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Not know how to deal with friendship issue at school

(19 Posts)
datingbarb Mon 05-Sep-16 17:50:04

Backstory is dd and 2 other girls have been together since starting school in reception ( they are now year 5) around end of year 1 a few friendship issues developed, at the time I thought it was a case of 3 is a crowd and that it would blow over sadly it's got steadily worst with last year being the worst, dd basically came out of school crying everyday and it became apparent to me that it's not a case of 3 a crowd it one little girl who wants the other girl all to herself, last year this girl even hit dd a few times.

To be fair after 3 years of this I'm fucking fed up, I have seen teachers weekly and voiced my concerns and dd teacher last year agreed that it was a case of this one girl being spiteful.

This year they all have a new teacher and I thought great, like teacher and hopefully he can get it sorted once and for all, this morning I went to have quick word with teacher to just make sure there aware and he assured me he knew all about it and wouldn't put up with it and it would get sorted.... Great I thought and left only for dd to come flying out 5 mins later upset that she has been seated on a large shared table and the other two have been put together on s 2 seater hmm now is it just me or if there is friendship issues wouldn't you put them all together or spilt them all up?

After school dd came out and already it's started again day one and this girl is not letting dd join in because they have a club/brownies thing they have to do and asked if they could stay in and break/lunch and work on it which was allowed despite the teachers/TA knowing if the issues, to me this is just pushing dd away and allowing her to keep being mean.

Oh and if the other girl is off sick then she wants to be dd's best friend

I really just don't know what to do or how to sort it, 3 years this has been going on for

FortyFacedFuckers Mon 05-Sep-16 17:54:00

Can you not encourage Dd to be friends with other people?

Yorkieheaven Mon 05-Sep-16 17:58:10

What about other girls/boys in the class? She needs to branch out and move on from this unhealthy friendships.

It's typical for this age though. I have to say in my experience girls are the worst for this but it's almost impossible for teachers to monitor this at the age they are now.

Year 5 so she's 9? Maybe have a sleepover at yours with other girls in the class excluding those two and build up new friendships.

datingbarb Mon 05-Sep-16 17:58:32

I have tried I really have but they just seem to have there little groups that they have had since reception, school used to mix them up and split classes 3/4 & 5/6 but they stopped that a few years ago

datingbarb Mon 05-Sep-16 18:12:43

It's just frustrating the other girl gets on well with dd and likes playing with her every morning she comes running up to dd then the other girl arrives stands there sulking giving looks

I'm cross the school has now sat them together on a two seater table it's almost like they are trying to push dd away 1st day back and she didn't play with anyone at break and lunch sad

user1468407812 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:19:35

This all sounds so familiar although this is to a further degree. There are so many politics in the way girls play compared to boys. Girls tend to play mums and dad's when really young and there's usually only room for one mum, one dad etc...where as boys play larger participation games, I.e football, transformers or whatever is popular on TV. I think the answer to this dilemma is your dd looking for companionship else where, other wise she is going to continue to be upset. I always encourage my 10 year old dd to not make herself exclusive to one person although it is hard.

datingbarb Mon 05-Sep-16 18:25:24

Sad thing is dd would happily play with both of them but this one girl stops it, if she does allow dd to join in a game them she decides that her and the other girl are princess and dd has to be the dog/dragon/toad etc hmm

I do try my hardest to encourage dd to play with others just difficult as this has been going on for 3 years now it's so draining

user1468407812 Mon 05-Sep-16 18:55:45

Sounds like your dd is up against a girl who likes the monopoly on other people, quite manipulative. Unfortunately there's nothing that you can do to resolve this, she's one of those children by the sound of it and this latest move by the teacher has played straight into her hands. Could you possibly ask for a meeting with the other girls mums or do you know them well enough to approach and discuss your dds feelings?

BetweenTwoLungs Mon 05-Sep-16 19:22:58

I would be doing everything I can to get dd to become friends with others in the class. Perhaps speak to teacher and ask for this, could she stay in to do a special job with a couple of other (nice ones)? Or speak to a couple of other mums and explain the situation?

