AIBU or was my friends behaviour ridiculous?(26 Posts)
We've been friends for 20+ years and I always knew she could be difficult. At first as teenagers we fell out a lot while others would wonder why, however as we grew up more and more of our mutual friends had the same sort of problems with her.
For example, she can be quite stroppy if plans don't go her way, if a group of us choose a new pub to meet in we get a barrage of texts "that's in the middle of fucking nowhere" when it's 5 mins from a tube station and then she will get lost finding it and send lots of angry texts and arrive in a huff. Usually one of us heads out to meet her which last time led to us not being able to get back in due to a queue (and she was 2 hours late setting off!)
Anyway I moved away from her city 2 years ago, I've visited lots since and she has never visited me. So I was pleasantly surprised when she announced she was going to join another friend in visiting me last weekend!
So as soon as she booked her tickets she texted me several times with messages like "I'll be living on beans for a month" and "am totally skint now due to this trip" which just made me feel bad!
Consequently I planned lots of free stuff for us to do and planned to cook a meal in the house to save on eating out. I also said I would pick them up for the airport to save the £10 taxi fare.
So the night before she arrives my DP is asked to do an extra shift. Due to a very early start he has to take the car as no public transport and it's 40 miles away so taxi would be so expensive.
I texted my friend straightaway to apologise and explain that I would book them a taxi from the airport to mine (I didn't really think I should get a taxi out there to meet her, but I could be wrong?). I offered to buy them both a drink to make up for the cost.
I got a one word response "ok". Then a load of half joking texts about never having been to my city before and she would get lost!
For the rest of the weekend she didn't get her purse out once! My other visitor and I paid for every round in the pub. She moaned about every free activity I had planned and didn't want to do any of the stuff that my other visitor wanted to do. She just wanted to sit in the pub as everything else was "too expensive". We'd already booked one paid gig and she moaned constantly about the cost although she really enjoyed it. We ate at mine one night and she opened and drank all the wine another friend had brought for me(I wasn't drinking as I had work early) and also ate all the biscuits she brought for me as a present, I had about 2! The other night we bought food from a stall, I went to the bar and she got the food and didn't give me any change from £10, I only found out later it was £7.
To be honest after she left I was relieved! And that makes me sad!
Should I say something to her? I only realised after she left about not paying for stuff, I can afford to pay for her but to be honest it was her stroppy attitude that annoyed me! Or am I being unfair and she clearly has money worries?
She sounds awful and not much of a friend. I don't think "saying anything" ever really achieves much. She clearly is very self absorbed, selfish and entitled (that great MN word) and would probably not take any of your criticism of her on board.
I wouldn't bother getting in touch or making any effort to visit her, if she wants to pursue the friendship, she'll really have to work a bit harder on it but I doubt she will.
I've called her out on some of her strops before and she always says she was "joking".
A few months ago she said she feels we aren't as close as we used to be, and I know that I am pulling away from her a lot but it's because it's bloody hard work!
Sounds like she resented every penny she spent and was congratulating herself on every penny recouped: free wine, keeping your change, even reclaiming her gift of biscuits. I had a friend like this. He'd be early to the pub so he'd already have a pint then he'd accept a drink from everyone without ever getting a round. I'm sure he thought he was very clever but it wore very thin. Unless she has some stellar qualities you haven't mentioned I'd let this friendship drift.
Agree with DownTown. I find this kind of behaviour utterly reprehensible. I can't be doing with penny pinching tightwads and freeloaders. Seriously OP, get rid.
She sounds like a dick but you let her walk all over you
You should've mentioned it at the time, there's no way you can ask for money now
I would phase her out though, she doesn't sound like a friend
Yeah I think it really was that she resented the cost of the flight, I would happily have paid for her drinks/tickets etc but it just became apparent that she didnt care about anyone else's plans for the weekend and was determined to have a rubbish time!
I don't think I will say anything but I'm definitely not going to visit her his month, I was on the fence but I need some time away!
why do you work so hard to keep someone so awful in your life?
