to get wound up by new mum...(99 Posts)
I am pregnant with my 1st child (due Jan 2017) - a friend has recently had a baby (3 and a bit months ago) - every time I see them I seem to get bombarded with unwanted "advice" including (but not limited to):
"Oooh get your sleep in now, you wont sleep when they get here"
"You really need to be saving your money now"
"You need to tell work that your expecting" (Duhhhh - they already know)
Maybe IABU, pregnancy has made me less tolerant of people in general (!!), but I just find it rude and insulting. Believe it or not, Im a fully functioning adult and I am not stupid. I have several nieces and nephews and god children - I KNOW what to expect, I havent got my head in the clouds....
welcome to a lifetime of it.
I suggest you perfect your Fuck Off stare.
Welcome to parenthood. Where everyone else knows better
Oh it won't stop there. Wait till baby arrives 😄 having kids seems to open you up to advice from any tom dick and harry.
Two ways of dealing with it:
1) smile, nod and ignore.
2) look them dead in the eyes and say quietly "fuck off."
She sounds like a "know all" tit. The Fuck off stare sounds like the ideal tonic or just disagree with every single thing she says.
Oh my gosh, thanks folks, you've made me feel so much better! I just thought I was being a cowbag. Its just so irritating!
I'll start practising my stare ;)
YANBU this used to wind me up so much! Especially the sleep thing - "sleep lots now because you won't be able to when the baby is here!". Well, first of all I think people forget how difficult it is to sleep in the 3rd trimester anyway, and you can't really "store up" sleep, it doesn't work like that
I was talking to a colleague about it when pg with DC1 and said I would sleep when the baby sleeps. She laughed and said "if you're lucky enough to get one that sleeps!". Sure, because some babies NEVER sleep
A lot of this is people trying to make conversation with you. Don't take it too seriously. Smile and nod. If you do a 'fuck off' stare to everyone who gives you advice/talks about your pg/baby, you will have no one to talk to!
I must admit I was like that when I had my first child. Looking back I felt very vulnerable and unsure of myself. Spouting out advice to every Tom, Dick and Harry made me feel like I knew what I was doing. Just wanted to add a different perspective.
But yeah, I second the advice of perfecting your fuck off stare. We all parent differently and that's ok
I KNOW what to expect
Seriously come back in 4 months and reply to my laughing at this comment.
The rest I fully agree with what a pita.
Oh, and another one that really pissed me off - when mentioning I'd packed shampoo and conditioner in my hospital bag, being told I won't have time to wash my hair once the baby is here (MIL ). Actually I washed it the day after he was born and have done every few days since, as normal!
Mischgoss point number two really made me chuckle.
Agree with the above. Everyone and his wife and dog and brothers' aunts' second cousins' best friends neighbour will tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. No one will ever tell you what you're doing right.
No one actually knows what's best. We all muddle through at times and figure out what works for us and baby along the way.
Oh it's so irritating isn't it. Have you had people taking great delight in giving unasked for blow blow accounts of their horror birth stories yet? Used to feel like screaming at them - I'm not thick! I know it's got to come out! Smile and nod. It never stops. Sleeping, feeding, weaning, childcare, your return to work, toilet training. . . Everyone has an opinion and no one thinks twice about telling you what it is.
I'm due DC 2 any day now. My husband was in a meeting at work yesterday and he mentioned that at some point in the near future he'd be off on paternity leave for 2 weeks. A colleague then stared a 5 minute spiel about how DHs life was going to change. No more Fridays in the pub for the pair of us or lazy weekend lie ins etc. About how expensive nursery is. All the clichés. DH let the guy get it all off his chest and then said 'er it's not my first child'. Heehee.
Is it possible that she is genuinely feeling caring towards you and having recently been through it all herself she is just trying to warn you if the realities, although it's coming across as "know it all"?
I have several nieces & nephews and thought I knew what to expect. No amount of looking after someone else's child can prepare you for the 24/7 relentlessness of caring for a newborn! I love my daughter more than life itself but felt slightly crazy for the first 3 months.
No one is ever honest about how tough it is because that is considered cruel, perhaps she's actually trying to be a good friend to you by gently letting you know.
Though my daughter is nearly 3 so it's easy for me to say this now - while I was pregnant I was just as irritated by the same advice!
Congratulations by the way
It was incredible as a first time parent how many people gave completely unwarranted advice to me and needless suggestions. Somehow all of a sudden we are in the spotlight once we are mothers and are there to receive endless feedback and comments. Especially the first year or so.
A lot of the time people talk from their own unresolved issues mind. Try to suck it up and get used to it is all I can suggest!
