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Aibu regarding vegan (woman's) expectations?

(62 Posts)
TowerRavenSeven Fri 02-Sep-16 15:20:33

I know a lovely woman that I am in a group with, not a close friend more a member of a group of 25 women. She is vegan for moral reasons not medical.

We meet monthly and we are both on a committee within the group, the committee arranges food for the meetings and parties. On previous occasions I have brought vegan food so she could have something besides a salad (which she usually brings as her contribution) I honestly can't remember what I brought but it was 'mainstream', tasted good, etc. it went over poorly which I took with a grain of salt but then I noticed she didn't take what I had brought (I made a 'vegan' sign for it so it was clear) which I get, maybe she didn't care for it, but after a few attempts of it going over poorly with the group, her not taking it and me mostly eating it, I decided I was just going to bring what I wanted in the future.

Cue to a few days ago to the committee meeting. The main dish was decided, a pasta dish that can be made vegetarian and if the cheese taken off the top, vegan.

The group of women are older - I'm talking 60 and up - I'm the youngest by at least 15 years - and they are at a point they get a good prepared pasta dish and call it done. No one faffs around.

As we were sitting there the woman in question starts grousing about the choice because she can't eat it, "unless I pick off the cheese". She did not volunteer to bring a vegan version of the dish which would be quite easy to make but I think expected others to bring.

Aibu to think if you don't take the vegan food people brought, you either bring your own version of the main or at least make your salad contribution a hearty one that you can eat as your main instead of grousing because you have to alter the mains other people bring?

TowerRavenSeven Fri 02-Sep-16 15:22:38

Have to be clear when I brought the vegan options I brought different things so it wasn't like I kept bringing the same thing over and over!

oldlaundbooth Fri 02-Sep-16 15:23:43

So she didn't eat what you brought?

TowerRavenSeven Fri 02-Sep-16 15:24:59


LivingOnTheDancefloor Fri 02-Sep-16 15:25:30

YANBU in my opinion, especially as she didn't eat the previous vegan options (what did she eat, then?)

frikadela01 Fri 02-Sep-16 15:26:51

Yanbu. You've made an effort to accommodate her dietary needs and she hasnt eaten it. If she's that bothered she should bring her own.

AlpacaPicnic Fri 02-Sep-16 15:29:48

Picking off the cheese isn't exactly a difficult thing to do, but could a teeny bit be portioned off and cooked without cheese in one of those foil takeaway containers then the main portion be with lashings of delicious cheese? Would that stop the complaining?

TowerRavenSeven Fri 02-Sep-16 15:29:53

Living she ate a green salad she brought and some fruit.

Whingysquirrel Fri 02-Sep-16 15:30:04


Even if she didnt' like what you had brought she should have been grateful you made the effort. If she's the only vegan in the group she should bring a vegan dish herself.

I'm a vegan. In this scenario I would bring something for myself that I thought others would like too.

MrsJoeyMaynard Fri 02-Sep-16 15:31:12

Did you point out to her that, when you had brought vegan food previously, she'd not eaten any?

TowerRavenSeven Fri 02-Sep-16 15:35:02

Alpaca the mains are going to be those large Costco type pans which are brought frozen. The other suggestion was sandwiches but that's (imo) even harder to make vegan if you are just talking meat and cheese and a few veggies. So I agreed with the pasta suggestion so we all could at least have something hot.

MLGs Fri 02-Sep-16 15:35:49

Maybe she could bring the vegan main dish she wants, someone else could bring a salad and a third person the pasta dish.

johnthepong Fri 02-Sep-16 15:38:33

You know that pasta isn't vegan so taking the cheese off the top won't make it vegan?

EttaJ Fri 02-Sep-16 15:39:24

Two sides. She should have brought something with her. But being told or expected to just ,,"pick the cheese off "is really not on. It's like a meme I see often , of putting shit on a pizza and saying oh but you can pick it off right.

I'm vegan, have been for very long time and I supply my own food where necessary and I am more than happy to do so and often find people asking to try it. But being told to pick stuff off is not acceptable. If she had an allergy would you expect her to pick it off ? Why not have a bowl of cheese for people to put on their own if they want cheese?

EttaJ Fri 02-Sep-16 15:40:15

john most dried boxed pasta is vegan, fresh pasta isn't.

AlpacaPicnic Fri 02-Sep-16 15:40:24

Oh, I thought someone might be making it from scratch. Oh well then, I'd say no special effort from you is required. She can pick off cheese. It's not rocket surgery.

PurpleDaisies Fri 02-Sep-16 15:41:41

You know that pasta isn't vegan so taking the cheese off the top won't make it vegan?

Most dried pasta is vegan. Fresh pasta almost invariably isn't.

It's always a good idea to check the ingredients though.

TowerRavenSeven Fri 02-Sep-16 15:41:41

Mrs. Joey no I didn't because it seemed impolite. I don't know really what she likes, but at buffets I take what I like and I would expect others to as well, vegans included, so would not question her choices, just wouldn't want to put her on the spot like that.

I get the feeling she is not only a vegan but a picky eater, which again is fine but then bring what you like and can eat, not expect others to bring it and grouse when they don't.

Blueshoessingloose Fri 02-Sep-16 15:41:43

Isn't reasonable to expect a vegan to eat food that has been cooked in or covered with animal products but it's her responsibility to foresee that others are not going to accommodate her and bring her own food.

Most shop bought dried pasta is vegan i.e. no egg just wheat.

TowerRavenSeven Fri 02-Sep-16 15:43:44

By her saying she could take the cheese off I inferred she ate pasta.

BalloonSlayer Fri 02-Sep-16 15:46:05

But taking off the top is not acceptable if you don't want to eat animal products.

DH is not a vegan but a strict vegetarian. There's no way he would eat something that had had meat in and just pick out the meat. He would see it is contaminated.

Having said that I have a DC with food allergies and, while it can be embarrassing if someone goes to all the bother of making him something he can eat that he then doesn't want to because he doesn't like the look of it, I am always grateful that people try AND ALSO I always bring something for him, I don't just expect people to cater for him.

ScarletOverkill Fri 02-Sep-16 15:48:29

I don't think expecting her to pick the cheese off of the dish is reasonable.
The cheese would have melted down into the pasta.
She is being unreasonable though by not bringing food with her

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Fri 02-Sep-16 15:51:07

I'm vegan and wouldn't eat something that had "the cheese picked off" so YABU on that front.

However, she sounds pretty high maintenance (unless what you brought wasn't actually vegan - are you absolutely certain it was?) I think you should straight out ask her if she would rather bring her own food , or whether she wants to be included in the committee meals?

shrunkenhead Fri 02-Sep-16 15:56:01

She's probably happy just eating her salad that way she knows exactly what she's eating. Some people use veganism to hide foood issues/eds (not necessarily the case, but just saying....)

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