To feel like shit??(14 Posts)
My children see their father for half the school holidays and during term time 5 nights out of 14.
They get spoilt rotten, get taken out every single day and get bought anything they ask for.
I'm grateful that they have a father who cares. The problem I have is how the kids speak about me when they are home.
I get told I'm boring because we don't go out everyday. I can't afford to! I am told regularly that dad is better than me. That they love him more.
Every day they ask how many days until dads. My breakfast is never good enough. Dad cooks better than me apparently. He is more fun.
I just feel like a shit mother. I suffer from depression and this is making it worse.
Even on holiday when we did loads every day and I spent a fortune, it still wasn't good enough.
Very fed up today. Please be gentle..
Hi OP - I understand how you must feel...... That's normal.
Kids at that age just see the "fun" stuff and don't really appreciate how much effort you put into raising them, but they will eventually, don't worry.
Also, obv you don't need to take them out everyday, but days out don't have to cost a fortune. There should be plenty of low cost alternatives, especially in the Summer holidays. Have a look online, you might be suprised!
Also, kids use throwaway statements like the ones you have mentioned. Have you actually told them how much these hurt you? They most likely don't realise.
Don't listen to what they say as I child I was always jealous of my friends parents who took them out or brought them the latest toys but looking back the time with my mum was really valued we always had fun at home with baking arts and crafts movie nights
OP deep breath you're not in competition with your ex despite it feeling like that. No matter how much it stings just reply neutrally.
How old are they?
I was the kid that 'got everything'. Wish I just had a parent that cared (or actually made me breakfast). 'Things' don't matter in the long run, it's knowing you're loved is what matters. When you're young, you don't see it unfortunately.
Children tend to be egocentric so they only look at life from their perspective. Try not to let it upset you, it is perfectly normal that the resident parent does all the grunt work with little or no appreciation. Your bonus comes when they are grown up and they are more aware of how the world works. The main thing is not to let them feel they have to "choose" between their love for the two of you.
They are 6 and 8. It probably doesn't help that their dad asks what they did at mums and then comments on my lack of activities.
We did loads on our holiday but I also worked most weeks. But still took them to the cinema or park.
I have explained certain comments are hurtful but it hasn't stopped the comments.
Op I get similar ish comments from DSC about how I cook compared to their mother, about the cloths their father supplies compared to their mothers. But you know what? I'm 99% sure her mother gets similar comparisons to us - my dsc are just looking to get the best they can. I think their mum hears about how many holidays we have, how many late nights or cinema trips we have.... It's just part of being a kid in this kind of set up.
I get really hurt to hear my food and cooking us not as good as their mothers, but I have to let it go.
I'd explain really clearly to your kids that their comments are hurtful & that you try your best to give them everything you can. At 6 and 8 they are not too young to know just how hard their (presumably single?) mum works to provide a roof over their heads. I'd also ask the ex to stop judging and undermining you & if he doesn't listen, it might be worthwhile to officially get his time with them reduced, or to get more money from him so you can do nice things with them too.
They are still quite little. I don't think children's frontal lobes (part of the brain that houses empathy and suchlike!) is fully developed until late teens, thats my theory as to why they can hit you where it hurts and not feel bad!
I guess perhaps their dad is overcompensating seeing as he only has them 1/3 of the time? I do think being a good parent is to show kids that having fun sometimes means not spending money and actually letting them be bored and use their imagination to create fun! (I can make anything sound educational!) Otherwise surely they'll turn into unimaginative, entitled, spendthrifts? See it as that you're providing the balance. Actually, how do you know they don't say the same thing about you to their dad, "how long before we see mum?", "when are we going home?". You think they've never cried to see you when they're at their dads? He probably wouldn't tell you.
It is very hurtful for you, but your children are young and being encouraged to compare by their father. Explain as simply and gently as you can that you do not have as much money as he does, and as they get older show them your finances and budget. If he is able to spend all this money on them it sounds as though he could afford to pay you more maintenance.
See the thing is when our kids grow up they don't remember Things' and outings as part of a happy secure childhood. They remember security and consistency... Feeling loved. Obviously you ex feels like he has to compete and threatened which is sad but not your problem.
Ignore as much as you can or give a that's nice darling and just carry on with what you're doing. It pays out later on.
He doesn't pay any maintenance and never will. And csa cannot help because none of it goes through the books. Instead he over spends when they are with him.
He bought them shoes and coats for school but only because I asked him too.
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