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To be so upset that my ex doesn't want to be friends

(94 Posts)
Quiltedrainbowsandlemons Mon 05-Sep-16 22:01:10

Just that really.

I broke up with my exDP about 9 months ago (we were together 1.5 years) as we were long distance and neither could relocate.

I can honestly say he was and I'm scared will always be the love of my life. I really miss him being in my life but he just won't speak to me.

The last time we spoke on the phone about 6 months ago he said he wanted to remain friends and that he would call me but he never did. He also told me he's with someone else so I get that he might want to distance himself from me for a while but why cut me off completely?

I recently sent an email just asking how he was and saying how sad I am that he didn't want to talk anymore but he never replied.

I know it's not something you can force but I really can't understand how he can just cut me out of his life completely. We got on great when we were together and the break up wasn't on bad terms.

Is it normal to just cut someone out of your life like this? AIBU to expect a friendship with an ex?

I know there's not much I can do if he doesn't want to speak to me again but it just hurts a lot sad

DerekSprechenZeDick Mon 05-Sep-16 22:02:47

Might be easier for him to go forward instead of backwards

RubbleBubble00 Mon 05-Sep-16 22:04:01

Perhaps your love of his life and the only way he can move on is to hae no contact.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Mon 05-Sep-16 22:04:15

I broke up with my exDP about 9 months ago (we were together 1.5 years) as we were long distance and neither could relocate.

You broke up with him rather than the other way around? confused

Sounds like you're having second thoughts.

Anyway, I can quite understand why someone might not want to be friends with someone they've broken up with. After all, they didn't want to be "friends" with you in the first place. They wanted to have a relationship with you and (presumably) have sex with you.

Wellywife Mon 05-Sep-16 22:05:25

He's your ex. Someone else is his love now. You have to move on.

Mummaaaaaah Mon 05-Sep-16 22:07:02

I'm afraid that if you still feel like that about him he's doing you a favour breaking contact completely. Yes it hurts but fast removal of bandaid is best.

Quiltedrainbowsandlemons Mon 05-Sep-16 22:08:00

Very, it's not second thoughts as I never wanted to break up with him and he knew that. Circumstances meant we couldn't be together and it was more painful living like that.

I know he probably loves someone else now but to not even acknowledge an email seems abit harsh.

We loved each other once and I could never cut him off like that, even if I met someone else.

PatriciaHolm Mon 05-Sep-16 22:08:49

He's moved on. In such circumstances some people find it easier to cut ties rather than carry on a "what might have been" sort of relationship.

TBH it doesn't sound as if you have come to terms with the end of the relationship,and cutting ties might be the solution you need too.

SaucyJack Mon 05-Sep-16 22:10:02

Oh sweetheart. He's long gone, and you need to make peace with that xxx

IrenetheQuaint Mon 05-Sep-16 22:10:09

It's 100% natural that he wants to move on, especially if he has a new girlfriend. Sorry.

UnusualPolarBear Mon 05-Sep-16 22:10:27

Maybe his new girlfriend isn't happy with him staying friends with his ex?
(Before I get jumped on I know people of both genders who feel that way).
Maybe it's too painful for him to just be friends.
There could be many reasons, but as pp have said, as much as it hurts, if you're still in love with him it's better for you to have no contact while you try and move on xx

UnusualPolarBear Mon 05-Sep-16 22:11:04

Apologies for the very un mumsnetty kisses there, I don't know what came over me!!

quicklydecides Mon 05-Sep-16 22:11:13

I think it's healthy to move on, and moving on means no contact.

Oysterbabe Mon 05-Sep-16 22:11:40

Cutting off contact is absolutely for the best.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 05-Sep-16 22:12:26

Yes, YABU to expect friendship with an ex. It happens sometimes, but not often.

