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AIBU to expect stbxh to contribute to DC birthday treats/party?

(22 Posts)
SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 13:42:16

This could be long as don't want to dripfeed, I really want to know if I'm being BU and if I am will get back in my box.
I have 4DC with stbxh and 1DC with DP. DC see stbxh every weekend for a few hours (never has them overnight).
He has never contributed to mortgage , debts etc. I paid them when we split and DP and I now share all outgoings of household. I'm lucky to see £50 p/w towards DC and have never had regular payments despite CMS involvement.
Eldest DS recently celebrated his birthday and months ago asked if his dad would take him to an event for his birthday. I offered to cover some of cost as DS didn't want a party, stbxh said he'd do it as his present. Typically the tickets to said event never appeared and I was left to hurriedly organise something for DS to do with a few friends, (on top of separate present we'd got) as not to drip feed DS has Aspergers, hence him asking and planning months in advance and the huge disappointment when he got told a few days before that dad hadn't booked it.
Fast forward a bit and it is DD1 birthday, I took her to the treat and shopping for the present she asked for from DP and I, but am also sorting out her birthday tea (not huge but family tradtion) again no contribution but he'll still come and stuff his face as "I've already given you maintenence and uniform contribution" DP and I covered bulk of uniform and school bits
So are DP and I being unreasonable/ unrealistic in expecting stbxh to cough up a bit extra towards birthday parties, hobbies, school trips etc or is that the way it is?

Rattusn Mon 05-Sep-16 13:45:55

These things are usually covered with by maintenance. As he is not paying much maintenance, yanbu.

Can you pursue him to pay maintenance? What is the recommended rate?

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 14:13:00

Rattusn I did wonder if it came under maintenance, so not sure if BU or not. I believe it he should be paying higher as he doesn't have them overnight/share care but he's not particularly forthcoming with employment details even to CMS.
I think I'm just frustrated that DP and I do the bulk of the childcare (work opposite patterns to keep costs down) driving them to clubs, hobbies, school runs, drs/hospital apps, P.T.sodding. A meetings, etc not to mention teenage strops, tweenie tantrums, and the rest of it when he let's them down. Then he swans in for a few hours at the weekend to play super-dad.

IneedAdinosaurNickname Mon 05-Sep-16 14:16:42

Unfortunately that's the way it is. Maintenance is meant to cover everything hmm
My ex pays nothing currently (my fault as CSA case closed and I haven't yet opened one with cms)
I wouldn't ask him for extra for anything because I know he wouldn't give me it.

Mirabel105 Mon 05-Sep-16 14:18:31

It does come under maintenance but if he isn't paying any (or not what he should) then I'd expect him to contribute to these things. Why is he not paying regular maintenance - is he unemployed/self-employed?

HeddaLettuce Mon 05-Sep-16 14:21:17

Forget about birthday treats and get your finances sorted out. He doesn't pay proper maintenance. He still part owns the house you live in with someone else, and pays nothing towards it (that is such a mess, you're mad to do that!) and you're still married.
You've got way bigger problems here than birthday presents.

FuzzyOwl Mon 05-Sep-16 14:29:02

Morally I think YANBU to expect him to pay but child maintenance is the only obligation he has in terms of payment towards his children's expenses. However, why is he not regularly paying - have you kept chasing this up with CMS?

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 14:30:27

IneedAdinosaurNickname yes I guess compared to couple of friends I am lucky to see a penny. Mirabel105 he's full time but for works an agency iyswim and won't give me details to pass on to CMS.
I think I need to go back to them as he changed jobs maybe they can contact tax office?
At least now regardless of how fair or not that I think it is, I just need to pull up my big girl britches and get on with it.

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 14:38:09

FuzzyOwl I think I've been a bit soft swallowing the "I'm broke line" . He'll also pick up DC and say "daddy's got no money this week so it'll just be playing in the park today".
He'll expect me to often give them lunch first as he lives with his parents and doesn't like using their food lives rent free and doesn't want to piss them off apparently hmm
Thanks everyone for input, I'll go back to CMS and wait for angry phone call

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 14:42:06

HeddaLettuce couldn't agree more and am in process of sorting it out. It's taking a while but getting there.

IneedAdinosaurNickname Mon 05-Sep-16 14:45:59

SeymourButtz not at all. I used to hate it when people said I was 'lucky' my ex paid anything at all and I'm genuinely sorry if that's how my post came across.

wheresthel1ght Mon 05-Sep-16 14:47:40

I disagree that maintenance is to cover presents. Yes to party costs although it would not be unreasonable to ask for a contribution.

