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43 and in wrong relationship but want baby

(132 Posts)
streetlamp Wed 07-Sep-16 05:40:19

That's it really. If I leave the dream is over, if I stay will I be happy?

Tobebythesea Wed 07-Sep-16 05:44:35

Does your partner want a baby?

lilacclery Wed 07-Sep-16 05:47:22

Baby won't fix wrong relationship

HulkSpiderParent Wed 07-Sep-16 05:47:48

Without details I can only assess on this very brief op.
Yes I think you are unreasonable. You know you're in a wrong relationship but want a baby with someone who I presume doesn't realise the way you feel? That's unfair to them and the baby. If you said to them you are in the wrong relationship but want a baby and they agreed then it'd be less unreasonable.

Could you elaborate on why it's the wrong relationship? I'd hate to find out my DH felt this way and would expect to let me go be happy with someone who loves me not keep me around for their own potential gain.

Saying that I have empathy that you want a baby. I don't think being dishonest is the right approach.

AnnaMarlowe Wed 07-Sep-16 05:48:37

From observation the stress of having a child makes the cracks in a bad relationship only deeper.

WannaBe Wed 07-Sep-16 05:49:57

The reality is that at 43 you are unlikely to have a baby. Added to that, it's not just a baby is it? This is the rest of your life. And once there is a child in the mix this becomes about a lot more than just you leaving an unhappy relationship. It becomes about sharing residency of a child, having to hand them over to an ex, possibly step parent in the future and half/step siblings in the equation.

We have babies for selfish reasons but once they arrive we have to learn to be selfless.

The worst thing you can do is have a baby in a bad relationship.

MidniteScribbler Wed 07-Sep-16 05:56:53

Forget the baby for the moment and sort out the relationship. A baby isn't going to suddenly make a bad relationship a good one.

Then once you've sorted out the relationship, considering going it alone for the baby.

totalrecall1 Wed 07-Sep-16 06:38:13

If you really want a child I would get out of the relationship and get a sperm donor.

OTheHugeManatee Wed 07-Sep-16 06:39:32

If you really want a child I would get out of the relationship and get a sperm donor.


CapricornCalling Wed 07-Sep-16 06:44:16

I know several people who've had babies after the age of 43 - it's still possible, OP. As other PP have suggested, there are options.

IllMetByMoonlight Wed 07-Sep-16 06:50:41

Really, really don't have a baby in a relationship that isn't working. If you are serious about trying for a baby, walk away and use donor sperm. My friend did this.

MuseumOfCurry Wed 07-Sep-16 06:55:59

Please consider going at it alone. This way you can approach a new relationship unencumbered by this guy.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Wed 07-Sep-16 06:58:58

At 43 it's unlikely to happen quickly so how will you keep trying month after month to get pregnant? Will you tell him you are on the pill? Whatever you do if you do actually get pregnant when he thinks you are on contraception it is a bloody disgrace. Leave him and get a sperm donor.

You need to also consider the risks of a pregnancy at your age. How will you cope with a miscarriage alone? What if the child has a disability? These are very much 'what ifs' but at your age the risks are very high.

fastdaytears Wed 07-Sep-16 07:02:25

Get out now and do it on your own.

DinosaursRoar Wed 07-Sep-16 07:06:27

Are you already trying for a baby? Can you afford to be a single parent ? Realistically, how long do you expect to stick it out with this man? Go once you've got a BFP? Get through your mat leave then leave? Stick it out for 18 years?

dailyarsewipe Wed 07-Sep-16 07:07:30

Have I missed a page? The OP doesn't say she's trying for a baby, but that she wants one and realises she's in the wrong relationship.

I read the OP as meaning that she is clinging to the hope that it might happen, if the relationship ends, that she's worried that she won't be able to have the kids she really wants. If that's the case, go it alone.

MrsJoeyMaynard Wed 07-Sep-16 07:10:11

If you really want a child I would get out of the relationship and get a sperm donor.

Agree. Also agree that a baby won't fix a bad relationship. If anything, chances are that the stresses of having a baby will only deepen any cracks in the relationship.

BipBippadotta Wed 07-Sep-16 07:12:36

My fertility consultant recently told me that by my age (39) on average about 90% of a woman's eggs are genetically abnormal and unable to produce a viable embryo. Not a nice thing to hear, but I wish someone had been so blunt with me before I wasted the latter half of my 30s trying in vain to have a baby when my eggs were already too old.

That's by way of saying that unfortunately you could spend from now until menopause with his person and still not end up with a baby. These are precious years - do you want to spend them joylessly shagging someone who's wrong for you every other day, to maximise chances of conception? Is his person someone who would be supportive of you trough the pain of miscarriages or infertility?

If you had a baby, what sort of father would this person be? If you had a disabled child - quite a bit more likely as we age - could you count on this person to be the co-parent you'd need to give your child the support he or she would need? Is he reliable? Is he kind? Is he patient?

I suppose it's down to why he's wrong for you. If he's kind and reliable and wants a family, but he's dull and you don't fancy him, that's one thing. If he's abusive / married to someone else / doesn't want children, then you really mustn't put yourself (plus potential child) in this situation.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 07-Sep-16 07:12:43

I think it's quite late to be thinking of a baby.

Sorry, but I do.

Could you foster?

Either way, a baby isn't a band aid. It won't improve your relationship.

ConvincingLiar Wed 07-Sep-16 07:13:33

Fix/end your relationship. Pursue having a child independently. Does this man want children? Do you think he would be a good father? Can you co-parent together?

SaucyJack Wed 07-Sep-16 07:22:03

Does your current partner want a baby? Do you think you could co-parent well together after you break-up? Would he leave you in peace to get on with it?

There are actually many, many, many worse things you can do than become pregnant by someone you know you won't stick the distance with romantically, if you're still capable of giving a child a secure and loving upbringing. Assuming he knows you're not using contraception obv.

Oblomov16 Wed 07-Sep-16 07:25:51

I thought it took ages to either get in the foster role or to get a sperm donor.
My friend tried both and it took over 2 years.

londonrach Wed 07-Sep-16 07:28:07

You not too old at 43 but you dont have time to play around with and it could take longer or could happen the first time. op no do not have a child with him. If its a wrong relationship dont bring a child into the world with him. Does he want a baby. My friend did donar in her 40s, worked amazingly well first time. You need to consider what you want in your life. A baby isnt a certainly but if you in the wrong relationship why are you eith him end of story!!!

FayKorgasm Wed 07-Sep-16 07:31:12

I think the OP means hanging on to the relationship until she has a baby.

Go and use a sperm donor.

PotteringAlong Wed 07-Sep-16 07:31:13

No, you will not be happy. A baby never ever makes the wrong relationship better; it will just make it harder.

Leave and have a baby if you want to, but be realistic. You will be at least 44 when they're born. That means they won't leave school until you're 62. University (possibly) when you're 65.

Can you afford it? Can you cope with it?

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