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To wish he would just go to work?

(190 Posts)
vvviola Fri 02-Sep-16 13:20:21

I'm off work this week to settle DC into school (DD2 starting school, and lots of short introductory days).

I've had the week booked off work for months.

The plan was: Monday, Tuesday - get all the last minute bits and pieces done, Wednesday, first short day at school, Thursday, while DC at school run around doing the few bits that we discovered we had forgotten, Friday, spend the few hours DD2 is at school having a little bit of time to myself.

I'm an introvert, we've had a busy few months, and I've just come out of a stressful work situation. I was really looking forward to the two hours on Wednesday and today to just sit somewhere quietly on my own and maybe read a book.

Last week, DH announces he's taking Wednesday off to help bring the DC to school. Fair enough, he wants to bring DD2 in on her first day. The rest of the day is spent discussing house renovation stuff, but I still had today.

Except last night he announces he's "working from home" today. And again, during those couple of hours free wants to take me out for coffee and discuss stuff. Now that DD is home he has taken over the living room with his laptop.

I have literally not been alone for more time than it takes me to go to the toilet since Friday afternoon.

He always does it. I took the day off on my birthday. (I had stuff that needed to be done/signed and I thought I could spend a bit of time pottering about the house). The night before he announces he wants to take me out for lunch so he's working from home.

I get it, it's lovely, he wants to spend time with me. But I never get time alone in the house, it's either him or the kids.

I've told him I need time on my own, but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

AIBU to wish he'd just let me have a day off work and go into work himself when he's meant to?!

(I'm now off to clean the kitchen cupboards because if I sit down somewhere DD2 will climb on me, and I'm all talked/touched out for now. At least if I'm cleaning something she might potter off and play. This was my last day off before Christmas sad)

Have you explained this to him? He thinks he is doing a good thing so he will carry on doing it until you tell him how you feel. You do have my sympathies. Sometimes I just need to be by myself for a bit too.

Spiderpigspiderpig Fri 02-Sep-16 13:25:46

Yanbu. I get it. My dh works away and honestly, if he had a normal 9-5 job and was home every eve & weekend I would struggle as, although I love spending time with him I also like time to myself. To potter, sit, be silent & not feel guilty.

NoCapes Fri 02-Sep-16 13:27:01

Book a day off at some point and don't tell him
Is he quite needy? Everybody needs to be alone sometimes

80sWaistcoat Fri 02-Sep-16 13:27:41

Totally get it - really look forward to having a day off on my own in the house or time at the weekend or if DH out in the evening. He doesn't go out enough.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:28:26

When I had my ds a month prem my dh was made redundant. He decided to take a year off before getting a new job!! shock. So I feel your pain but be glad it's not another 364 days to go before he goes back!!

MLGs Fri 02-Sep-16 13:28:59

Classic introvert/extrovert thing.

You need to be really clear that your "alone time" is as valid as any other arranged activity. Dont let him hijack it.

He,of course, needs to be understanding about it. Not your job to make him considerate,, but maybe get him a book about being an introvert.

The world is basically set up for extroverts and larks!

pauldacreshairlessnutsack Fri 02-Sep-16 13:29:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vvviola Fri 02-Sep-16 13:33:46

No he's not needy NoCapes, I guess he's just an extrovert. He likes being around people, and doesn't get that I need the recharge time alone (he says he understands when I explain it, but I don't think he gets it)

But Paul I want to be at home. I'm out of the house a lot during the week and then there's the usual evening chaos, and weekend running around with the DC. I just want to spend time in my house, on my own.

Arfarfanarf Fri 02-Sep-16 13:34:05

How did you tell him? Because clearly it's not sunk in. Maybe try a different way. Perhaps ask him something like why do you find it impossible to allow me any space?

Ask him to explain why he does this and why he doesnt care that you would like some time alone.

I bet if you unpick it he wants to be with you yes which is great but also i bet he sees you wanting some time alone as you not wanting to be with him. A rejection of him. Or he just doesnt want you to have free/alone time for some reason.

If telling him how you feel isnt making him care/understand/respect your position then perhaps challenging him to justify his might get through.

Failing that dont tell him you've taken a day off. Until afterwards. Then explain that since he wont respect your need to just peacefully chill out, this is what yyou're reduced to and isnt it sad...

Does he have any free time? Hobbies?