Dp pays slightly over the cms recommended amount in maintenance BUT we pay for all school uniform for both houses, all school shoes, 50% of educational school trips and we buy all presents for this house. His exw doesn't allow the kids to have parties in her house so all party costs are covered by us too and as Dss is now 13 and dsd will be 11 later this year parties are now events rather than party games and cake!

DoItTooJulia Mon 05-Sep-16 14:50:04

YANBU. I don't get it-why doesn't he want to? I know that doesn't help, but I can't understand the attitude at all.


Ratbagcatbag Mon 05-Sep-16 14:52:15

Yanbu in terms of wanting to be paid the correct level of maintenance. I think in terms of birthday stuff it depends on what you are doing. So my dh has always paid well over any minimum csa requirements, half to uniform and school trips and extra big spends too. But if we went to DSS mums for a birthday tea we wouldn't chip in for the food in those cases. If we all went out as a family or him and his mates went go karting etc then we'd share the costs. If we arranged to take DSS to a concert or something though we'd certainly get tickets and wouldn't expect his mum to contribute either.
Although your stbxh sounds like a right dick and doesn't pay anything near like he should so you do need to get that sorted.

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 14:55:07

IneedAdinosaurNickname no it didn't come across that way and did get what you mean, but one of my friends is owed thousands including from property and her lovely son has a dad that shows no interest, so I do sometimes genuinely feel that I am in a better position than a lot of people.
Thanks again for everyone's input, I'm off to participate in the sport of the devil school run, will check back when I can.

yestheyhavethesamedad Mon 05-Sep-16 15:19:47

Yanbu my ex pays 200 a mth which sounds a lot until you realise its for 5 kids so 20 per child. he asked to split in for presents and parties so kids don't play us off each other, however for the last birthday he contributed less than a quarter of the cost and for the latest one has paid nothing at all and had to be reminded to wish her a happy birthday.

and I also get told regularly that I'm lucky I get regular maintenance, yeah cause £20 per week per child is fantastic hmm

IneedAdinosaurNickname Mon 05-Sep-16 15:25:08

SeymourButtz oh phew. Glad it didn't. And that sucks for your friend. I don't know how some nrps can sleep at night!

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 16:34:10

yestheyhavethesamedad I know what you mean. wheresthel1ght Agree that if we had got tickets as our present/ treat no I wouldn't expect him to chip in but this year he promised DS to go to this event and basically didn't organise himself to do it, let DS down last minute and I felt I had to step in to make up for it.
I've been told that I'm too soft and make it too easy for him, but I struggle with seeing the kids being let down and I want the kids to have a good relationship with him as I know they'll form their own opinions on his behaviour as they get older. Growing up to discover your parents aren't exactly the person you thought they were is tough to deal with speaks from experience .
On a side note I think I struggle with watching DP work his bloody arse off (as do I) only to watch my stbxh flop around with minimal effort yet act like he's hard done by. It's hard to not get a tad stabby bite my lip when he moans about being skint.
DoItTooJulia I don't understand either sad

wheresthel1ght Mon 05-Sep-16 16:44:27

Sorry my comment was aimed at those saying maintenance is meant to cover it all.

You are doing the right thing overall imo but it does seem like he is taking the piss so it obviously isn't forcing him to step up. I would start getting things formalised and get the CMS on his case. If he is working for an angry then give the cms the details of it (if you know) and then let them deal with it all and I would stop covering for him. If he fucks up then let him deal with the fall out.

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 17:14:01

wheresthel1ght it's actually useful for me to get an insight to what others do so thank you for sharing.
I think it's back to CMS and stop expecting him suddenly become someone he's never been.
Thank you for allowing me the space to have a vent. I need to crack on with DCs tea before I have a rebellion on my hands grin. wine or brew if you prefer for you all.

SeymourButtz Mon 05-Sep-16 17:16:11

Ps. Mumsnet HQ I love the fact when I choose brew it comes up with the word brew, I've truly found my spiritual home grin

wheresthel1ght Mon 05-Sep-16 20:00:40

Haha bless them!

Not all nrps are a waste of space. My dp has his moments but he is a great dad. He adores his kids and whilst his exw is a blooming nightmare and does everything possible to stop contact he never loses it with her or uses money to get at her. He (we) think it's far better for the kids that he stays whiter than white

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