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AIBU?

To send them back to bed?

19 replies

throwsandshows · 07/09/2016 10:21

I have 3 dd's. 3,7 and 9. The 3 year old has her own room and sleeps like a dream .

I am a nurse and work shifts, on a late shift I'm not home until after 11 pm and dh is in charge of bedtime. He reports he has no problems and they do exactly as they are told.

When I'm not working, the two older girls are pains in the arse at bed time. They'll go up no problem and settle but after about 20 minutes the up and down shit starts.....wanting a drink, wanting the toilet, wanting light on, wanting light off........

Monday night the 9 year old was at it until after 11. To the point where I had enough and had to ban her from leaving her room, even though she was quite upset.

Dh has told me he think I handled it wrong. That she was nervous of school and misses me so much when I work that she is just looking to be with me, that I should of sat in the room with her! But I strongly think that bedtimes routine need to be structured, and sitting in the room until the fall asleep just send Wright at this age. Am i doing it all wrong!

OP posts:

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Itrytoohard · 07/09/2016 10:23

So your DH said you should sit with your upset DD as a one off and you said she's too old for that?

Willywolly · 07/09/2016 10:24

You're never too old to comfort your children and make sure they're okay.

ayeokthen · 07/09/2016 10:25

I think you're right, as long as she gets plenty time with you when you're not working during the day/evening.

throwsandshows · 07/09/2016 10:27

This isn't a one off though, it every night I'm home. It's exhausting. I'd been in and out of the room for most of evening, cuddled, read stories, left a dream story under her pillow (our thing) and even massaged her. By 11 I just felt it needed to stop!

OP posts:

1LittleOne1 · 07/09/2016 10:28

He's probably right about them missing you, and if bedtime with you is a novelty for them they are likely to try for more attention than they do with your DH's routine.

There wouldn't have been any harm in comforting her, you are never to old to need a bit of support.

fieldfare · 07/09/2016 10:34

Could you stagger them going up?
3 yr old first, easy enough.
7 yr old next, story, cuddle and a little chat and then lights out and to sleep (9 yr old has extra 20 mins dstairs).
Then time with the 9 yr old, half an hour just to herself to read, chat, play a board game with you etc. Then straight to bed, no faffing.

Yanbu, bedtime needs structure and it is annoying to be getting up and down to sort them out. I'd have lost my patience by 11pm too and would have become shoutymummy.

NotBadConsidering · 07/09/2016 10:35

You were unreasonable to leave it till 11pm! I'd have been down on that shit long before then, I go to bed at 9.30 myself. No matter how bad a day similar aged DDs have had, whether I've been working etc etc 9pm is the absolute limit for niceties. After that it's time to toughen up. Whether she's missing you or not, if you'd given her plenty of attention earlier then the most caring thing you can do is keep a good routine and make sure she gets a good night's sleep. Like pp have said, you just need to make up quality time at other times, but 9-11 on a school night isn't the time to do it.

Dragongirl10 · 07/09/2016 11:00

I don't think you were unreasonable at all, l would say as long as each child has some one on one time with you before bed (mine get at least 15mins)
bedtimes are non negotiable,

set each child an age appropriate time, make a big chart in the kitchen, so they absolutely know what is expected,

Send them up 30 mins before to brush teeth was etc, have glasses of water beside beds, agree on light situation ONCE, remind them to go to the toilet.
First time remind them this is i,t bedtime, and what punishment they will have for getting up or coming down, (be prepared to take away something they like.)

Go up and spend one on one time then goodnight.

Be totally uncompromising if they break the rules, within a couple of night they will sleep straight away.

Exceptions are properly ill, nothing else.

Kids that age need 10 hours sleep to function well at school so you are being a good parent for stopping this timewasting behavior, also you deserve a peaceful evening too!

1LittleOne1 · 07/09/2016 11:02

Ah right you didn't say it's every time at the beginning, well you've gotta do what you need to do to stay sane :)

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 07/09/2016 11:09

I would happily go in there and cuddle her to sleep with the rule that eyes will be closed and no talking (after a story or whatever). She wants her mum. Nothing wrong with that and you will miss it desperately one day.

There's also the fact that she probably would have gone straight to sleep leaving you to enjoy your night.

I think you've been unreasonable to make everyone unhappy when you could have just had a cuddle instead.

Hockeydude · 07/09/2016 11:12

When I put mine to bed, I make sure they go to the toilet when they clean their teeth so that cannot be used as an excuse to get up. I also give them a bottle of water to keep by the bed so that cannot be used as an excuse to get up. I ask them to sit in bed, read book (light on obv!) and then I go downstairs. 30-45 mins later, I go up and tell them time to sleep and turn light off (but leave door open so not completely dark). If they are upset and need something then that's fine, I will sort it out but if they are just messing, they lose the rest of their reading time and it's bed time. I think you just need to distinguish between messing around/using excuses like drink/toilet and actually needing something/being upset.

maninawomansworld01 · 07/09/2016 23:10

I let the first couple of times go, after that (once I've ascertained that there isn't anything really wrong and they're just pissing about) , every incursion out of bed equals 10 minutes earlier to bed the next night.

Soon stops after a couple of 5pm bedtimes!

TheGruffaloMother · 07/09/2016 23:25

YANBU. If the up and down malarkey happens every time you do bedtime, all the more reason to make sure bedtime is structured. I'd agree with your DH if it was a one off, but it isn't. I'm big on affection and cuddling and kisses and chatting. But my sanity needs a bit of wind down time in the evenings where nothing is making demands on my time.

RubbleBubble00 · 08/09/2016 00:21

God no. Mine get a solid 30mins of me each at bed time. So stories, cuddles ect. Then it's light out. Naturally they can go to the bathroom (where there is a cup for water too). They are not allowed back down unless they are ill, somethings wrong. If they do its a stern voice and taken back to bed. I can't be running up and down the stairs all night, I'd lose the plot

RubbleBubble00 · 08/09/2016 00:26

mine are 3, 5, 7. They try to pull the wool when dh is home as he works away but we stick to same routine. 3yr old 7.30pm (still naps), 5 yr old 8pm and 7 yr old 8.30.

bumsexatthebingo · 08/09/2016 00:32

I make sure mine have a drink and they can do their own lights etc so the only time they can come down is if they are ill or need a hug. I couldn't leave my kids if they were upset and needed a hug and at least I know that is the reason rather than them being up and down the stairs for all kinds when really they just want to see me. They never come down more than once.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/09/2016 00:36

iwas have you read the whole thread? OP did give cuddles and lots of other support..

NapQueen · 08/09/2016 00:38

Are you sure he doesn't sit with them on his nights?

MargotLovedTom · 08/09/2016 00:39

YANBU at all. 11pm is way long enough and you'd been hands on.

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