There is an element of control involved in trying to direct and monopolise all of someone's time. He needs to understand that.

vvviola Fri 02-Sep-16 13:36:20

I tried to get him to take up a sport with DD1 (they are both keen), that would take them out of the house until after DD2's bedtime one night a week. So at least I'd have a guaranteed half hour or so to myself although I'd probably just end up using it to do the ironing or something Bloody organiser hasn't responded to him, so it looks like that won't be happening either.

ijustwannadance Fri 02-Sep-16 13:41:19

So when he says he wants to go for a coffee and discuss stuff, why can't you say no?

pauldacreshairlessnutsack Fri 02-Sep-16 13:41:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hotwaterbottle1 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:46:43

I've sneakily booked 2 days annual leave and not told anyone, just to get some me time!

Arfarfanarf Fri 02-Sep-16 13:48:40

I think basically extroverts are very needy. They have to be taking other people's time and energy and dont seem to be able to understand/respect someone ekses need or desire to be alone. It's like they dont know how to enjoy their own company they exist in this state of dependence on others and it's introverts who people think have a problem!

princessmi12 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:50:35

OP you sound like my OH,it's interesting to hear the complaints being raised and frustration aired. He's an introvert and we have similar issues and I feel he's ungrateful unloving person and doesn't deserve all the effort I make.
Also PP next time he tries to cut into your alone time, you will stick on some headphones and pretend he is not there. It's so rude on so many levels!

SpookyPotato Fri 02-Sep-16 13:52:27

He needs to respect your personal space. DP works from home and I'm a SAHM so we're always together, but give each other space so we can be alone at various times during the day. I'm an introvert so you'd think being home together would be draining for me but it's not because we leave each other alone. You need to be firm and say No because just explaining isn't helping. Also don't tell him when you've booked days off!

Geraniumred Fri 02-Sep-16 13:53:23

Tell him. Otherwise you will get tired and grumpy. I like going out to see a film by myself to recharge.

PageStillNotFound404 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:54:45

It's so rude on so many levels!

So is not respecting the OP's very valid need - not want, or whim, it is a need - to have some time alone in her own house once in a while, despite her having tried to tell him previously.

vvviola Fri 02-Sep-16 13:55:46

So when he says he wants to go for a coffee and discuss stuff, why can't you say no?

Because then he'd just be at home anyway, pottering about, not letting me have my time to myself. Agreeing to go out, when that is the alternative, is the better of two evils. At least we get things done/agreed on, and I can keep my irritation down.

Geraniumred Fri 02-Sep-16 13:56:29

And sometimes I have very long showers.

PageStillNotFound404 Fri 02-Sep-16 13:59:38

Do you have a decent-sized bath, OP? Can you take yourself off for a bath with a cheap paperback (so it doesn't matter if it gets a bit wet) and lock the bathroom door on the rest of them for an hour?

vvviola Fri 02-Sep-16 14:00:32

Princess, I can assure I'm neither ungrateful nor unloving. I just like to be alone sometimes, and with two young children, a full time job and a busy schedule, the chances are few and far between.

And I really don't mind if circumstances mean I can't be on my own. I'll sometimes stay up late in the evening if I really need to. It's when I think I've created time to be alone, and it gets taken away from me, that I struggle.

And for the suggestions of "just take a day off and don't tell him". Annual leave is pretty thin on the ground, we mainly save it for covering the school holidays, so chances are I won't have another day to take between now and Christmas (which isn't exactly the most relaxing time of year for an introvert!)

princessmi12 Fri 02-Sep-16 14:00:50

to have some time alone in her own house once in a while
The issue is it's not JUST HER own house ,what others supposed to do? Just disappear when OP gets into moods? The other party might as well be frustrated ,not just OP.

QuimReaper Fri 02-Sep-16 14:02:28

Oh OP I really really get this.

DH just will not leave me the hell alone when we're both at home, I actually have my own room with my desk in it and he just storms in constantly to tell me anecdotes about the cats, grab at me, read over my shoulder, etc. I have to be so firm with him to get him to give me some sodding peace and not interrupt my concentration every ten seconds. (Then sometimes he gets the message and creeps in with a cup of tea and leaves it on my desk for me. He's learning grin )

Trying to read in the same room as him is impossible, because when there's somebody else in the room he feels the need to verbalise an irrelevant thought every minute or so. I end up going and sitting on the bed with my book and then he trails in all hurt going "why have you left the room?"


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