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Should I keep my mouth shut in future?

(26 Posts)
JamaisDodger Sun 04-Sep-16 20:16:38

One of the school mums has been cool towards me of late, which I think originates from a conversation we had where she asked me about DS2's (4) birth. I told her that my DC are adopted and she went bright red and apologised. I told her there was nothing to be sorry for, but now I'm thinking I should be keeping this info to myself - it's never been a secret though.

AIBU to think that this piece of info is the reason for the cihilliness? Or is it much more likely to be some other aspect of my personality she has taken exception to?

Cherrysoup Sun 04-Sep-16 20:19:09

Who knows? Just be bright and breezy with her in case she feels that she's upset you.

ayeokthen Sun 04-Sep-16 20:25:18

If that is the reason, then that's horrible. As an adoptee I am bloody grateful for parents like mine, and like you. Not that you need me to tell you, but you're no less a Mum than anyone else. Have you asked her why she's funny with you? You shouldn't have to hide the fact your kids are adopted, it's something to be proud of not ashamed of.

John4703 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:25:49

I have the perfect family. Two boys and two girls, two natural and two adopted. One boy and one girl are adopted and one boy and one girls are the result of me and my ex wife having sex.
I love them all (I mean the children not the ex wife, I hate her ).
I do not hide their adoption, I do not give details of their birth mothers, we did not know them until the "children" (now age 40 and 41) found out some details.
Adoption is part of life, do not be ashamed of it, be proud of your children. They are your children, you chose to adopt them, you wanted them, you love them.

JamaisDodger Sun 04-Sep-16 20:32:00

Thanks, I am absolutely not ashamed by the way, but you have convinced me I don't need to lie & keep this quiet - I do worry the the DCs piers might have negative attitudes from their bonkers parents though.

One of the other adoptive mums keeps it a secret, but I feel she's making her life difficult doing this & it's hard to make friends if you're so guarded.

GreenieGables Sun 04-Sep-16 20:43:42

I think it's more that she's embarrassed and feels a bit silly. I'm sure things will get back to normal soon, just carry on being bright and breezy with her and I'm sure it'll be fine.

Fluffsnuts Sun 04-Sep-16 20:46:20

She's probably mortified and doesn't know how to continue. Be normal to her and she'll hopefully get over it.

RunningLulu Sun 04-Sep-16 21:04:54

She's probably still kicking herself lol.

Soubriquet Sun 04-Sep-16 21:07:34

I would say she is embarassed and doesn't want to approach you in case she upset or offended you

OlennasWimple Sun 04-Sep-16 21:12:31

She's probably a bit embarassed, that's all. But FWIW I don't tell many people that DD is adopted, as it's her information to share not mine. If someone asks about birth, I either deflect onto my experience with DS (birth child), or say something about her being overdue and having a cone head at birth as a result (true, just wasn't my pelvis she was stuck in for a a week!), or just say there's nothing much really to say about it.

mamarach26 Sun 04-Sep-16 21:27:04

Like other people have said, she is probably embarrassed. I remember acting like this when I thought a lady at work was pregnant... We were fine again a few weeks later. I still go all red and flustered thinking about it.

QuackDuckQuack Sun 04-Sep-16 21:28:06

It's your/your DD's information to share as you wish. Adoption happens, it's not a new concept to this woman. Other people's reactions to it aren't your responsibility.

I agree that she's embarrassed, but probably will get over it with time.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Sun 04-Sep-16 21:32:30

She probably just feels like she might have put her foot in it and doesn't know what to say!

A recent friend of mine (recent as in has only recently become a friend) adopted about 8 months ago, and we were talking about it. I struggled to know how to not offend her because obviously I didn't want to ask why she'd decided on adoption rather than trying for her own, and if I'm honest I don't even really care - it's just that the sort of conversations you have with 'natural' parents you would ask if the baby was expected etc.

WhisperingLoudly Sun 04-Sep-16 21:34:21

I bet she's mortified.

drspouse Sun 04-Sep-16 21:42:23

When I tell people we adopted they look really surprised, I think because it's unusual, rather than because it's usually a secret. I usually say "it's not a secret but it's not the first thing we tell people either".

I'd prefer people not ask why we chose to adopt and in particular not "instead of having your own" because they are our own, and because I wouldn't ask friends how long it took them to get pregnant, whether their close in age second child was unplanned, if they had fertility treatment, or if they had a miscarriage ever. They will tell you if they want to.

Also if you ask if we know much about "their background" the answer is either Yes or No, not a full round of gossip on their birth parents. That is REALLY only our and our children's business. But that's an aside. I'm sure none of you would dream of asking that.

SweetieBumMum Sun 04-Sep-16 22:42:27

Probably more a parent issue than a child issue. My son was recently astonished to learn that his class mate from Guatamala was adopted. His parents are both white (im mentioning this as they are so v different it perhaps should be obvious) but to my 9 yr old son - he didn't have a clue. That's the child, those are his parents.

MinonsMovie Sun 04-Sep-16 22:49:49

Is it chilliness, or is she just mortified? She's maybe worried about saying something stupid.

JamaisDodger Sun 04-Sep-16 23:07:09

I think you're all right about this, I'm not sure why it's embarrassing but it obviously is for some! I've had the 'ooh, gossip!' type responses before, but never embarrassment. Well it takes all sorts I guess, I'll just be breezy with her smile

BeaLola Sun 04-Sep-16 23:52:19

I think she was / is a bit embarrassed. She probably feels that she embarrassed you - I say this as a Mum of an adopted son who has had quite a few people be amazed that Ds is adopted - even though it's nota secret . Just Carry on chatting as normal and will be ok

Pigeonpost Mon 05-Sep-16 00:00:31

People respond "ooh, gossip!" to be told your child is adopted?!? Wtf? Why? How is it gossip?!? How do you react to these idiots?! flowers for you, I think all adopters are amazing, the process is brutal. I know it has to be but still.

KC225 Mon 05-Sep-16 00:13:43

Totally agree with the others - she is embarrassed. Feels she may have put her foot in it.

JamaisDodger Mon 05-Sep-16 09:01:52

Pigeonpost, they want to know all the gory details about how badly they were abused sad although some are more upfront than others about it. I should tell them to fuck off, I know, but it's a fairly common response (from acquaintances rather than friends), so I just say something like 'some people can't cope with parenthood'. These are not the people I would choose to tell anyway, but when you suddenly have two DC and last week you had none, it invites questions smile

Pigeonpost Mon 05-Sep-16 18:55:32

That's horrendous! I know several people who have adopted and it's never occurred to me to ask for the gory details, which presumably you can't give anyway!! Jeez. Hats off to you.

drspouse Tue 06-Sep-16 11:06:13

Well, you could give them (and occasionally naive new adoptive parents do, out of not thinking or feeling obliged or wanting to make sure people know their children actually needed to be adopted and they are not child snatchers), but it's not a good idea.

There wouldn't actually be any legal repercussions unless there was a current court case or something. But it's something that your child might well not want people to know - especially not when they are older.

biggles50 Tue 06-Sep-16 16:43:23

Could you maybe put her out of her misery? Just breeze up to her and slip it in, how are you? Not had a good catch up, hope you're not brooding about the adoption conversation, it doesn't come up every day, so how's things? She'll be fine but if she's still cool don't bother. My best friend was adopted and there were sometimes tricky questions that I remember from when we were young. Like asking her why she was darker than her sister, just little things that she answered and people would be a bit embarrassed.

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