Some advice is good though. But it seems a lot of new mums are in the 'I'm the first mum in the universe' and don't want to take even good advice.
I felt K had to get involved recently when sil decided to wean her 4 month old (with severe allergies) on weetabix and cows milk. I warned her. Provided the data to back it up. She pretended to listen then told mil later that she didn't want me to get involved in the future as I don't have 'real' kids and she only wants advice from 'real' mothers. Mil called me with the intention of having a go but dh supported me & diffused the situation. Fast forward a week- Baby is in ICU as we speak and might need parts of bowel removed as he has a severe wheat allergy and a severe milk allergy. I'm not the type to say 'I told you so', and am fully supporting her but I'm gutted that she didn't listen to me (or used my advice for her own research) because she might have ruined my nephew's life.
minilop my DD never napped more than 30 minutes at a time and only on my lap so there are babies that never sleep in a manner that lets you get any daytime rest. Alas.
Anyway yes the advice never ends. My DM is currently on one at me putting DD in leggings not shorts over the summer, even though I've explained til I'm blue in the face that she is a daredevil who climbs and runs and then falls over all the time, and on the few very hot days when I put shorts on her knees were absolutely shredded.
I have never found we sleep when the babies sleep there is always something to get done and it is only people who quite happily live in tips can do that! Which I know I just couldn't when ds was a baby. At least that is what I found.
You can't win. I've just done smile and nod. I'm 28+6 with dc1. My mantra's so far have been "Well, there's a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture" accompanied with a tinkly laugh. And "you get what you get and you don't get upset!" I don't know what this baby's going to be like so the lady in Mothercare who met me 4 minutes ago certainly doesn't.
I think most people just use it as a way of making polite conversation. Your friend sounds like she wants to be a bit of a know-it-all, equally she could just be trying to prepare you for the upcoming rollercoaster of hell.
If it makes you feel any better I adore my Dh, he is a wonderful, kind, caring, generous soul. Last night I argued at (not with) him for 40 minutes because he farted. It didn't even smell, I was just hot and uncomfortable.
It would be great if it was like, useful advice that you might not figure out on your own, like how to stack the bottles in the steriliser or that car seats usually have washable covers or that the best way to get the lid off a Tommee Tippee drinking cup is to
use a blowtorch to push it against the rim of the sink/kitchen worktop as if you were cracking open a beer. But everyone just tells you it'll be really tiring, which is hardly going to be a massive surprise.
I agree it can be really annoying, I have a friend who does this to me (my DS is 9 months her DS is 4years). However, I also agree with OwlinaTree that it's just people making conversation and the vast majority of the time they don't mean to offend you and would be mortified if they knew they had. I remind myself that it's just my friend's way of taking an interest and it shows she cares. Perhaps she doesn't phrase things in the best way so it can seem patronising but I'm not perfect and I'm sure that there are plenty of things I don't phase properly that annoy people too. Although my friend can patronise me (I don't think deliberately) she's also been a huge support for me through difficult times and there have been some great tips in amongst her advice. I'm sure if I gave her the fuck off stare every time she got over enthusiastic with her advice I'd have lost out on a great friendship.
But isn't this just human nature? Partly a desire to be helpful and to display superior knowledge. I've had this sort of advice given to me at every new stage in life from starting secondary school onwards (starting university, first job, getting married, having baby ad nauseam)
Really useful stuff comes from from mothers who are experiencing the same stages as you are. That annoying friend with her advice about sleep probably wishes she could have slept when she could. A few months down the line when the difference in ages between your DC is minimised she may have really useful tips of what or what not to try. Also great to have others to share your frustrations with.
So grit your teeth and bear it, you aren't the first and urnbu
Good luck with the birth -- hope it's short and sweet
Oh, bless her. She's got a three month old and she knows it all?
I think I'd be inclined to tease her gently whenever she says it - something along the lines of 'get you! And just think, next month will be making you an expert in something else again!' Or if you don't have that kind of relationship, just say bluntly 'sorry, I know you mean to be helpful, but remember how you felt during pregnancy - I'm feeling like that now, and the advice is just making me feel patronised!'
* NB: have no children. Therefore, I know less than nothing, so you can take this with a giant pinch of salt, too.
One of my friends gave birth 5 months before me. Her favourite phrase is 'oh you think X is hard, wait til Y'...just f**k off!!! I smile and nod now. She may have started to get the message now as the 'tips' have slowed down .
Good luck OP!
it's just people making conversation and the vast majority of the time they don't mean to offend you and would be mortified if they knew they had. I remind myself that it's just my friend's way of taking an interest and it shows she cares
This! Just relax, smile and nod. People aren't setting out to offend you, patronise you, or wind you up.
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