I'm a teacher and do agree that those two should have been separated but equally you can't force children to be friends, and it sounds like this girl is unlikely to suddenly change her mind and want to be your dds friend. Even if the teacher encourages them as a three etc, the second they are outside or out of sight it continues. You need to be frank with your daughter - these girls (well, one of them) are bullies and are not good friends to have. I wouldn't be encouraging the friendship in any way - until the other friend realises what the mean one is doing, they won't suddenly just change their behaviour.

datingbarb Mon 05-Sep-16 22:10:11

Yes your totally right, it's just sad as the other little girl is lovely and enjoys playing with dd but it just seems she is allowed and I don't think she sticks up for herself

I will speak to dd and encourage that she plays with others, she does have a nice girl in her class who she is friends with but is more outside of school rather than in as they are in different groups but will see if I can encourage that a little more

bumsexatthebingo Mon 05-Sep-16 22:35:35

I would carry on encouraging other friendships tbh. I don't think that the other girl is lovely at all. By year 5 she will be well aware of what her friend is doing and is going along with it it even if she is happy to play with your dd when the other one isn't there.
I would explain to your dd that neither of them are behaving like friends and try and encourage her to approach other children/invite them over etc. I think the teacher sitting your dd away from the mean pair on a large table were she can get to know the other children more is a good move tbh.

FreyaFriday Mon 05-Sep-16 23:08:45

I think that both of the other girls don't sound very nice. I also wouldn't be impressed by the way that the school are effectively condoning their behaviour, however it always seems to be the way that kids that are nasty pieces of work just get away with it and are enabled by the school to behave that way.

Definitely making friends is the way forward. Keep inviting other kids round to play, and re-iterate to your DD that the other two girls aren't being very kind or nice to her so the best thing to do is to just ignore them and find better friends.

user1472419718 Mon 05-Sep-16 23:23:38

Some primary schools put children on tables based on ability.

Is it possible that the two girls e.g.
a. need additional support, hence being on a table together where a learning support assistant can work with them together
b. are gifted and talented and have been put together so they can be given some more challenging work whilst the rest of the class are doing some other work

Fortunately your dd is on a table with lots of other children so she can branch out and make new friends, which is a good thing as one of the girls sounds like a bit of a bully.

datingbarb Tue 06-Sep-16 10:54:29

Ability wise they are all in the same place, funnily enough they are the 3 youngest (late summer) and all struggle so are actually in the same groups for maths/English etc

I said to her this morning to just leave them to it and make friends with others and she said no one else likes her sad breaks my heart she is a sweet girl and just wants to play

Minisoksmakehardwork Tue 06-Sep-16 11:01:48

My dd and her 'best' friend can get like this. Her mum and I roll our eyes and tell them to stop being daft. However I appreciate you might not be able to speak frankly with the other girls parents.

That said, it is unfair on your dd. All you can really do is reassure her that it's nothing she is doing and to build on encouraging new friendships. If your dd had been sat at the double table with girl 1 then tbh she would have appeared to be as bad as girl 2. Excluding another child just so she could be with her friend. I'm not saying doing it the other way is right either but they may move seats around as the year progresses.

Also, by putting your dd on a bigger table, the teacher is also discouraging your dd from being as exclusive as girl 2 is being. Your dd can chat with other people and you never know, as time goes on new friendships will flourish and her original friend may want in on that when she sees she is missing out by being monopolised by this girl.

FreyaFriday Tue 06-Sep-16 13:29:06

In the long run it will definitely be better and more beneficial for your DD to be seated at a larger table with a group of children.

However I would definitely be taking the teacher to task about seating the two others together. Surely if they get a bit bitchy and exclusive he should be splitting them up in class to nip that behaviour in the bud in the classroom?

grafia123 Tue 06-Sep-16 13:50:57

My ds was stuck in a similar situation last year, though my ds was the one who was friends with both boys. One of the boys would not let the other play and both boys wanted my ds as their best friend. It was really awkward for me because I had one of the boys parents telling me how upset her son was about it. I felt the situation was not good and asked the school if they could encourage my ds to play with others because I felt both the boys were very bossy and controlling with my ds.

So far everything is going really well. My ds has widened his friendship group and seems to have moved onto a new group. I think you are doing the right thing by telling the school they must help your dd. It could be a good thing that your dd is sitting with other kids. I would keep encouraging her to make new friends. Good luck.

GoblinLittleOwl Tue 06-Sep-16 13:53:17

This situation is very likely to continue until the end of Y6 when they leave the school and hopefully make entirely new friends at secondary school.

You cannot make children like each other, and you have done your daughter no favours by constantly going into school (three years!) complaining about it, thus reinforcing her attitude. Friendships break up, children are spiteful; threesomes rarely work.This is very much an issue of control.
Stop listening to every complaint she makes and stop going into school about it; tell your daughter she has to accept the situation, and look for other friends.
She has two years left to make other friendships and learn there are plenty of nice people out there. If you continue as you are doing it will only lead to more distress.

FreyaFriday Tue 06-Sep-16 14:48:38

I think Goblin raises some valid points. It sounds as though these other girls aren't very nice, but it is a good life lesson for your DD to learn to move on from people like this and seek out other, nicer friends.

Perhaps the teacher would be able to buddy your DD up with another girl or group of girls to help her make new friendships?

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