If she really was a good friend once, and you are phasing her out anyway, I would be tempted to say something. Either she won't accept it and will strop off or it might make her stop and think....
When you say she doesn't like it when plans don't go her way, do you mean she doesn't like the u familiar eg new pub or new country? If she seriously struggles with navigating around both situations could throw her.
OP she woukd be my friend no more. She sounds like extremely had work, not very nice to boot. I woukd let this one go!
Sounds like someone I used to know. If she's always complaining and dragging everyone down then just don't bother.
She came to visit you and have a holiday. It is her responsibility to pay for her own holiday. If she couldn't afford it she should have waited a few months.
She sounds absolutely awful.
That's very bad form on her part. If you feel you need to get it off your chest then address it with her. It won't go down well I'm sure. Or put it down as the last time you'll put up with this and distance yourself.
I have a friend who is very difficult to be around sometimes, although she's not tight like your friend, but the strops are relentless. I've stopped a lot of socialising as the complaints can be exhausting.
I'm not clear what you get from this friendship. Are you?
What does she have on you that you still even see her?! Blackmail?
So she's a freeloader, tantrumms to force her own way and sounds utterly rude to boot. Do you actually like her or is this a "force of habit" friendship?
What's the point in being friends with her?
This friend seems clueless about social norms - I'd call her on her behaviour to help save her from herself!
I think you do not want to just dump her, I think you would just do it if you wanted to.
So assuming you want to be friends with her, I'd leave it for now and not say anything.
If she makes contact again I would see if I wanted to see her. If you see her I would not offer her lifts, or free meals or anything. I'd suggest you go for a cheap meal or drinks out and say up front, let's just go halves on everything to make it fair.
If she asked why I'd just say it was fairer. I'd only divulge how I felt about that weekend if she practically dragged it out of me, simply because life is too short!
BUT I would not allow her to do this to me again. She barged her way into your weekend with a friend and virtually wrecked it by her moaning and free loading. If you do not want her to join in a weekend again just say you are busy when someone else visits, you've booked things already 'expensive' things or whatever.
If you do meet up, maybe she could cook for you! I think if she has money worries do cheap things, but let her choose the cheap things and if she moans just say 'you choose it!' in an exasperated voice.
If after all this she cannot change I would allow the friendship to die the death it is doomed to die. You can only piss people off for so long.
But I'd be asking myself why her friendship is so important to you despite the fact she is clearly pretty mean in both sense of the word!
You sound far too kind and lovely.
But don't be a door mat to people who take advantage....
I also am guilty of that
She's not your friend.
I have a mate who was a wee bit of a freeloader when he knew we earned more and he was skint (we didn't mind the paying, but the assumption and had high costs). Once he was minted (and he was really minted) - he rolled out the red carpet. Didn't expect us to put a hand in a pocket (we did, because we're like that).
None of this tantrumming and bullshit though. We realised we needed to be quite clear - 'shall we go out for a meal?' (because our house building site, his flat grim ) was not the same as 'some round and we'll get a takeaway' (where he could reasonably expect us to pay. We were pissed off for a time, but realise we just needed to be really clear and he wouldn't take offence.
She sounds hard work though. What are you getting from the friendship? Old friend and I communicate rarely as we live in different countries, but when he's here we all make an effort, no one moans nor (now we are all similarly off) makes silly assumptions.
Well I think it's force of habit plus many close mutual friends. Often we will fall into arranging a get together, and all seems fine until there's some sort of issue with the venue/people/time. But usually we do end up having a nice time all together.
Interesting the poster above who mentioned navigating. She definitely doesn't like unfamiliar places but will travel for ages for certain places, but not others. Like one time we met for coffee and she was insistent on this one place that was not convenient for either of us really, it turned out it was next door to the office of the guy she liked at the time. I feel like she will make an effort for new friends/love interests but her old friends have to put up with all these strops!
Just a bit fed up but from all the responses can see that I'm justified in pulling back, and I won't be paying for anything else again!
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