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AIBU?

To get annoyed with my mum calling every day...

91 replies

pipnchops · 04/09/2016 19:55

Feel like a horrible daughter tonight. Somehow my mum has got into this routine, since my DD was born almost two years ago and I no longer work, where she calls me every day at around 5 to see how my day has been. This is fine but if I happen to not answer, if I'm out or I don't hear the phone, then she leaves a message sounding really worried and sends me a text asking if I'm out and if everything is OK. I finally decided enough was enough tonight and said that I don't mind her calling but if I don't answer can she just leave it for that day and call again tomorrow rather than message me and expect a call or message back, unless of course she does need to urgently speak to me. It's annoying when I get the message and it's all a rush to get dinner ready etc and I have to call her back or text her to let her know I'm OK. I wish she'd just assume I'm OK and let me get on with my life. Also I admitted that I don't really feel we need to talk every day as I don't have much to tell her. I'm not one for small talk and it's usually a pretty pointless and boring conversation. (I didn't say that last bit) Well, she was not happy and made me feel really awful for saying this. She lives alone and I think the call gives her something to do. I feel awful. But like I say, I don't mind call but I hate being tied to it every day. AIBU?

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Ilovemygsd · 04/09/2016 20:00

Nope, not being unreasonable. You're gonna need a imaginary job to stop this without hurting her feelings. I feel ur pain

pinkdonkey · 04/09/2016 20:04

I've had to wean my DM off the daily phonecalls too, either by not responding till hours later then texting to say sorry I missed your call, I was busy. Or by answering the phone butvsaying I'm sorry I can't talk now I'm busy I'll speak tomorrow.

I've had to be really hard hearted about it at times as I was getting smothered from a distance. I think she gets lonely but I can't be there for her all the time. With gentle encouragement she has expanded her social circlecand now shes oftenvthe one too busy to talk when I phone!

sonlypuppyfat · 04/09/2016 20:10

My mum panics if she doesn't hear from me I don't know what she thinks has happened if I don't answer

wobblywonderwoman · 04/09/2016 20:13

I couldn't deal with constant phone calls but once a day doesn't sound too bad - I would ring at some point suitable for you and breezily say I will chat to you over the next couple of days.

Dh mother was getting in the habit of ringing and requesting visits all the time and I had to pull back a lot.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 04/09/2016 20:16

She sounds lonely, does she go to any clubs?

NavyandWhite · 04/09/2016 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phoenix1973 · 04/09/2016 20:18

My mum used to get fed up with her mum phoning everyday.
When nan died, mum used to actually will that phone to ring.it never did.
She missed it when it was gone.

SabineUndine · 04/09/2016 20:22

No, YANBU. I had a bit of this when my mother retired and by the time she'd finished I felt completely cornered and very stressed by it. Her behaviour was very damaging to our relationship. How often did your mum call you when you were working? Maybe you can get back to that.

Mycraneisfixed · 04/09/2016 20:22

That's the worst time of day to call a mum and YANBU

gillybeanz · 04/09/2016 20:24

I couldn't cope with this either, but feel sorry for her.
She sounds very lonely.
Suggestion: Can you get her involved with some groups that happen around this time as it seems this is when she feels it most.
Maybe just once or twice go with her until she establishes a friendship group.
You won't feel guilty and your dm will have friends and a life, hence other's to call.

fullyupholstered · 04/09/2016 20:25

I think you are being a bit unreasonable as it sounds like the call to you is the highlight of her day. She's your mum and one day (I imagine) she did everything for you like you are now for your own DD. It also sounds like she is quite anxious. Could you suggest she calls at another time though?

pipnchops · 04/09/2016 20:28

She is lonely, although she volunteers, goes to clubs and has a few good friends she meets up with most weeks, I know she misses living with someone though. She just loves company. I do feel awful but I'm just not like that, I enjoy my own company and just getting on with my own thing. I do feel smothered. I see her at least once a week though and I don't mind taking to her regularly but I'd just like it to not be something I feel tied to at a certain time every day. That's all I was trying to say to her but she took it really badly.

