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Is friend being screwed around by cheating partner?

(18 Posts)
HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 11:37:48

A dear friend of mine has been together with her partner for 6 years, they have one DD who's almost 2. At the start of the relationship and about two years he cheated on her 3 times and she's forgiven him because she loves him. After their DD he seemed to turn over a new leaf, stayed faithful. Now a new woman in his work sent him nude pictures as they were flirting. DF found out and kicked him out but was obviously devastated.

He's given her every excuse in the book I.e he wasn't thinking, he just wanted a rush, it was the lack of sex, that they lost the 'spark' they had. Now he's telling her he wants her back, still loves her deep down and wants to get the feelings he lost back. He's been round and left her flowers, little notes saying he loves her and such but she's found out yesterday that he's still looking up the woman on Facebook, not talking to her but still looking her name up. DF is in bits, she literally has no self confidence left, doesn't understand why he's doing this and feels totally alone. What can I tell her? I feel he has no respect for her and that if he's lost feelings for her then he won't change but I feel so bad for her at the same time and want to help but Need outsider's views on this. sad

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 05-Sep-16 11:41:23

Keep out. Not your business really. I'm betting she takes him back again (and again and again) and if you interfere you'll be the villain.

HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 11:45:38

She's asked for my advice though, Tigger. I know not to insult him too much incase she does take him back but I still want to tell her what I honestly think just maybe condensed down.

Maroonie Mon 05-Sep-16 11:48:08

Can you ask her to think about what advice she would give you if it was the ther way round?
Hopefully then she can see you are coming from a place of support and she might be able to take her own advice?

HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 11:49:54

I've asked her what she thinks of the situation. And she doesn't know. One side tells her he has no respect or care for her while the other side...she blames herself.

Maroonie Mon 05-Sep-16 12:05:03

I would try asking her why she would be to blame for his behaviours and get her to actually say out loud what she thinks she did and if that really justifies cheating. While also telling her that it definitely doesn't.
It's really tricky but she does need to decide for herself, as hard as it is to watch a friend get hurt.

HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 17:53:57

Had a very long talk with her. After the baby she became less physical, she didn't want sex or to be kissed and thinks she pushed him away. She also thinks that because she was always paranoid and accused him that it's her fault. sad

Oopsiedaiseyy Mon 05-Sep-16 18:01:25

I was in a similar position and I learnt that men don't ever change. Her lack of sex drive is no excuse. Ultimately only she can decide to leave him and it's a tough decision especially when there are kids involved. I'm sure he's very convincing with his apology but if you love someone you don't do that bullshit - he's showing a total lack of respect. His cheating made me lose so much confidence I myself. I'm a single mum now and he's a great father and every time I have to see him I and 100% glad I left him - I'm happy and I'm me again!

HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 18:24:26

That's how she is, Oops. No confidence and terrified of being alone because she's so used to being with him. He's a great dad but a terrible partner but she thinks she won't be able to cope.

Oopsiedaiseyy Mon 05-Sep-16 19:15:15

As long as she is with him she will keep feeling like that - she knows he is interested in other women, that won't make her feel sexy or bring back her drive. She will ultimately do what she wants, I think you just need to be there for her regardless of what she chooses to do.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 05-Sep-16 19:20:13

The first time she forgave him she gave him the green light to cheat again. He won't stop cheating and she won't stop forgive him. Best keep out of it.

HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 19:29:11

I'm going to support her no matter what but I'm seeing her fall apart when I know she still loves him and he has no respect for her.

BrightOranges Mon 05-Sep-16 19:33:41

What a lovely friend you are. That's all you can do, be there for her and support her in her choice.
I have a friend in a similar situation but her DH is not only a cheat and has no respect for her, he's also a useless father.
I don't like anything about him but I can't tell friend how I feel. Just be there for her.

HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 19:59:21

Thank you, Bright. smile Im finding it hard not to say anything as she's flat out asking me what to do and what I think. She hates it when I give her 'neutral' answers that she knows fine rightly I've condensed down. :/

Discobabe Mon 05-Sep-16 20:12:11

Maybe you should tell her what YOU would do if it was you and your partner? She might just need someone to say no I wouldn't take him back, I think x y z, to give her the confidence to know she's making a sensible decision? Just let her know you'll support her whatever she decides. Maybe try and get her to do something to build her confidence? Join a club, volunteer etc?

If he felt the spark was lost why didn't HE make the effort to bring it back though. Buy her flowers, take her out, sweet texts etc. Why is it her fault he chose not to? Why is it her fault he's still looking the woman up despite supposedly wanting to try again? Bloody lame arse excuses and even lamer to blame someone else. Nothing will ever change when it's always someone elses fault angry

BrightOranges Mon 05-Sep-16 20:13:34

Oh I know and it's tricky. If you're honest it could jeopardise your friendship. She loves him deep down. I think when people ask for advice they only really want their own thoughts and feelings reaffirmed.

When my friend asks me I just tell her she knows what her DH is like and that she can't expect him to change. That his behaviour now is nothing new and it will continue. It's about what she's willing to accept not only for her but for her kids too. And I add that I will support her whether she stays in the relationship or not.

BrightOranges Mon 05-Sep-16 20:15:19

When it comes to advice I'm usually very outright but when it involves relationships I'm very wary.

HavenforHaggis Mon 05-Sep-16 21:11:26

Exactly, Disco. We've started the gym together so she can get some frustration out and also feel good about herself in the process. She's had a section and hated what it did to her body. He knew this so I think it makes the fact that it's nude photos of another woman.

I've taken the leap and told her honestly what I would do, putting myself in the situation seems to have lessened the blow I think. I told her if a partner did that to me I'd realise they have very little low and respect for me and that they're never going to change. She's repeated what I've said to him and his excuse for it all? He wasn't thinking. He was on auto pilot. He thought they were going down hill/lost feelings and wanted a rush. :/

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