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How can I not be unreasonable? (infertility related)

(75 Posts)
39up Wed 07-Sep-16 14:08:34

So, to keep it short.

DH and I have a long standing friendship with another couple. They have been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for some time, with much heartbreak. They're out of NHS IVF chances, and they've been told they probably won't be able to adopt due to the wife having various health issues. They have been trying to continue with IVF privately, but it's been financially very difficult for them.

For a while, the wife has been talking to me a lot, mostly because she sees us as being in the same boat - because I've got a history of MH issues I'm unlikely to be able to adopt, and conception has been slow for me, plus DH and I started trying quite late - 37 when we started trying, and I had 2 miscarriages in the first year.

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant. We've had all the scans. Everything looks fine. We probably want to announce it soon but I'm really worried she'll take it badly. How the hell do I tell her in the least unreasonable way possible?

TeenAndTween Wed 07-Sep-16 14:18:24

I would tell her by phone when no others are around (apart from her DH) so she doesn't feel obliged to be all smiley and hug you etc. Maybe prefaced with 'I'm not sure how you'll feel about this' or similar. Then try not to extend the conversation too much to give her time to process it.

That's how I would like it anyway. Others will probably disagree as I suspect it is a personal thing.

Congratulations.

39up Wed 07-Sep-16 14:20:07

Thank you. It's very exciting and rather scary. So very glad to be pregnant but don't want my happiness to make someone else sad.

Pineappletastic Wed 07-Sep-16 14:23:33

I'd sit her down 1 to 1 in private over a cuppa or a glass of wine, and say something like 'we've got some news, and we understand it might be difficult for you, so I wanted to tell you before you heard it somewhere else...' and just tell her. She might be over the moon for you, or she might never speak to you again, but at least she won't have to decide in front of an audience.

My mum suffered 16 years of infertility, and even 2 naturally conceived children later she's really damaged about it, to the point where she finds bumps offensive.

Pineappletastic Wed 07-Sep-16 14:24:41

Forgot to say - congratulations smile

OlennasWimple Wed 07-Sep-16 14:26:38

Tell her yourself rather than risk her hearing from someone else or working it out herself

Rogue1234 Wed 07-Sep-16 14:26:47

I was in a similar situation recently. Some friends of ours had fertility treatment within a few weeks of our last round. Theirs worked and ours didn't.
They sent a quick text letting us know, which I really appreciated. It gave me time to get over the sadness before seeing or speaking to them so I could show how genuinely happy for them I was when I next saw them.
You're right to be excited and your friend will hopefully understand that, and appreciate you being so considerate.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

39up Wed 07-Sep-16 14:28:15

I will admit, I'll be devastated if she does decide to cut contact with me over this. We've been really good friends over the years and done a lot for each other. But I wouldn't be entirely surprised. She's been trying desperately for years now and it just isn't any closer than it was and she's had bouts of getting very angry at people - she stopped talking entirely to one friend over a conversation about abortion because she finds the subject so upsetting and gets so cross at the thought of ending a pregnancy and so unfair that anyone could be pregnant and just throw that away.

I mean, it was a political conversation. Not a personal one. I am actually quite scared about this.

39up Wed 07-Sep-16 14:29:11

Rogue1234 - very sorry to hear that about your IVF.

PortiaFinis Wed 07-Sep-16 14:29:25

I think you should do it by a phone call or even text.

I don't think you should do it face to face. She might then have to put on a brave face and be demonstratively thrilled for you for longer than necessary.

MoMandaS Wed 07-Sep-16 14:30:23

Congratulations! Please don't tell her face to face. Send a text and do it soon so she doesn't feel foolish about commiserating with you. Give her the dignity of reacting in private first.

WhooooAmI24601 Wed 07-Sep-16 14:30:25

I would tell her face to face, and as gently as you can.

However, don't let this dampen what should be an amazing time for you. You deserve to feel good about this baby, you have every right to be excited and happy. Not goady, not insensitive, not U, just happy.

PortiaFinis Wed 07-Sep-16 14:30:29

I'm sure she will be happy for you but it gives her time to get used to it and over the sadness before she sees you face to face.

Oysterbabe Wed 07-Sep-16 14:30:34

I would agree that phone or email is good so that she has time to deal with it before you see her. In her shoes I would feel so much pressure to be fake happy for you face to face.

EmeraldIsle100 Wed 07-Sep-16 14:32:51

Congratulations, that is great news!