OP posts:

MushuDragon · 04/09/2016 20:30

My mum calls me daily, or I her.

I worry if I don't hear from her and her me.

each to their own.

FurryLittleTwerp · 04/09/2016 20:30

I had to stop my mum calling between 5&8pm when DS was little - she'd start with "I expect you've just got in / are busy with dinner/bath / trying to get him to bed" & then be huffy if I tried to cut her short or not answer at all!

JellyBelli · 04/09/2016 20:31

Calling at dinner time is a bit self centered. She has raised her own family and should realise how busy you are that time of day.
It also stops you phoning her for any reason.

roarfeckingroar · 04/09/2016 20:32

My dad is a bit like this. My DM passed away years ago and I'm an only child. I love him dearly and am happy to chat but what does annoy me is when, if I don't reply because I'm busy, usually at work, he will assume something has happened to me and text asking if I am ok. I lived abroad, travelled, all sorts alone - of course I'm alright when I'm at home or at work! But they aren't around forever and it's great to be loved.

RachelLL92 · 04/09/2016 20:35

I was in a similar situation when my lo was born also feeling under pressure and disrespected as a parent best thing I done was stand up for my self

Itscurtainsforyou · 04/09/2016 20:38

My fil has done this since my mil died 4 years ago. It's at least once, often more per day. He'll keep ringing until he gets an answer or will phone my oh on his mobile in a panic.

He has very little to say, berates us for not doing jobs on our house that he thinks should be done and is hard of hearing so doesn't hear anything the kids have to say to him.

I know it's a highlight of his day, he's lonely, but it's quite full on. We've tried to suggest hobbies/ activities to take up his time and give him an interest ( other than us) but he's not interested.

I feel your pain OP.

WipsGlitter · 04/09/2016 20:39

My mum also calls at the worst time 6.30 when we are just in the middle of dinner. She also gets very huffy if I try to cut her short or don't answer.

You've been very honest, I'd let the dust settle for a bit now.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 04/09/2016 20:39

I used to speak to my mum everyday when DC were babies, I was lonely and needed a chat! Mostly I phoned her though... Do hope she didn't think I was a chore

DoloresVanCartier · 04/09/2016 20:40

OP it sounds like you are busy and five is probably not a great time to call but, she is your mum and she loves you very much, there will be a day when she doesn't phone, you can't call her and you wish with all you heart your mum was there to annoy you with calls . Why don't you ask her to call at a less busy time and enjoy the fact she wants to know you and DS are ok and have a chat

Joinourclub · 04/09/2016 20:43

My mum is the same. So half the time I answer on speakerphone so that she can hear the chaos unfolding around me and then she is quick to sign off!

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RhinestoneCowgirl · 04/09/2016 20:45

Although YANBU about the timing, 5pm is not great time for relaxed conversation with small children around.

chocoLit · 04/09/2016 20:45

I didn't speak to my Mum every day but often enough & I'd give anything for one more call

I spoke to Dad each day after she passed. It's 2yrs on Wed since he's away too.

I'm a very busy self employed business owner working ridiculous hours, have 3DC and a husband that works shifts. It was 5 minutes out my day. Which I miss. Every day.

Just saying.

pipnchops · 04/09/2016 20:49

OK, half the problem that I haven't mentioned is that often these calls frustrate the hell out of me. She tends to talk over me a lot and she doesn't really seem to listen to what I'm saying. Often I'll tell her I'm going to be out or busy the next day but she'll still ring and leave a worried message when I don't answer. She also tends to look on the negative side of things and moans about things that can't be changed which irritates me. She's very defensive if I disagree with her on anything and tonight is a prime example, she makes me feel like I'm being totally unreasonable if I tell her she's getting on my nerves. I love her and yes I know one day she won't be around and I'll miss her. I do love her, I just find her a bit much sometimes!

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