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To want a fifth child at nearly 40?

(35 Posts)
Conniedescending Wed 07-Sep-16 08:11:28

I turn 40 next year, DH is five years older. We have 4 between the ages of 14 and 9. We mused about a fifth for 2-3 years after our youngest but I went back to work full time and built up my career, we focused on moving to a larger home etc.

Last year I had an unexpected pg which ended in mc at 9 weeks. Was gutted and considered a termination but ultimately we had decided to go ahead when I had the miscarriage. We talked a couple of months later but DH was very firm he didnt want another child. His age, the ages of our children, next stage of life etc. I agreed at the time although if he'd have said he wanted to I would have gone with it. I've tried to move on in my head and get back to feeling baby days are over but I can't. I'm 40 next year and thinking I have limited time. Not sure whether to bring up the discussion again but need to be clear in my own thoughts before I even suggest it to DH. All a bit muddled but any thoughts?

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 07-Sep-16 08:15:00

You're not U but I would talk to DH first not last. If he doesn't want another then it isn't even an option so that will really inform you getting your head straight on your feelings.

NicknameUsed Wed 07-Sep-16 08:17:17

YABU. Sorry, I'm with your husband on this. In what positive way is another child going to impact on the lifestyle you currently have?

What about the children you already have? Would they want another sibling?
Why isn't 4 enough?

123MothergotafleA Wed 07-Sep-16 08:19:23

You must be a millionaire, right? To have four healthy children already is quite an achievement.
Presumably you will want them educated to degree level, just think what the fees will cost for five children!
That's a "no" from me.

YelloDraw Wed 07-Sep-16 08:23:21

That's a no from me too. Your children are getting to the stage where they are going to need quite a bit of support from you through exams etc at secondary school and you've got uni etc to pay for. How is having a baby going to have a positive impact on your 4 existing children?

Amelie10 Wed 07-Sep-16 08:30:38

I think Yabu too and agree with your DH. Your kids are at the age where they are independent and why would you want to go back to starting over again. I can absolutely see your DH point. Besides you have 4 healthy kids already, that's enough to be grateful for.

Mittensonastring Wed 07-Sep-16 08:41:37

I'm one of six and all of us to a person are anti large families. Our childhood was bizarre for non standard reasons, Mother was on the stage and a professional model but even if you are the loveliest Mother on earth you cannot ever give each child the individual attention they deserve.

pinkdelight Wed 07-Sep-16 08:45:51

Reading between the lines, it seems like it might be more of an unresolved response to the miscarriage than something as huge and life-altering as having another DC at this stage. It sounds like until that happened you had none of these feelings and a happy equilibrium. It's understandable, but better to work on resolving those feelings (through reading, counselling, whatever works for you) rather than focusing on a baby as the solution.

Vlier Wed 07-Sep-16 08:56:18

I don't think you are too old or that five is too many (if you can handle it) but your husband really has to agree. Talk to him but if he doesn't want any more then you have to forget about it. It would be U to fight about it when you have a nice family with four kids. Everybody has to get the babystage behind them at some point.

RhiWrites Wed 07-Sep-16 08:59:53

Have you considered grief counselling? It sounds as though you're mourning the baby you lost.

Jackie0 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:12:14

This is about the miscarriage OP.
I'm so sorry you experienced that.
Another baby isn't the solution

Hockeydude Wed 07-Sep-16 15:26:39

I agree you are understandably grieving still. This is to be expected but I don't think having another baby would be the solution. I would focus on the four you have already to be honest.

MakeItStopNeville Wed 07-Sep-16 15:37:52

I was desperate for a 5th baby as I approached the big 4-0. DH flatly refused as a) 4 are expensive enough and b) having had ours relatively young, he was looking forward to being relatively young when they had all left home. In our case, he was right and I'm relieved now.

