Short version: Is it reasonable, ever, for my partner (mother of our kids) to habitually say nasty things about me in arguments in front of the kids, like "you are a despicable person", "go and be miserable with someone else", and also to encourage/involve said kids in seeing me that way?
Long version:
Hello, this is my first post. I'm a father of two (daughter 5, son 2) and I was hoping to get some perspective on something that really troubles me in an otherwise good partnership. My partner is a wonderful mum, dedicated, savvy and very much admired by me for all she does for her kids and for me. We are close, but we have always had a particular kind of fight, since we met, the dynamics of which I will only touch on as far as it helps explain what REALLY troubles me.
To summarise today's example: I came home from an extremely busy day at work (walking almost 2.5 miles each way there). Tired, but otherwise perfectly happy; happy to see my kids, especially since my daughter had her first full day at school, happy to see my partner.
I am quite happy to admit that the genesis of the palpable tension that followed was with me in the concrete sense: we had agreed that I would take DS (2) out whilst she spends time with DD before her bed. No problem with that. But I could feel I was so tired that I wasn't ready to go out just that very second; I needed 15 -20 mins after chomping my dinner down.
As I could feel the tension rising from her, I tried to pre-empt by saying "I'll leave as soon as possible". Pre-empt failed, as the reply was the very thing I was trying to pre-empt, the kind of response that makes me feel harassed "but the sooner you get out the sooner we can put the film on". OK, deep breaths etc...This is where things always get hazy, and I won't try and describe exactly what happens next except to say that she turns up the get-out-of-my-way vibe whilst I move between feeling bewildered, annoyed and trying to get her to listen to what I actually meant by that tactless thing I just said...rinse and repeat a couple of times and before you know it she is saying the things above to me: "You are a despicable human being", "go an be miserable with someone else, find another partner" and saying to my daughter "ignore daddy, he's not here".
It is so so over the top, and unbelievably hurtful, and also hypocritical. Because she quite rightly says that we shouldn't argue in front of the kids, she is all about the kids, hyper-focussed on them. But when I push the wrong button (and I would never claim that I don't foolishly push certain buttons, when tired, stressed or feeling insecure) all bets are off with me, and she says horrible things like that and even gets our daughter to ally with her. That's when I snap and end up shouting about how harmful what she is doing is. But she has already put up the Kryptonite shield several minutes before, meaning I do not exist.
I know no-one can unpick the particular tangle that creates such interactions in the first place, but could I please get some perspective on my sense of this being really really out of order? I am no angel, I can be and have been a difficult person and my partner has been wonderful and helpful and forgiving in many ways. I'm sure she could tell a thing or two about my character flaws - but what infuriates me is that she never ever wants to examine the side of her that behaves as above. Help?
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AIBU?
AIBU to think my partner is being really unreasonable?
61 replies
user1473095445 · 05/09/2016 18:39
OP posts:
Arfarfanarf ·
05/09/2016 18:47
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
hesterton ·
06/09/2016 06:35
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
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