You probably hurt him, initially, and for his own good he couldn't be friends - he'd be looking into your motives too much, reading into things meant innocently. Now he's moved on with someone else, he probably just doesn't want you as a friend. That sounds harsh, but it's true - he loved you as a partner, not a friend, and now he has a new partner. Most new partners wouldn't be thrilled about close friendships with exes, either, and your email probably reinforced her belief that you have unresolved feelings for him.

In most cases, break ups end everything. You cant have the soft middle ground of being friends; you're just together or totally apart.

Whilst you feel like he's the love of your life and you'll never move on, you'll find it very difficult to move on and forget him. He's helping with that, albeit accidentally, by refusing contact.

Block him, remove his numbers and contact details, wallow for an hour or so and then push yourself past it and make a new start.

Quiltedrainbowsandlemons Mon 05-Sep-16 22:12:53

What if I never move on though? I accept we can't be together but to never speak to him again is too much sad

redexpat Mon 05-Sep-16 22:14:00

When people say let's be friends it means one of 2 things. 1 I am trying to dump you but not look like the bad guy or 2 I actually want to have a friendly relationship with you. If you are one of those people who is honest or genuine then you assume its 2, because YOU would never say it unless you meant it. But lots of people are 1s. To you it feels like lying, to them it's code for I don't want to do this anymore.

And yes it's quite normal to cut exes out. And often easier. Non of those lingering feelings getting in the way.

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo Mon 05-Sep-16 22:14:39

You need to let him move on, as hard as it will be. There is no use pining over what has or could be. It's terrible and hard bit it needs to be done. Sorry

VeryBitchyRestingFace Mon 05-Sep-16 22:14:58

What if I never move on though? I accept we can't be together but to never speak to him again is too much sad

Presumably you've had boyfriends before? You've moved on from them, surely? smile

SaucyJack Mon 05-Sep-16 22:16:37

You will move on though. Everybody thinks they won't after a break-up, but everyone does.

This time next year you'll be with somebody else, and he'll barely even cross your mind.

PatriciaHolm Mon 05-Sep-16 22:16:46

Well, you need to pull up those big girl pants and move on regardless. You can't make him talk to you. That way stalkerdom lies.

Quiltedrainbowsandlemons Mon 05-Sep-16 22:18:24

I did wonder if that was a factor in it Unusual.
Very*, I have been married before but he was an idiot so felt great when it ended.

I know it's cheesy and abit pathetic but I thought he was my soulmate.

God, do you think he read my email and just thought how pathetic I am to still be thinking of him.

I tried to make it breezy but I guess I failed blush

kittyjewel Mon 05-Sep-16 22:23:20

I understand your hurting, I too have been hurt, as I'm sure most of us on here have. But when he said he would stay friends & keep in touch, I don't think he actually meant it. He only said it to soften the breakup a bit more as it sounds like he didn't want to hurt you. I know it seems daft, but hurting you even more would be to keep you in his life, being in touch all the time. When he knows he can't or doesn't want to be with you. He choose to let you go so you can move on, as he has done. Trust me, when you can't be with someone and you are in constant touch with them, especially with the feelings & love you have for him it is torture for you. You can't just be friends with someone you love. Because you will always want more. It's impossible. It was the best thing to not stay in touch. He did it for you. He's letting you move on with your life. It's a funny old thing love, it can be the best feeling in the world, but it can also be the worst feeling in the world.

trafalgargal Mon 05-Sep-16 22:35:46

Do you really want to be his best friend and have him discussing his sex life with you?
Do you really want to lose out on meeting the real love of your life because you are still carrying a torch for a great relationship that was either impossible or one of you didn't have the commitment to make possible?

Go cold turkey and spend the next six months making yourself happy and by the end of it you won't even think of him but you need to stop scab picking now.

HeddaGarbled Mon 05-Sep-16 22:44:03

If you were that much in love and you thought you were soul mates then there is no way you can be "just friends" any time soon. 10 years on, maybe, but you can't switch off feelings like that immediately. You would just be pretending. So he is doing the sensible thing going non-contact. You will move on if you accept this is done, over, finished. I know it's hard flowers

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