To think my son should have a room

[stickystick]

My ex has two homes. One he bought about a year ago, the other about ten years ago. His older three DC (21,18,14) by his ex wife each have a room of their own in both homes (as well as a room in their mother's house). They keep various books, clothes and other stuff in their rooms, as well as various other stuff floating around the house eg sports stuff, games, outdoor coats etc.

Our son is 3.5 and has never had a room in either home. He is allowed to keep two toys in the "playroom" of Home 1 because they aren't easily portable. He is not allowed to leave any clothes or toddler equipment eg small cutlery or a child loo seat. Although, I have recently stealthily left a small bag of toiletries for him (child toothbrush & paste) there so he has something to use when he stays over. He has to sleep in his half-sister's room (in a four poster bed) in Home 1, which isn't very suitable a) because he's only little & used to a cotbed and b) because it has a large low opening window with a 20ft drop beneath it.
In Home 2, he has nothing at all, but then he's never been invited to stay the night there so it's less of an issue.

I am not U enough to have made a Thing out of this before because I have up til now done virtually all the care of our son and therefore it makes sense most of his things are with me. Howeve as he's got older and needs less hands on care, his father feels he can better manage him on his own and so our son has started doing short 1-3 night sleepovers at Home 1 with a view to building up to being able to stay a week or two at a time.

I think it's time his father allocated a room to our son, which he could call his own and where he could leave a few items of clothing and books/toys and anything else his father doesn't want around the house.
It would probably mean one of the other children giving up one of their rooms, but the older two are at university now & the younger is at boarding school, and they do have two other bedrooms each elsewhere.

I have tried suggesting maybe now it's time for this but my ex won't countenance it. He says our son doesn't stay with him often enough to disrupt one of his other children. I think this is U?

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

I think he should have the 21 year old's room

[Bubblebloodypop]

He absolutely deserves a room. At the very least his own bed, own space for his clothes and toys.

[chocoLit]

21 & 18 should share a room when home from uni and yes the Wee one should have his own room AND his dad should be providing the toys/toiletries etc

[Pestilence13610]

You have checked the cutlery drawer and bathrooms!
Surely your Ds's father will just buy him a toothbrush and other bits.
21 yo will be leaving uni soon and hopefully setting off into their own life. He can then inherit their room.

[MrsS1980]

He should have a room in his dad's home and keep things there but why would he need a room in home 2? Is that not your ex's ex's home?

[RandomMess]

He is being awful to your DS but I wouldn't waste your breath.

What I would do is not provide anything for your DS to take with him and let his Dad sort that out...

[Cabrinha]

YABU for dragging Home 2 into it when he hasn't even been there!

What is this about building to staying with his father? This man has had 3 kids already, and then had 1 with you. Tell his father to grow the fuck up and just care for his son. I understand if you enabled this crap because you wanted more nights yourself though - I'd be the same.

I don't think a 3.5yo necessarily cares about having their own room. I think my (then 3.5yo) would have cared far less about part time having someone else's room, than a returning boarding /uni student back for large periods of time over the holiday.

Mine is 7 now and chooses to cosleep with me - isn't remotely interested in having her "own" space. So I think pick your battles - I bet you're more bothered than your son is.

But on battles, absolutely pick the safety battle. How much of a danger is the window you mention?

[OSETmum]

Can't he have the playroom as a bedroom?

[stickystick]

21 yo & 18 yo alas can't share because they are of different gender. DS currently sleeps in the 21 yos room in Home 1 when he stays there, because (so far) they have never coincided overnight. But he can't leave anything in it.

DS has been to Home 2 quite a few times. It's actually much nearer to me than Home 1, and would be easier for sleepovers, but he has never been invited to stay the night there & has no possessions there.

The ex's ex lives in her own house elsewhere (let's call it House 3!).

Playroom is at far end of the house on the ground floor. Might be OK for a teen but if DS woke in the night he would be completely on his own. More to the point, the family like using it as a TV room because there's a huge TV room and projector.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

That is awful. If your son was there all the time it would be considered neglect the way he's being treated.

By the time I was at uni I relinquished my bedroom to my brother and bedded down wherever there was space and a bed. The 21 year old doesn't need a room, especially not at the expense of a three year old.

