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Friend and cheating EXH

(18 Posts)
emilywemily Wed 07-Sep-16 23:58:58

Don't want to go into massive detail but basically my friends EXH cheated on her with a close female relative. This happened over ten years ago and she stayed with him for a while afterwards, then he left her.
Horrid situation obviously.
Anyway my friend slags her EXH off for this on a regular basis, told their DC what he did at a young age and still reminds them of it often. But she seems to have completely forgiven the relative, she has a close relationship with the teenage DC and carries on with her like nothing has happened. I am fully prepared to be told I AIBU but I can't help thinking:
1. She shouldn't have told her young DC in the first place.
2. She certainly shouldn't be reminding them of it regularly in an attempt to make them hate him (he is a good dad from what I've seen and she slags him off an awful lot to them about anything she can find)
3. In my opinion the betrayal by the close relative is just as bad if not worse than her EXH and if she's forgiven her for it she should really for the DCs sake be letting it lie now?
She's married with another child now, and I can't help but hmm every time she starts talking about her EXH now because he is a topic of conversation at nearly every meeting/night out/ shopping trip and this always gets mentioned. I get that he cheated and is a bastard for that but she's forgiven one party and it takes two to tango, she's my friend and I don't want to tell her what I really think in case I upset her confused

ImissGrannyW Thu 08-Sep-16 00:16:09

uncomfortable that you've had no replies. Get why.

Didn't want to read and run,but I would say that as a general rule, anyone should put the children first, and not doing so (for whatever reason) is the wrong decision.

JellyPlum Thu 08-Sep-16 00:48:51

My personal take:

1. No she shouldn't have told them.
2. She absolutely shouldn't be reminding them of it. I think that's a really horrible thing to do.
3. Iffy. My logical head says that they (the ex and the family member) were both awful to the friend and both equally to blame. However, if I was in a situation where a family member (I'm going to use my sister as an example) was sleeping with my DP then I think the sheer number of years that we'd shared good memories, plus the fact that we would be invited to all the same family events, would make me forgive her more quickly.

I would attempt to steer the friend onto other subjects. That might not work and you are left with the choice of saying something or not. I'm not sure how happy I'd be with continuing this friendship if it carried on but that's your decision to make.

GrannyW she posted at 23:58 and you replied at 00:16. That isn't a strange amount of time to go without a reply, particularly late at night. I hope OP doesn't feel uncomfortable that she didn't have replies quicker but I'm not sure why she would?

TaterTots Thu 08-Sep-16 00:51:21

Are you sure you know all the facts? Maybe the ex-husband did all the running and the relative instantly regretted her lapse. Maybe your friend figures that she can remarry, but not find a new sister/mother/cousin.

I'd agree that she should hold back on slagging her ex off to the kids. But it really isn't any of your business, is it?

KC225 Thu 08-Sep-16 07:05:27

As she brings it up on such a regular basis have you just asked her?

TheNaze73 Thu 08-Sep-16 07:53:49

YANBU, she needs to move on

ivykaty44 Thu 08-Sep-16 07:57:46

I would ask her if she still has feelings for her ex as she always brings him up which makes you believe possibly there is some candle being held for him.

All this time later and he's the topic if conversation, something not right there....she has issues

PurpleWithRed Thu 08-Sep-16 07:59:37

Tedious of her to,keep,banging on about it and unacceptable to do anything to destroy the kids relatuonshp with their dad. These are the most important issues and I'd struggle,to be friends for long with someone like this.

emilywemily Thu 08-Sep-16 08:06:30

It wouldn't be my business if she didn't want to talk about her EXH so much hmm
I want to be supportive obviously she's still bitter about it and I've never been cheated on so I can't relate but sometimes she kind of wants my opinion on the man and in all
Honesty he supports his kids (although it's seemingly never enough) his DC adore him but she seems determined to destroy this. I grew up with a mum who hated my dad and always slagged him off it was horrible really.
I don't know the man - never even been formally introduced but I feel like I do because he's so often talked about.
I don't want to be a bitch but nodding and humming along is becoming a bit tedious.

BewtySkoolDropowt Thu 08-Sep-16 08:10:46

I don't have any issues with children being told why a relationship breaks down depending on how it's done. It stops them feeling it might have been something they did wrong.

I also have no issue with someone forgiving someone for something they have done and moving forward with the relationship. That's great.

No 2 is the only one that is concerning. She is seemingly trying to affect the relationship between her children and their father and that's not fair as he didn't cheat on them.

Not sure what you can do about it really, though.

Shockers Thu 08-Sep-16 08:11:03

She did forgive him though... she took him back and tried to make a go of it before he rejected her again.

That must've really hurt.

Could you suggest counselling?

BewtySkoolDropowt Thu 08-Sep-16 08:12:54

Cross post. In that case what you can do is speak about your experience and how it made you feel. Tell her you understand it must be very difficult, but you'd hate her kids to go through what you went through?

mrsfuzzy Thu 08-Sep-16 08:22:55

still holding on a bit ? she isn't with him but the dc have a relationship with him, she seems a bit jealous of that and that's why she slags him off, feel for all of you in different ways, what a horrible situation but esp. for the dc knowing that their mum slags dad off so much. i know someone years ago who dh went off with ow and she started calling him 'the retard' that was bad enough but worse when she started saying it and her ds [under 8's] picked it up. they are about 15/16 now and still refer to 'saw the retard and his slag out yesterday'. just so horrible. there is always bitterness and hatred with this stuff but this is way too much imo

emilywemily Thu 08-Sep-16 15:49:13

I'm not sure where to go from here tbh, she was very hung up on her EXH from what she's said in the past she used to blackmail him into sleeping with her or she would ban the kids from seeing him shock but when she met her new partner and settled down I thought it would be the end of it all - I don't think her DP knows how much she actually talks about her EXH because when he is occasionally is around she only makes flippant comments eg - that prick has refused to give me money for x today or kids are spending all weekend with the deadbeat do you fancy a weekend away, that kind of thing

emilywemily Thu 08-Sep-16 15:58:11

Just realised I forgot to add to my OP - she's been with her current partner for 9 years I think confused and they have kids together

BestZebbie Thu 08-Sep-16 17:02:47

Bewty: "he didn't cheat on them"? Of course he did! He cheated, knowing it would harm the family unit, then he left the family unit. How is it possible to cheat on a partner with dependant children in the house and not also thereby be cheating on the children? (In the same way that if he had amassed a huge gambling debt he would have been doing it to the children as well as to the partner, even if the adults shared a joint bank account with each other and the children's names weren't on it).

emilywemily Thu 08-Sep-16 17:28:26

Whatever the opinions on cheating surely people don't think it should be rammed down the kids throats on a regular basis so they never forget confusedblush

eyebrowsonfleek Thu 08-Sep-16 17:47:53

It's normally the cheating H that's forgiven over OW. In your friend's case, it makes her life easier if she forgives OW and it might be the case that he pursued her more than she him totally playing Devil's Advocate.

I would expect someone who has been remarried to have buried the past. As a cheated on wife, it sometimes infuriates me that he can move on without a backwards glance and not be judged for seeing his children so little. I have to do the boring stuff like make sure they do homework while stays with him are all about the fun as he has more disposable income then when we were together.

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