Interestingly, DC2 is 15 and has a close friend whose mum has just had a baby. DC's friend has really struggled with it. The baby has several health issues so she doesn't want to burden her mum with any of her own worries. Poor kid is really quite lost right now. But that's just one example.

missbishi Wed 07-Sep-16 15:40:56

Rather unfair to the other DC. Crying babies in the early hours and demanding, noisy toddlers won't help their studies.

HuskyLover1 Wed 07-Sep-16 15:43:19

Oh gosh, I really wouldn't. I think the mc is what's making you feel this way. By the time you are 45, it would just be starting Primary school. Do you want to be parenting school aged children until you are 58?

I am 46 and DH is 43, and ours are now both at Uni. Funnily enough, someone today asked my DH if we would have more children! No chance! Looking forward to exotic holidays and less responsibility, tbh.

Another worry I'd have for you, is that you have 4 healthy children. Imagine if the 5th one wasn't healthy (statistically more likely the older you get). Your whole life will be disrupted.

ElspethFlashman Wed 07-Sep-16 15:46:35

Well I don't think you're too old (I'm going to be parenting school age kids till 58 and I give no fucks) but if your DH isn't down with it then that's that.

And he has good reason - 4 is a lot to handle and 10 years of a gap would be a shock to the system.

RunningLulu Wed 07-Sep-16 15:54:29

My mum was your age when she had her 4th, and I was 14. She was so bloody knackered all the time that it was me who ended up caring for the other kids (dinners, washing, cleaning, bathing - I even went to parents evenings). I was also studying for my GCSEs at the same time. It was all so stressful I went through a breakdown at 18.

I love my youngest brother but do wish my mum had stopped to think of us before she had him. Maybe our relationship would have been better.

wineandsunshine Wed 07-Sep-16 15:56:43

I would say your definitely not too old! Four are hard work, cost money etc but if you are sure you do then sit down with DH and have a proper chat about it. Life is too short to keep worrying.

NicknameUsed Wed 07-Sep-16 22:23:12

"Do you want to be parenting school aged children until you are 58? "

grin I'm 58 this year, and DD is 16.

I'm inclined to agree that unresolved issues from the miscarriage are what has triggered this desire for another child. I don't think sitting down with the husband is going to persuade him to have another child.

WhatsMyNameNow Wed 07-Sep-16 23:03:53

I'd say no too. Your DH would be in his late sixties before the youngest leaves home and possibly older.

teatowel Wed 07-Sep-16 23:23:16

I would think it would be hard on the four children you already have and quite tough to be the little one. All the lovely things you have done /will do as a family will never be quite the same for the youngest one. The family Christmas's and holidays will be almost over by the time he /she is7 . You will have an only child for many years. You need to be sure that is what you really want.

SandyY2K Wed 07-Sep-16 23:39:19

You'll find you loose a lot of freedom with a baby. I know there are some older mums, but you already have 4 DC.

I've got friends whose mums had a child later and it impacts on them. They end up babysitting reluctantly so much and have nothing in common with their younger sibling. They complained that it seemed to make the family regress.

I'm with your DH. Kids are expensive.

Yorkieheaven Wed 07-Sep-16 23:53:54

We have 4 and had last 2 when older ones were 9/10. It was tough and I was 36 so younger than you.

It's tough physically on your body and juggling teens and toddlers is tricky. Doable but tricky.

Think long and hard op. 4 healthy kids are a gift. You may not be so lucky next time.

Anna2000 Thu 08-Sep-16 00:12:41

We've got five and life is great. How odd to suggest that the older kids would suffer if a sibling came along or that somehow life would be less enjoyable for the youngest.

Connie, like the first poster suggested, you will have to talk to your husband, otherwise you will always think about what might have been. And I agree that you should not wait until you have made up your mind - you should discuss and come to a decision together.

NicknameUsed Thu 08-Sep-16 06:43:35

Not odd at all. I expect most 14 year olds would resent the assumption that they will be available to babysit for free whenever mum wanted her to.

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