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grandparents using a different name.

(98 Posts)
Graceflorrick Sun 04-Sep-16 17:26:35

Bit of background. My IL's are lovely people and treat their grandchildren equally in terms of presents, attention and love. As their DIL, MIL has always been wonderful and I can't praise her highly enough. However, we live further away than my SIL, so by default PIL spend more time with SIL's DC, babysit more etc. If we lived closer, there is no doubt in my mind they'd spend the same amount of time with my DC.

So having said all that there is one, very small issue. We had DC first and called grandparents by two names, think Grandma, Grandad. SIL then had DC and decided to use different names, think, Nanny and Bampy for example. Absolutely fine, not a problem. However, now the DC are older the grandparents refer to themselves as Nanny and Bampy, not the names my DC call them. In birthday cards instead of using the names my SdC call them, they sign the names SIL's DC use.

I'm worried that as my DC grow up they'll feel less worthy/ important to grandparents, because grandparents only use the names SIL's children use.

Now the AIBU. I've asked my DH to give his mum a call and just ask if it'd be OK to use the names my DC call them in cards, I've said he can explain that as they are heading towards learning to read, it'll be confusing for DC.

My (usually lovely) DH has become very angry and shouted at me. He's told me that he can't ask his parents any such thing and if I force the issue I'll cause a family rift. I feel really upset as I adore his parents, but I also don't want my DC to feel upset/ confused or less important.

Am I being an unreasonable jerk! Please be honest, I feel like I've lost perspective sadblush

MaidOfStars Sun 04-Sep-16 17:29:18

Don't grandparents get to choose what names they want to use? Did you ask their preferences when you had your children? Did SIL?

Graceflorrick Sun 04-Sep-16 17:30:27

We did have the conversation, they didn't mind. We chose ours, SIL chose the names for her DC.

Randytortoise Sun 04-Sep-16 17:31:19

Have you actually asked them what they want to be called? Both my parents and dh parents chose what they would like to be called.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 04-Sep-16 17:31:27

Why didn't they get to choose what they were called?

It sounds like they prefer the names SIL uses. Maybe they are the names they would have chosen. I'd slowly move your DC to using those names if you're concerned.

NewIdeasToday Sun 04-Sep-16 17:32:39

This is a complete non-issue. Your kids will cope very easily with these names provided you bring them up to be flexible.

Nanny0gg Sun 04-Sep-16 17:32:40

Maybe they prefer the 'cuter' names.

Is it really a problem? Bet your DC won't give it a second thought - or they'll start with the Nanny and Bampy.

Graceflorrick Sun 04-Sep-16 17:32:54

They didn't mind during initial discussions. Mine is 5 now so I fear it's too late to change the name she uses.

littlejeopardy Sun 04-Sep-16 17:33:20

YABU. Just teach your children the other names for Grandparents. This isn't something worth falling out over.

Ezzie29 Sun 04-Sep-16 17:34:07

I think now they have the names your SIL use, they probably have thought actually, we like that, and that's why they are using it. Tbh I would probably just use the names they've chosen since as people have said, that's usually the norm. They are the ones who have to answer to it after all.

Graceflorrick Sun 04-Sep-16 17:35:03

I'm not going to fall out with my lovely ILs, I'm pretty cross with my DH for shouting st me though blush

RaeSkywalker Sun 04-Sep-16 17:35:20

Just start using SILs names, sounds like they prefer them?

TendonQueen Sun 04-Sep-16 17:35:39

I'd go with moving over to the names they use - but I don't think your husband should have shouted about it, and I hope he isn't always like this about not saying anything to upset his parents.

Arfarfanarf Sun 04-Sep-16 17:35:57

You could just use the same names. It's not a rejection of your children in any way.

user1471443957 Sun 04-Sep-16 17:36:20

It's weird that they didn't choose their own names. I would also move your DC over to using the name the GP evidently prefer.

Arfarfanarf Sun 04-Sep-16 17:36:58

Yes I'd be cross too. Adults should not shout at each other!

TheBakeryQueen Sun 04-Sep-16 17:37:53

I think your worries are unfounded. They're just names, we use those types of names interchangeably, so it's sometimes 'Nanny X', 'Nan' 'Nanny with the black hair' etc etc
Can't see an issue with the situation you describe.

I'd leave it!

TheBakeryQueen Sun 04-Sep-16 17:38:32

They have lots of nans!

Optimist1 Sun 04-Sep-16 17:41:03

In my experience kids are very adaptable in regard to names. They know, for example that the woman they know as "Mummy" is also "Blodwen" to her friends. If an acquaintance asks if they're having a nice day out with their Granny but her "official" title is Nanna they don't get confused. Let it go, OP. Your DH shouldn't have shouted, but I feel he does have a point.

Trojanhorsebox Sun 04-Sep-16 17:41:50

If they see SIL's children more often, then they are using those names more and have probably just got used to them and don't want to use two sets of names. They may or may not prefer SIL's choice of names.

People can give me nicknames if they want, it doesn't obligate me to sign things using them, I use my preferred form of address for social or official purposes.

I wouldn't take it personally unless there's a backstory.

Laiste Sun 04-Sep-16 17:41:50

Ooh i'm on the fence about this one.

''I've asked my DH to give his mum a call and just ask if it'd be OK to use the names my DC call them in cards ... DH has become very angry and shouted at me. He's told me that he can't ask his parents any such thing''

Without being there it's hard to say if the way it panned out was to be expected or not. If my DH asked me to ring my mum and asked her to change the way she writes her name in our DDs card i'd refuse as well to be honest.

Weather or not i'd shout would depend on how hard he was insisting.

I do think it's a shame your ILs can't simply use the different names the kids are used to for their different sets of GC though. It's not that hard.

Boysnme Sun 04-Sep-16 17:42:07

this would annoy me. But mainly because I like grandma & grandad better than nanny and bampy and it would grate on my nerves every time they called them that. If it's only used in cards though I wouldn't bother about it. I would however also be annoyed at DH for shouting at me though!

MrsBobDylan Sun 04-Sep-16 17:46:50

I think your pil probably don't like having two different names and prefer sils. I think signing the cards as such is a way of telling you that.

It's not your fault and it's not a rejection of your dc. But I would try to get your kids to call them those names depending on their ages, if you can.

Fwiw, my dc1 couldn't say 'g' for the longest time so mum was nanny instead of her preferred granny. Then, by the time he could pronounce g's dc2 was calling her nanny and he has SNs so will never change! Now dc3 has joined in and they have all shorted it to MN's most hated 'Nan' grin

We have all given up, DM calls herself Granny as do her other GC and my kids resolutely ignore it.

Graceflorrick Sun 04-Sep-16 17:47:08

Boys, I do find the 'nanny and Bampy' a tad difficult. My own upbringing my was formal than his and I find it embarrassing to use slang terminology. Definitely my issue though, not theirs. I'm going to give some thought to using the other names, or even perhaps allowing DC to call them by their first names like I do. Perhaps that'll be a nice compromise?

They are wonderful people. I wouldn't argue with them over this smile

MiaowTheCat Sun 04-Sep-16 17:50:19

My in-laws did this (SIL can do no wrong and they've got minimal interest in our kids) but didn't even discuss with us names - just announced that they'd follow the SIL line.

It pisses me off, but it's low on my list of things that go on to be pissed off about really so I just let it roll and try to keep it to the level of mildly irked-dom.

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