Advanced search

Is this controlling behaviour? (Am prepared to be told I've been unreasonable)

(16 Posts)
Totallyspies17 Mon 05-Sep-16 17:50:16

For dh's birthday he chose an expensive item that he'd wanted and said he wanted it and nothing else- he bought it the told me. He doesn't normally do this and I pick stuff for him or he requests smaller things. I had no issue with this birthday choice at all.
Now it's my birthday and I said I didn't want much as we have just booked an expensive holiday (which was my idea!) and suggested a couple of little things that I need as we are a bit more skint than usual at the end of the summer. I've worked out he's spent £150 on me and when I asked him I found out he's got me nothing that I've asked for (which would be things I need not things I want) He's done this a few times over the years as he wants to choose the gift himself. I know this sounds thoughtful and sweet (and he is lovely man) but in this case I feel he's been controlling, especially as I look after most financial matters and said just to get me a little token thing off my list as its a squeeze until pay day. I know it sounds trivial but it's bothered me a lot as now he's being a martyr and making out that I'm just ungrateful.


Totallyspies17 Mon 05-Sep-16 17:51:26

*then (not the)

Drowzeee Mon 05-Sep-16 17:56:27

YABU. He's been and chosen gifts for you to the value of £150, wish my DP would do that!

RichardBucket Mon 05-Sep-16 17:59:15

I understand but I do think you're being U. Obviously you know him best, but it doesn't sound controlling in a bad way... he just wants to control what gifts he buys you.

lastqueenofscotland Mon 05-Sep-16 18:01:58


PogoBob Mon 05-Sep-16 18:04:22

YANBU. Irrespective of who gets to choose your gift, you asked him not to spend too much due to the budget and he disregarded this because he wanted to spend more.

MrsHathaway Mon 05-Sep-16 18:08:11


And fuck being grateful for gifts you don't want just because they cost £150. This isn't The Price Is Right.

That said, I wouldn't call it controlling exactly, just thoughtless/selfish. Well done for correctly identifying the martyrdom.

LisaMed1 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:08:52

YANBU - It sounds like he thinks he knows better than you.

Some people have been on the end of presents bought for the benefit of the giver and not the reciever and some haven't. I suspect you'll see the split in the replies.

I've had stuff given that I have literally said, 'please don't buy me that for my [gift occasion]' It doesn't leave a rosy glow.

littlewoollypervert Mon 05-Sep-16 18:14:22

It's quite thoughtless, and if you are the one who looks after the finances, it makes work for you, so not really a nice present.

So I'd smile sweetly and say Thank You and I'd ensure that he felt the squeeze due to the overspending, not you. (or return something that you're not keen on but don't tell him, and spend the refund on something you actually want)

Totallyspies17 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:14:59

I'm glad responses are split because I know he's not a controlling bastard but equally he hasn't regarded either our bank balance or my wishes.
On his birthday I didn't question his wishes and I don't see why he's so upset that I'm cross about him disregarding mine.
He's saying he'll take one thing back (which is what in my temper I asked him to do) but I feel so bloody guilty now. He looks all depleted and rejected.

LisaMed1 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:22:22

Looking dejected and rejected because you stuck to stating what you wanted instead of caving to what he wanted isn't good. I'm not saying he's a baddun, but you need to call him on it. Why should you feel guilty because he chose his preference over yours for your birthday

Cherrysoup Mon 05-Sep-16 18:26:50

But your OP says you would normally choose for him?

I'd be raging if my DH bought stuff to the tune of £150 that I hadn't asked for. He frankly has no clue and I'm a massive, pita fuss arse, but if I'm getting £150, I want three pairs of shoes, same brand, different colours, for example.

Totallyspies17 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:27:30

He's not a baddun but he really can be quite childish about stuff like this. He's a sulker and I'm not- I'm quite upfront and blunt.
I admit I was definitely tactless in the way I approached him but the sulking isn't fair on me as my intention wasn't to upset him but to remind him that he's done exactly what I told him not to do.

Totallyspies17 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:31:08

I do normally choose for him but he doesn't usually mind. It's only been this year that he's chosen something big and it didn't bother me at all.
I actually normally choose what I want and he moans that he can't choose. I often get what I want and something else he chose which is fine if we've got the money!!

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:44:45

We do surprises for Xmas and requests for birthdays! Maybe the way to go for 2017?!

Trojanhorsebox Mon 05-Sep-16 18:57:24

We have different attitudes to not quite right gifts - I have a tendency to be polite, say thank you, put it away and never use it, whereas my husband is more upfront and will ask for the receipt and exchange it.

After years of unintentionally offending each other with our different approaches we now tend to buy the things we want as we want them, finances permitting, and send each other Amazon wishlists or internet links to what we want as token birthday and Christmas gifts. I'm happy with a few books I've been wanting to read and he gets the exact woodworking or whatever other item he wants. It's not cute and romantic but it works for us!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now