My child's behaviour

[Needfinsnow]

Sooo...my dd is 5 and an only child, only grandchild. BUT my families reaction to her behaviour is concerning me, I don't know if she is naughty, or they have unfair expectations. She is very very intelligent, and very talkative. I can't drive so if we are in a car it's being driven by one of them and they expect complete silence.. No I spy games etc. No talking above a whisper (which my gobby child is incapable of) I usually give her iPod with story tapes on and earphones just to keep her sufficiently quiet for them. Tonight we went out for dinner and she was very excited...her daily life is just her and I usually out of school time, so for her having 3 extra adults around was special..and she was noisy and not sitting down. Am I a terrible mum I didn't/ couldn't get her to calm down? / how would you recommend I do? She's a brilliant child just seems to act up when my family are around! I'm so worried when my brother and his gf (the favoured people) have kids, my parents will have even less interest in my naughty child (as they call her). She is a wonderful, kind and articulate girl, just sometimes more loud and less responsive to instructions than I'd like!

[Puzzledconfusedandbewildered]

Bargain with her.

If you sit nicely through dinner you can do x

If you're quiet for nanny and grandad in the car we'll go to the park

That sort of thing. It seemed that combined with the death glare worked with mine

[Rumpelstiltskin143]

Over the top to expect complete silence in the car, no sudden squeals maybe.

However, I would expect her to sit in a restaurant and not be loud.

[Wolfiefan]

I think expecting total silence in the car is OTT but I often ask mine to be quiet when doing things like joining a motorway etc.
I would expect a 5 year old to sit at the table for dinner but they would get bored. We always take a bag. Colouring. Small toys.

[kittymamma]

Screw them! 5 year olds do not sit quietly in a car, never mind in silence. What a horrible system. Their expectations are unreasonable. While going out for dinner is a tricky one, sounds like my 5 year old but we would have taken her outside to play and before bringing her back in explained she had to sit sensibly. If they are going to insist on silence in the car, she will act up out of the car, I'd blame them personally. She sounds like a fairly normal 5 year old...

Kids need grandparents that love and accept them. My father's parents never liked me and I am ok with that, they do seem to like their other grandchildren though. I never understood why she disliked me so much but we now have not spoken in 15 years and I'm fine with it.

[Needfinsnow]

Puzzled I try that! But my family tell her that she "doesn't have to sit down" etc.. Every single thing I tell dd my parents will overrule...it makes it so bloody hard to get her to fit into their expectations! Plus...she can't seem to remember from one minute to the next what I've asked her!! Then they get mad that she isn't behaving!! X

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

I thought children should be seen and not heard was from the dark ages??

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

She's 5! Your family need to lower their expectations!

Silence in the car?! Hello Fun Police!

[Muskateersmummy]

For me it's largely about being prepared. So I always tell dd before we go somewhere what behaviour is expected and what lovely things will happen and when. That manages her expectations and makes it easier for me to then remind her of what she's meant to be doing.

When going out anywhere, like long car journey, meals etc I take a bag full of colouring things, stickers, iPad etc for her to play with between courses and if she's restless take her for a walk about. I think it's important to set them up to succeed, being prepared helps me to do that.

[Imaginosity]

Your family sound unreasonable. They also sound a bit joyless.

My DS1 was like that at 5. He's 7 now and is calming down a good bit. Some children just take a bit longer to get there. Some children too are just naturally a bit more calm and compliant.

[Wolfiefan]

You're a grown up now. Your parents don't get to overrule you when it comes to your child. Tell them to stop it.

[5Foot5]

I am with Rumpel on this on. A bit unrealistic and petty to expect silence in the car. But the behaviour in the restaurant sounds irritating

[Muskateersmummy]

Having read your reply, I think you also need to chat to your parents about not undermining you. Your trying to give your daughter manners so they need to back you up and help, not side with dd

[FATEdestiny]

...less responsive to instructions than I'd like

This is the problem

If she wont do as you ask her to do, then your family may have a point about her behaviour.

