AIBU to want some help with 14month old and new baby(36 Posts)
This week my DH has gone back to work for the first time since DD2 was born (4 weeks ago). While he was off I did all the night feeds and most of the day time, got both children to sleep etc. But he was there to look after one while I attended to the other (most of the time) and get some bottles etc. Now he has gone back to work he has agreed to do 8 consecutive days (he is gone for 13 hours each day). Now on what is due to be his first day off he has agreed to go and do some jobs for his mother. AIBU to be annoyed about this as I was looking forward to having a bit of help for the day and now won't have any for another 5 days after that. He does not see that this is a problem and I now feel like a bad mum for wanting the help with them?
YANBU mine were born 13 months apart and for at least the first year you need all the help you can get
Wow! You are definitely not being unreasonable. I'm 9 months pregnant and we have a 16 month old I expect my OH to help and prioritise us. I would be fuming if he helped his mother instead of me. Tbh he does sound like he's shirking a little bit. I expect my OH to help with night feeds while he's off and once back at work he will give me Friday night off (we did this with first baby and I loved it!), in other words, I go to bed and he has baby sleep in other room with him so I sleep the whole night. At the weekends we take it in turns for night feeds.
You are most definitely NOT a bad mum! Looking after a newborn is relentless and exhausting. You DESERVE to have help. There isn't any other job where you would be expected to work 24/7 without any breaks.
If you get on well with his mother then I would have a chat with her and drop in to conversation how much you need us help at home. If she's any kind of a mother or MIL she should tell him to stay t home and forget her odd jobs.
Dh should take your older dc to his mum's with him. My dh had to do this when in a similar situation. Dm gets her work done, but between them they have to watch dc.
Consider paying for a couple of mornings or afternoons of nursery; it really helped me when dh was working constantly.
Firstly, sorry if this seems harsh, you must be having a really hard time right now and I hope things get better soon.
Of course YANBU to want/need help but a few things jump out of your OP.
He's already been off for 4 weeks and done little more than some light babysitting!
Baby is bottle fed yet you have done 100% of feeds/wake ups during this time - why wasn't he taking a turn?
It was paternity/parental leave not a holiday. The problem is the time has been and gone to raise this. Now he's back at work doing 13 hour days it's understandable that you would be doing the brunt of childcare and sleepless nights. But you should have just had an easier month with full time help to prepare!
The mother thing is just a distraction here, although clearly the straw that broke the camels back for you. You are completely right about it, he should be prioritising time at home, but because you have 'gone along' with the way things were so far I don't think he sees this. Perhaps he thinks you're coping just fine.
Impossible to know from this if he's just thoughtless or there's more to it than that. It's hard to think rationally when you are so tired. Try to have a sit down together and discuss what you both need? Spell out calmly to him why the mother thing upset you so much. And perhaps tell him other fathers do a LOT more on paternity leave (if you can do that without an argument).
"Dh should take your older dc to his mum's with him. My dh had to do this when in a similar situation. Dm gets her work done, but between them they have to watch dc."
Absolutely this. Your husband is being utterly unfair and his mother should be made aware too.
Agree he takes your toddler with him to Grandma to 'help'
YABU to expect 'help'. You're not asking your DH to pitch in with some annoying project that you started on your own. If you behaved the way he does the children would die. Does he not realise he's a father? Or is he just not bothered?
He shouldn't be 'helping' you, he should be looking after his children!!
YANBU. He is being inconsiderate and so is his mother, why would she even ask at the moment. If he insists on going then as a pp has said I'd make sure toddler goes with him to visit Grandma.
I didn't have help with the same age gap and a c section BUT I had super easy baby and toddler. Any combination of my other babies and I would have struggled
What about local colleges running care courses? They sometimes need placements.
You can kindly ask him to be as quick about it as possible so that he can help you out some on that day too.
Ahhhhh the bit about his mother??
Wow. Both are dreadful. It's like she's asked on purpose in a "my son" way and he's just weird for agreeing.
you have to tell him he cannot do it, no question, no.
I agree with pp - if he feels that he really has to go do some jobs for his mum, he should be taking the older DC along with him.
Insists? Kindly ask?
This is your husband not your boss.
Perhaps I run my home differently. But if my husband was this thoughtless he would be told not asked.
How many mothers with 4 week old babies have to be asked to look after them I wonder?
I have a 15 mths gap between mine. Totally agree that he should take toddler with him. Mil gets toddler time and her jobs done, he gets to help his mum, you get new baby snuggles. Everyone's a winner.
If this isn't possible (eg we struggle to transport toddler outside nap time as if she's not asleep she's sick) then IMO he shouldn't go.
Yanbu. I had a 2 year age gap and could not have coped in your situation. Helping out family is a lovely idea but with his working hours and young family, he's not in a position to offer.
Taking older dc to his mum's is a good idea if your dd is relatively easy. When my dd was that age it was quite hard to get anything done as she never sat still.
I hope you get the support you need - you must talk to dp.
Depends on what he is doing for him mum and why, whether she has alternatives etc. Can you all go over there? Is she very ill or something?
I've found the easiest way to solve this situation long term is to have a morning out, for example. Probably not much longer with such a young baby, but enough for him to sample your reality. My dh was on the phone telling me he doesn't know how I do it etc etc. He's been very considerate of me since. On the other hand, friend's dh tells her it's easy and she must be doing something wrong .
OP YANBU at all. I had an 11 month gap, and a 7 year old, DP works 13-16 hour shifts and often worked away and it was knackering! His days off are sacred, if family/friends need help he will do it but will take some of the kids to spend time with them and to give me a break to do what I need to do. Why is his mum not offering to help?
Unless the jobs for his Mum are of a critical nature, can't possibly be but off and there is no one else who can do them, then helping you with the DC should absolutely be his priority!
Tell him to take the older child with him - his mum can look after that DC while you focus on baby.
Agree with Bagina I started back in full time work when my DD was 11 months old, OH left home at 6am so I had to get myself and DD ready before I left for work and get her to grandparents, I would be home first so had to do dinner, bath, bed etc before OH got home around 7.30/8pm. I cracked in the end and told him he needed to do more, it wasn't fair that I was also working full time, paying half the bills etc and doing all the day to day running of the house and childcare. He left his job (he's self employed) and said he would be a SAHP for a few months to give me a chance to settle back in to work......he lasted 2 weeks!!! After 2 weeks he said he couldn't cope being home all day looking after a very lively 12 month old! Irony is during his 2 weeks off all they did was go to the park for walks, look round the shops, they were never at home! He didn't do any housework, food shopping etc.... I think a lot of men 'choose' not to see how hard it is.
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