I would text her so that she can assimilate the news on her own. This news could hit her like a ton of bricks. Maybe say in the text that you would love to meet up whenever she is free. That will give her time to get over the shock.

39up Wed 07-Sep-16 14:34:20

Yes, I do know I have to do it soon. We probably should have done it sooner, but were really nervous about telling anyone until we'd had the scans, because of previous miscarriages. I couldn't bear to tell everyone, and have them be happy, and to then have to say "no - not going to happen".

Not face to face seems to be the general consensus. Text? Or messenger? Or phone? I guess those are my options.

Pineappletastic Wed 07-Sep-16 14:41:54

Infertility is a terrible thing. I hope you don't lose her over this.

SIL started trying just before us and is having no luck, I think they're off to the doctors now, she's 35 with possible PCOS. I always thought I might struggle, and had warned DH in advance (because of my mum) and told him I wasn't up for IVF, but we conceived in under a year.

I'm now 38+3 with MILs first grandchild, and GMILs first great grandchild, and I feel like a complete cunt for stealing SILs thunder. I really hope this doesn't become something that affects the rest of our lives.

I'm also going to the funeral of my friends little boy (born at 28 weeks, just too soon) on Friday, with my massive bump (and I won't be the only one), I admit I checked she wanted me there, I'm not sure I would if roles were reversed.

Pinkheart5915 Wed 07-Sep-16 14:43:31

I have a friend that has had many rounds of IVF and no success, I told her by text. It didn't effect our friendship she was a good to support to me and dh when our first was stillborn and she is now god mother to both of my DC.
So I would tell you friend either by phone call or text.

This is your pregnancy and you don't have to tell anybody until you are ready.
If she's a good friend she wil hopefully understand that despite her troubles to have children, you are allowed to be happy and excited. You have every right to be happy and excited don't let anything take that away from you

Congratulations!

DixieWishbone Wed 07-Sep-16 14:44:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eatthecake Wed 07-Sep-16 14:46:48

My sister can never have children. I have 4 and each time I fell pregnant I told her by text as this gave her time to feel sad before we spoke. My DC adore there aunt and she has a close bond with my children.

Tell her by text or phone call

Although your friend may be upset don't let that take away from you what a happy time it is.
Don't feel you have to tell her or anybody else until you are ready, it's your pregnancy

Congratulations 💐

Benedikte2 Wed 07-Sep-16 14:50:01

OP mention why you've not told her before -- you were afraid you might miscarry etc. I had a number of miscarriages and railed against the unfairness of life, felt resentful that many mothers seemed to have babies effortlessly and not to appreciate them etc and it was hard when a friend became pregnant with twins but I knew she was desperate to be a mother too and couldn't hold it against her. I do hope your friend feels the same way. She may want to keep her distance for a while or possibly until after your baby is born but keep up the contact with texts . She may feel that now you are pregnant you'll no longer have the time for her.
Good luck

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 07-Sep-16 14:51:09

Firstly congratulations OP flowers

With my friend that was having trouble falling pregnant, I also told her by text and she has since told me she is grateful I done it by text as she wouldn't of coped with a phone call.
So I would go for a text or a phone call to tell her of you wish

I didn't lose my friend over it as she was a good friend and understood I could be happy and excited. My friend is now a good 'auntie' to my few week old DD

Remember you are allowed to be happy and excited and enjoy your pregnancy
Also don't feel you have yo tell your friend or anyone else until you are ready

gabsdot Wed 07-Sep-16 14:53:34

I'd send her a text or email, that way she doesn't have to offer any congratulations immediately and can wait until she's ready.
I'd write something like
I'm telling you this news by email because it may be hard for you to hear, I'm pregnant.
19 weeks, due date etc.
I hope this doesn't affect our friendship but I'll understand if you find it hard to be around me.
Love you etc

April241 Wed 07-Sep-16 14:54:48

Congratulations smile.

Only you know your friend and how best she'd take it but I had a similar situation. My friend has been trying for 5 years and has had lots of investigations, tests, IUI, appointments etc and hadnt been successful so gave up for a while to concentrate on planning her wedding. I fell pregnant in Feb and worried most about telling her however I knew she wouldn't appreciate a face to face or phone call. I sent her a text as I knew she'd be able to read it and reply or ignore if she chose to and I know that's how she tends to deal with any conflict etc so that was the best option for us.

Tell her when you're ready and however you feel she'll best take it smile

Closetlibrarian Wed 07-Sep-16 14:57:22

If I were in her shoes I'd much rather hear first via email or text, rather than in person - no need to fake being happy for you, etc.

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