[Needfinsnow]

Thank you!! All...so so much!!! Makes me feel my dd isn't so bad. I took colouring with us and they were angry she asked them to colour wth her, I was doing anyway so she just wanted them to do something with her. She was noisy at dinner as they were ignoring her whilst my brother talked about his endless speech about his iron mans he does.. She was told to be quiet so he could discuss the particulars of his different tyres....

[Imaginosity]

Do you enjoy spending time with your family? I'd be a bit fed up at the lack of any allowances for a small child - it would make me avoid spending time with them

[FATEdestiny]

Crossed post.

Your parents should not be underminding you. You could do with talking to them about this

[NapQueen]

I'd just avoid the child unfriendly stuff they seem to want her to do. It's bad crack to drag (them not you) a 5yo to an adult environment and expect her to emulate adult behaviour.

[witsender]

I expect chat in the car, but no loudness where possible, audio books are good.

Restaurants, obviously they have leeway but I have always expect, and had, the children sitting with us to eat. At 5 I would expect a child to be able to sit at a table for a meal without dominating or running off. Provided the adults engage with them and don't expect them to be seen and not heard! Have never allowed devices at the table, but a sticker book, reading book, colouring etc, a small toy always in my bag.

[gandalf456]

I had this with DS, in particular, and it got to the point that he acted up ONLY when they were around and then I realised the problem was with them, not him. My elder DD actually said that they were 'making him naughty because they fussed about him.'

I did end up having a row between the worst perpetrator and passed the responsibility (partially) to them to make him feel included and not like a nuisance. If the extended family are more positive with your DD, her behaviour will improve around them.

I had to have a look at how they were around me, too. Berating me in front of my children for not parenting how they saw fit was not a way to elicit respect from my own children about boundaries and discipline either.

[Cabrinha]

Why are you so worried about your parents' opinion?

For the car journey, silence is hard for a small child but they may find her distracting when driving and if she is happy to listen to a story on the iPod - no issue, surely? Longer journeys - well, don't do them.

For restaurants, if she's "very very intelligent" you can explain to her that noise and bouncing around isn't appropriate. If she can't contain that, then don't go! I don't mean because children shouldn't be children, in restaurants - but because your parents are arranging it and don't like it. So when they next suggest it, say "actually mum / dad, that won't work for us as X likes to have a wander which you don't like, and it's better to be somewhere that she can make a noise and not bother people - somewhere young family oriented. We're going to on bus / foot - why don't you join us there?"

[Needfinsnow]

FAT you are rig her behaviour in responding to instructions IS A PROBLEM! It's pretty much my biggest angst. But my mother tells her that what I say isn't important and it's what she says that matters. If my dd cries after I've told her not to do something my mother lets her do it. This is the very thing that causes me the most problems. I'm aware my dd behaviour is awful (although she is still better behaved than many kids I get in my restaurant and I see out.) I just really want advice as to how to bypAss my mothers interventions!

[Paintedhandprints]

Sounds like a normal 5yo to me. If you and dd are not enjoying the visits with your parents cut them down a bit.

[bumsexatthebingo]

I would expect a 5 year old not to talk when other people are tbh - even if they aren't interested in what's being said.
Don't let your parents undermine you. If you have told her to sit and they say she doesn't have to tell them and her that she does because you have asked her and you are her mother! I would tell them that you won't be travelling in the car with them anymore either - the atmosphere must be horrible.

[OrsonWellsHat]

Your parents should not undermine you.
Your family should engage in conversation/colouring with your dd.
The iron man ramblings would send me over the edge, let alone a 5 year old.
Your family sound a boring, joyless bunch.
Your parents shouldn't call your DD naughty, self fulfilling prophecy.

[Muskateersmummy]

No way to bypass. You need to talk to you mum. She has to stop undermining you. Also if dd cries because you stop her doing something your mum allows, you need to explain to her that when she's will mummy she has to follow mummy's rules.