist this much over property selling tips

notagiraffe Thu 08-Sep-16 19:12:36

You're her sister not her mother. Just say you will write the letter if she's had no interest after she's done all the things you did to make your house sellable, including blitzing it clean, inside and out, tidying, dressing etc and keeping it spotless through the sale period.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 08-Sep-16 19:14:12

If the message is her house is a shit tip then remember it's always the messenger that gets shot.
Keep out of it for the sake of your relationship!

Batteriesallgone Thu 08-Sep-16 19:18:45

Also you sound a little like you've over egged your role. Your house was 'competitively priced' and 'there was nothing like it on the market' which sounds like that's why it sold. I've sold a shit tip under those conditions that I gave the most basic clean (and it had dirty doors!) because <shrug> I knew it would sell anyway.

Hers on the other hand is priced at valuation and there are similar properties on the market. Much harder to get attention hence the few viewings which as PP said won't be affected by the cleanliness.

Maybe get off your high horse a little and stop comparing apples and oranges. House selling is a stressful time, she might just be looking to vent to her sister and nowt wrong with that.

reddotmum Thu 08-Sep-16 19:22:37

Is your sister single? I only ask as she sounds like my DS who is single and believes the sun rises and sets for her!!!

Queenbean Thu 08-Sep-16 19:38:38

What does being single have to do with it? confused

reddotmum Thu 08-Sep-16 19:56:01

I am very sorry. Shouldn't have said that! Was just reminded of my DS who is single and thinks of no one but herself probably because through her own choice she has no one else to think of. I am not in any way accusing all single people of this it was a solly remark and I meant no offence to any one

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Thu 08-Sep-16 20:01:08

Another snotty comment about single people? Good of you to apologise but that's really offensive to say in the first place.

Flatbox Thu 08-Sep-16 20:19:26

See if you can get her to watch an episode of Phil Spencer secret agent and note how he makes a list of all the specifics that need to be addressed. You could offer (if you think it's likely to be well received) to do a list for her. She may need it spelling out exactly rather than vague things like needing to clean or get rid of junk. Sometimes people have no idea where to start so a breaking it down to task level may help. However , this approach may backfire spectacularly if she's not in a receptive mood. Would I dowith my DS? Never in a million years

tryingnottobeabadsis Fri 09-Sep-16 07:46:07

Thanks all, I think I just needed to vent, because yes you were correct, Queenbean there is a whole list of things that are making me pissed off right now.

Batteriesall gone - I did get what my house was valued too, I just think there was nothing else like it at the time. Also I did say in my original post I was very lucky - I know there is an element of luck in these things, but it doesn't change that I worked my butt off to make the best of it.

Richybestingface- I did tell her a couple of times, saying stuff like 'you know I had to move all of our crap out of the house into storage first' and 'I set the house up like a show home' etc. etc. I guess it wasn't direct enough.

Eatshitsandleaves - she is really hard work, but she is my DS and I probably made the rod for my own back because I and DH have done everything for her helped her so much in the past. I just keep hoping she'd mature enough to know the whole world is not against her and she has the power to make her own happiness. I paid for her provisional license and a voucher for lessons and offered to include on my insurance as she wanted to drive, she kept making excuses as to why no lessons, in the end I found out the DVLA returned the application as there was missing information and she never replied so they refunded my cheque to her (and she never returned it to me). so when I talked to her - she said I don't like driving and I have no need to learn to drive I can get everywhere on public transport... 8 days after big talk - 'can you drive me to the vets?'
Or when DH and I paid for her to come to Australia for our other DS (very short notice due to family sickness) wedding and afterwards she refused to pay it back because the family all pooled air-miles (about half of which were ours) and they paid for her ticket and she can't afford it and thinks we can so tough shit she's having the air-miles ticket.
(she has a DP and no DC and earns more than the national average so she is not that bad off)

Now I have vented again and heard other opinions I will just leave alone. She has not raised the letter point again with me and DM is visiting her today (she only visits us about once a year - so hasn't seen it yet) and DM is the least tactful person I know and will tell her outright.

I have other stuff to focus on so I will do that instead.

The best thing about mumsnet is you can post about whats getting your knickers in a twist, which helps you get over such twisting and makes you see sense before you be shitty twat in real life - so thank you for your honesty. I do feel bad about feeling this way about DS and I'm sure she thinks I am twat at times but I am really not liking who she is right now - and I should just keep busy for a bit.

Batteriesallgone Fri 09-Sep-16 07:53:20

Wow yeah stop enabling her. Step back and let her grow up.

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