About sending flowers!(4 Posts)
About two years ago my sister who lives abroad visited, let's call her Sue. Myself, another sister lets call her Ann and two friends went out for the night and were staying in a hotel. I had arranged the whole night, event, hotel stay etc.
So we were back in the hotel, sue was very drunk and she turned on me, brought up a 15 year old argument between Ann and I. Obviously Ann had spoken to her about this, Sue had never asked my side and totally by default decided Ann was right. she then hit me. She point blank refused to get out of my room, so I did the sensible thing and left and went home. The next day she left a voicemail on my landline, saying sorry, she could've called my mobile to discuss what happened but that was it. We didn't make up before she went back as I said I needed an explanation and she wasn't prepared to give one, she said she'd said sorry on voicemail and that was it!
So she retuned to her home country and very soon after fell into a dreadful bout of depression. Ann asked me to call Sue as she was so unwell. I did, she never mentioned that night and neither have I. I've maintained a "friendly" relationship since, but things are not the same by any means.
So it's a significant birthday coming up, Ann is visiting soon and said that we should all club together to get her a present. She's also saying you need to send the card now etc, I did point out I was an adult and know when and if I want to send a card.
Now she's just told me she's also sent flowers with MY name on as well!
I've already explained to Ann how I feel about Sue, I wouldn't be cruel but don't want to much involvement.
I feel pushed into just everyone deciding what I should do and not letting me make my own decisions. I was very badly hurt and everyone wants me to brush this under the carpet. I've sent a card, I just don't want to be "gushing".
Should I speak to Ann and ask her to stop forcing a relationship between me and Sue?
I think she was BU sending flowers without even asking my opinion! It's not the money, Ann would say "I'll pay then" it's the fact it's all giving the wrong impression.
Am I BU? X
No you're not. Ann needs to back off.
Tbh, the fight happened two years ago and the air should have been cleared by now (or alternatively, you should have cut ties completely if you feel this is appropriate as clearly Sue does not wish to go over this ground). Of course Sue was wrong to hit you and take sides without hearing your version of events but, by not confronting her about it properly, you've kind of decided by default that it wasn't worth making a fuss over so I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve. I'm afraid, from the rest of the family's POV, you may be perceived as just being petulant however unfair this conclusion might be and Ann obviously just wants everything to go back to "normal".
I don't know what you can do other than tell Sue that you didn't send her flowers and your reasons for that but that might be a bit OTT. Perhaps Ann is right and this olive branch, even though it wasn't offered by you, will lead to a friendlier relationship between you and Sue. I hope it all works out.
I have spoken to Ann not in depth, but to say my relationship with Sue won't be the same. I'm prepared to keep the peace. I feel that Ann knows that and has actually gone against my wishes knowingly. I do think she needs to back off and let me decide, when, if or how I send presents etc.
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