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To tell her it's not her business

(56 Posts)
R2G Wed 07-Sep-16 16:47:12

Ex didnt pay child maintenance for several years when we divorced.
I eventually went to the CSA.
We both now have new partners. I have had to communicate my childcare arrangements via her for several years - at his ExP request. Every arrangement made this year has been rearranged time wise or cancelled.
He has now had a letter about the new CSA as have I. I plan to pay the £20 to them for then to calculate his payment, but then he pays it me direct. However, if he defaults it is a legally binding arrangement rather than our own private arrangement.
She texted me to ask me to speak with him today. I had already told her months ago that it was a very emotive topic and therefore I did not want to discuss money at all with her/ him and would always go through another agency (I could have gone on to say why, him not paying, his family telling me to starve and then I'd come running back, him holding ten pounds up and telling me to say please, him refusing to come to his sons party unless I paid his petrol etc, me being awarded a small amount at first by csa after several years of nothing and him laughing not to spend it all at once). I didn't go into that just said I don't want to discuss money with her. Him.
Anyway, she has then texted me her opinion that I need to grow up, I should make it direct with him and there would be no issue, I'm wasting public resource etc.
I texted her that it was actually nothing to do with her so I didn't need her thoughts on the topic - she feels it is as it is their family money and so she can say what she wants.
She has now blocked me and my ex has sent a message basically telling me how upset she is, how all she's tried to do is help, how she and her son give up a day a month with him while he sees my son and I needed to respect that's a big ask and be grateful.
AIBU to tell her it was nothing to do with her and I didn't want her opinion on my financial arrangement after telling her many times I would use CSA rather than negotiate a direct arrangement with them.

DerekSprechenZeDick Wed 07-Sep-16 16:49:55

They give up a day a month with him for your son?! grin

She deserves a Nobel prize or soemthing for that selflessness.

Tell him to tell her to get fucked, you don't give a shit and you will sort it out how you see fit

Giratina Wed 07-Sep-16 16:52:34

my ex has sent a message basically telling me how upset she is, how all she's tried to do is help, how she and her son give up a day a month with him while he sees my son and I needed to respect that's a big ask and be grateful

Your ex is a total cunt. I'd be tempted to tell him to shove his one day a month if it's that much of a big ask. YANBU at all. Keep it all through official channels. If she didn't want her "family money" paying for her ex's child she can leave him and get a partner who doesn't have children.

0dfod Wed 07-Sep-16 16:53:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0dfod Wed 07-Sep-16 16:54:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Wed 07-Sep-16 16:55:16

How irritating. Still at the end of the day, you're out of it and they have to live with themselves.

I would retain the moral high ground and ignore any inappropriate opinions, on the basis that it's not up for discussion. Also convey a desire to move forward.

Then breathe!

R2G Wed 07-Sep-16 17:08:09

Thanks. I thought am I missing something as they always seem so adamant. She told me it was her business and to wind my neck in :-(

Thinkingblonde Wed 07-Sep-16 17:16:14

She is the one to keep her beak out. Don't engage with her, it's none of her business.Block her. Go through the CSA.

shuttermagic Wed 07-Sep-16 17:20:23

She's a bit of a cow. One day a month, stupid woman!

RB68 Wed 07-Sep-16 17:23:49

its not family money its his and he has a responsibility to his son whatever his own views and as to being inconvenienced one day a month he would be stuck if he had him full time wouldn't he - I think it shows that they think your son an inconvenience rather than a family member. You are right to stick to CSA - I would seriously just not communicate and ignore anything else thrown at you.

JudyCoolibar Wed 07-Sep-16 17:25:28

Ask him how "all she's tried to do is help" is an accurate description of demanding that you discuss finances with her and telling you to grow up when yo don't want to do so.

gttob Wed 07-Sep-16 17:28:20

I'm having the same issue. They put in writing they will continue to pay as per the current schedule, only the schedule changes under the new cms and is calculated differently meaning we should get a little more. Plus the figures come from hmrc so not avoiding the exact amount or hiding any bonuses.

I ignored their letter, they will only know when cms call them in November. Let the official people tell them.
Just ignore and Call cms soon, it's a lengthy call but worth it to have it official.

R2G Wed 07-Sep-16 17:33:10

Thanks for the advice GT. His message to me was he was astounded/flabbergasted etc that I couldn't reach a civil arrangement. The other thing is I don't want him to have my bank details directly either.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 07-Sep-16 17:39:17

You could open a new account and only use it for the maintenance.

dangermouseisace Wed 07-Sep-16 17:41:04

Gosh they are a well suited couple aren't they- both complete tossers.

You definitely aren't unreasonable at all, for any of it. I think you going through the CSA is actually a very sensible use of public resources given everything you've said.

dailyarsewipe Wed 07-Sep-16 17:46:45

I'd explain to your ex that you're happy to explain to her why you want to go through a third party but that he won't come out of it smelling like roses. So if he'd rather she didn't get to find out what a tosser he has been in the past he needs to calm her down and get her to mind her own fucking business.

But then again I've got a headache and am therefore a grumpy bitch.

R2G Wed 07-Sep-16 17:49:47

Yes goingtobe that's what I want to do open a separate account.

TendonQueen Wed 07-Sep-16 17:57:06

I'd reply saying you prefer to go through official channels and you will only discuss matters relating to your DC with their father. The suggestion of a new account is a good one but if you can avoid any details at all, even better.

R2G Wed 07-Sep-16 18:59:59

It's just they are so adamant that I am unreasonable - telling me to grow up, telling me to wind my neck in, that I have to go through her as he can't deal with me too stressful I start to think aibu but I know that she can try and claim this one as her business as its their monry but it's not. It is assessed on what he earns and belongs to DS. Not what they think they can afford

blueturtle6 Wed 07-Sep-16 19:53:20

Does your sin enjoy seeing his dad, I would be concerned that if its such an inconvienence, is it coming across to your son and damaging him?

blueturtle6 Wed 07-Sep-16 19:54:10

And no yanbu, dont contact her and go through csa as others have said

TendonQueen Wed 07-Sep-16 20:04:09

If talking to his child's mother is so stressful he has to get his wife to do it, I think he's the one who needs to grow up. I would stick to repeating what I put in my previous post. You aren't obliged to deal with her because they say so. If he can't talk to you like an adult, it can all go through official channels. Block her and don't ever communicate through her again.

TheWitTank Wed 07-Sep-16 20:10:37

"I don't wish to discuss with you any further and will go through official channels in the future" -then block and don't have any more contact with her. They are twats. Time for him to grow the fuck up and deal with you directly if he wants to discuss things or make arrangements.

CRazzyyAce Wed 07-Sep-16 20:19:33

I would tell her to Jog on and that his DS needs triumphs her and her precious DS needs. I would most certainly go through another independent body and not go directly. Let him pay the extra for the privilege, seeing his DS one day a month is appalling.

MinonsMovie Wed 07-Sep-16 20:26:52

Wow. One day a month. What a guy. hmm yanbu, yab very sensible.

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