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To want to visit my friend, not her and partner?

(77 Posts)
Laodicean Sat 03-Sep-16 21:47:34

I am planning a trip, 5 1/2 hours each way to visit my oldest friend.

I have booked a hotel so am not imposing.

She is very loved up with a newish boyfriend. I have been having a very hard time and would welcome some one t one time with her.

It seems she has planned the whole weekend to include her boyfriend, he s very nice, but I will need to be on best lovely cheery behaviour as opposed to actual chat with my friend.

I don't want to offend her, what should I do? AIBU?

Don't want any upset or disagreements. I am tempted to cancel whole thing, I have many good reasons to do so. WWYD?

I am feeling quite fragile, so don't be horrible!

Littlepeople12345 Sat 03-Sep-16 21:49:02

If she's that much of a friend then tell her how you feel.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 03-Sep-16 21:49:27

You do have to speak up, and tell her, though it will be nice to see her boyfriend, you are also looking forward to some time alone with her, to catch up and do girly things.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity Sat 03-Sep-16 21:49:31

Yanbu. Could you say to her that you'd like some time just the two of you?

tigerdriverII Sat 03-Sep-16 21:50:00

I'd cancel. I don't like having to entertain someone's DP when they're not the one I want to see. My friend's DH is like this, it drives me mad (and I can see my friend getting annoyed too).

donajimena Sat 03-Sep-16 21:50:34

Can you tell her you need some one to one time and arrange to spend part of the visit alone?

Laodicean Sat 03-Sep-16 21:51:13

I think she will take offence. None intended, he seems lovely, I just don't know him.

But if it seems reasonable will try that. I hate upset at the best of times, and can't cope with it now.

Dahlietta Sat 03-Sep-16 21:51:21

Can you compromise? Go along with the things planned during the day time, but ask her if you and she can go for a meal/drink one evening as you'd like to talk to her one to one?

JellyPlum Sat 03-Sep-16 21:52:32

No, it's not unreasonable of you at all. If she's really a good friend then I'd just tell her and hope that she would understand. Maybe agree to an activity or two to get to know the boyfriend better (one lunch together or something) but I wouldn't want the boyfriend there for every moment of meeting a friend either.

DeathStare Sat 03-Sep-16 21:53:26

Could you find a personal issue you would like to discuss with her? It would be hard for her to take offence because you don't want to discuss your gynae problems/relationship break up with her boyfriend.

fabulousathome Sat 03-Sep-16 21:54:29

As you've booked a room could you ask her if she'd like to have a sleepover with you? You'd then end up having breakfast at the hotel and having a chance to have a good chat all evening and in the morning.

hazeimcgee Sat 03-Sep-16 21:56:09

I thonk honesty - i'm looking forward to getting to know you oh better but i wondered if we could find some time just for the two of us - things are hard for me atm and i really need some time alone with my oldest friend

TheLegendOfBeans Sat 03-Sep-16 21:56:41


That would massively fuck me the fuck off.

hazeimcgee Sat 03-Sep-16 21:57:03

Ooh sleepover soubds awesome. Dinner on the eve then room for wine, sleep over then breakfast next day

RandomMess Sat 03-Sep-16 22:01:06

My other suggestion would be that you both meet half way for the day (you could offer to pay her costs). Can you phone her and blub and say that you really need to talk to her privately?

pictish Sat 03-Sep-16 22:20:27

Just tell her you've had a rough trot, you were looking forward to her friendly confidence and that you're not in the right frame of mind to spend the weekend playing cheerful gooseberry.

Laodicean Sat 03-Sep-16 22:22:01

She knows about a massive relationship thing I have, and I am worried she wants to avoid talking about it. I may be boring!

Because I know her well I think she will be fucked off with me for wanting to exclude the boyfriend, so am scared to suggest it.

I could, because of aforesaid problem, cancel with no reference to boyfriend issues, so is tempting, it's a long way to go to make polite conversation for the weekend and leave my dcs.

Laodicean Sat 03-Sep-16 22:23:11

pictish I like that, and she might take that.....

Am feeling bit shaky and like I don't want to cause upset

HarryPottersMagicWand Sat 03-Sep-16 22:23:23

YANBU. That sounds like a shit weekend and she should realise that you are travelling to see her not tag along with her and her bloody boyfriend all weekend.

pictish Sat 03-Sep-16 22:24:19

Does she tend to call the shots then?

Oblomov16 Sat 03-Sep-16 22:33:19

If you can't gently tell her, using some of the wording that previous posters have brilliantly suggested, then you are not really friends.

ConvincingLiar Sat 03-Sep-16 22:37:45

Can you tell her you're feeling a bit vulnerable and not up for being sociable for a whole weekend?

Lorelei76 Sat 03-Sep-16 22:41:17

I just posted that I don't make friends with these types. Tell her. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

Charley50 Sat 03-Sep-16 22:44:25

Just be honest. I don't see how she can be offended. Maybe because of you feeling fragile for other reasons you think she will react in a way which I'm sure she won't. (Sorry, long, wine)

CheerfulYank Sat 03-Sep-16 22:45:21

I would definitely tell her!

I have a friend that brings her husband to every sodding thing and I've stopped inviting her. Apparently he gets bored at home. hmm He's not five years old! When I want a chat with female friends, that's what I want. No husbands, no kids. I have my own DH and DC, they are not a novelty to me grin An uninterrupted talk and laugh with another woman, however, is rare.

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