[swisschocolate]

If your son was there all the time it would be considered neglect the way he's being treated.

In what way would a 3 year old sleeping in an empty bedroom that is used on other nights by an older sibling be considered neglect?

[WinterIsHereJon]

What were the arrangements when you were together?

[Cabrinha]

Odd language. Your son has never been "invited" to stay at Home 2?
Don't you just mean, his father hasn't chosen to do an overnight with him when he's been at that house?
Small children don't get "invited" to their father's second home.

I still think you're more bothered about this than a preschooler is likely to be.

Stop messing about with 1-3 nights "building up". Put proper regular agreed nights in place. Then it's up to his father whether it is House 1 or 2, and he'll soon start to have supplies of toys and "things" or his father will find he can't entertain / clothe him.

I have a suspicion that you are dropping child off with all clothes for the trip and some toys? If so, stop. Because if you are, that's prolonging the time when his father will be forced to sort things out for his own house. Or houses.

[chitofftheshovel]

I'm sorry but I don't really think you can dictate where your and your ex's son sleeps whilst he is with your ex.
So yanbu.

[BrillianaHarvey]

Don't underestimate how potentially unsettling the older children will have found the arrival of a much younger and needier sibling and their need for reassurance that their relationship with their father hasn't changed as a result. I know that 21 and 18 are technically adults, but they are likely to be more emotionally dependent on their parents than we might assume. Asking one of them to give up their room for their toddler sibling could be read (if they were minded to do so) as a sign that they were moving off their father's radar.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Can one of the older ones move in to the room that is used as a playroom then? So that your DS can have a room but not out of the way. I can't understand why your ex hasn't even considered that.

There has been so little thought for your DS

[t4nut]

He's your ex. Its not your house. Its not your decision to make.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I wouldn't have thought it was up to you. It's up to their father surely how he divvies the rooms up.

[Memoires]

I agree with Cabrinha. Stop making it easy for your ex. Set out contact and stick to it, don't send extra clothes, toiletries, toys etc - they'll get lost over there anyway if they're not ex's responsibility - and you'll just have to waste money constantly replacing them.

Your son is 3.5 and plenty old enough to staying for a week at his dad's; he knows the houses and situation more than well enough by the sounds of it to be able to do it without you now.

[stickystick]

we never lived together in either of these two homes. I had my own home when we met. We split up before DS was born. However I know both of his homes very well because until recently I had to accompany DS on all visits (because his father said he couldn't cope with a toddler on his own).

cabrinha there is nothing I would like more than to put regular agreed nights in place and I have made regular attempts to do so. But I can't get DS's father to even agree to regular daytime visits, let alone overnights. He says he cannot be tied down to anything because he's too busy.

I tried not sending toiletries but then he came back from a stay without having brushed his teeth in three days. As he has enamel dyplasia this isn't something I could just let pass. Maybe I should send him with no clothes or toys....it seems a bit cruel though.

[USbound]

Sounds horrible, but is visiting his father something your DS is going to enjoy/get something out of in the next few years when he's more aware if his father won't even buy him a toothbrush/want to be alone with him?

[AbernathysFringe]

The window bit is the bit that scares me. Please make sure it's secured. Just been reading the old stuff about Clapton's son. :'(
Personally think 3.5 is somewhat young to be spending a whole week alone with a man he has only really been around with his mum there too, even if it's his father. Wouldn't want him to be worried or confused. But that's me.

[YeOldMa]

When my DS split with his partner, his DS was one year old and the court ordered that my DS could have him on certain weekends. The Ex was furious he should be allowed to actually see his son and asked her solicitor if she had to send anything with him because she strongly objected to giving DS anything. The solicitor said she could hand him over with nothing if she wanted to because DS could buy what the baby needed but would recommend a clean nappy and a car seat. On that basis you can drop your child off and Dad will have to buy clothes to keep at his house but, providing he is offered adequate sleeping arrangements, you have no right to insist on a dedicated bedroom.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

This situation is bizzare.

Do his other children even know he exist?

[Blondieblondie]

For someone who has been a dad for 21 years, he sounds absolutely shit. Teeth not brushed for 3 days?? Is he married again or with a new partner?