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to think DP should enable me to have a life now DC is at school?

(101 Posts)
mendimoo Thu 01-Sep-16 22:54:53

I have been home schooling DS who has high functioning autism but this year he will be starting school (going into year 3.) We have 2 year old DD and DP works four days on three days off. I was hoping that on his days off I could go to the gym while DD naps and he looked most put out and said he'd thought we'd be spending time together [in bed]. I haven't had a moment to myself pretty much since DS was born and the thought of getting DD to sleep only to have to go and entertain DP and keep him happy pisses me off. I just want a bit of time and space for me.

When DD starts school I plan to do my PGCE because I've always wanted to be a primary teacher. My friend works at DS' new school and she has offered that I can go in and help in her class any day I'm free (when DP is off to have DD) so I'll have lots of experience before my training to be a teacher. The school offers placements for trainee teachers which could then turn into a job at my DCs school which is a ten mins walk from home - it could work out perfectly. DP is not keen. He is sulking saying he thought DS starting school would mean he'd see more of me, not that I'd use him as a baby sitter while I go off gallavanting leaving him without any down time.

I think he is BU because he goes to the gym on each of his four work days and because the teaching experience is beneficial for our future finances, never mind the babysitting comment. Even with two hours at the gym and three hours helping at school that's still a lot of the day together. AIBU to think he should be willing to enable me to have a life and that he's being selfish to expect me to just spend his days off with him and never have time to myself or do anything for myself?

MissElizaBennettsBookmark Thu 01-Sep-16 22:57:42

Clearly YANBU!!!

Does your DH think you don't need a life outside the home?

RunningLulu Thu 01-Sep-16 22:57:51

YANBU. He is being really selfish. Don't ask him next time just leave early in the morning for the gym, and force him to take care of the kids. Some men just take the piss.

NapQueen Thu 01-Sep-16 22:58:45

"Use him as a babysitter" - he knows these are his kids right?

cansu Thu 01-Sep-16 23:00:53

Really you have to prioritise yourself. Tell him clearly that you want to do these things and that you intend to do them. I have quite a selfish partner and am slowly learning that I need to be very clear and blunt about what I will be doing when I have any free time. If he starts moaning ask him to stop doing his gym visits etc so that he is home with you and the children.

ImperialBlether Thu 01-Sep-16 23:01:56

What a selfish man he is.

Tell him you'll go to bed with him while the baby naps as long as you go to the gym four times a week when he normally goes.

Pilgit Thu 01-Sep-16 23:02:02

No one baby sits their own children. And of course he should enable you to do what you want. He's being a tit. Is he normally like this?

MariposaUno Thu 01-Sep-16 23:03:05

Yadnbu! When is your downtime? He is being selfish and has probably got used to you being in a certain position, looking after kids/at home 24/7 and not doing anything for yourself.

Do what you want op 1 day out of his 3 off isn't much to ask at all even a few hours on every of those days isnt a big ask, And he certainly isn't babysitting he is parenting.

You will probably be less inclined to spend time with him on his days off if you don't get this time to yourself and the possibility to have a career.

VimFuego101 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:03:38

YANBU, you should both get some time to yourselves to relax/ go to the gym. He sounds very selfish.

OrsonWellsHat Thu 01-Sep-16 23:06:27

Yanbu, what a selfish prick.

OhTheRoses Thu 01-Sep-16 23:08:56

Can't imagine a life where dp has three days off for every four worked.

You need some time for you. But why go to the gym when DD naps. Go when she is awake - then dh might just want a nap when she naps and you can read quietly and disappointedly at his side.

Euphemia Thu 01-Sep-16 23:09:16

Selfish arse. angry

JudyCoolibar Thu 01-Sep-16 23:18:23

Absolutely go to the gym whilst DD is awake! It would be wrong to deprive your DP of the opportunity to bond with his daughter grin

gillybeanz Thu 01-Sep-16 23:18:26

Just tell him if he wants to get you into bed he has to give you the time you need to be you, away from the home.
If he is at home you should be sharing much of the domestic responsibility including parenting.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge Thu 01-Sep-16 23:22:34

Taking some time for yourself is NOT selfish but necessary. It's not like you want to spend every second of every day away from him. He is being a selfish arse.

DontMindMe1 Thu 01-Sep-16 23:27:56

is he a twat in other ways as well or just this?

why don't you TELL him that you are now going to focus on YOUR career OUTSIDE the home. You've been doing a full time job-for free- home schooling whilst he was out at work. Teachers get paid to teach children but you didn't receive a wage of your own.

TELL him that you are also going to get the equivalent time to spend on your hobbies - just like he does.

Either you divvy up things 50/50 whatever works for you or admit there's no 'partnership' here.

he's a shit for using the 'want to see/shag' you excuse to manipulate you into doing his bidding.

i would organise my own stuff, tell him he'll be looking after the dc on X days - and then go off and do your thing. If he starts doing things which result in you setting off late etc then he's just upping his game with other tactics.

OR.......if he wants to treat you like his 'mistress' and housekeeper/nanny then why not present him with a bill for the 'services' he expects to receive by you staying at home? You know - housekeeping, cleaning, cooking, P.A, childcare......and for the 'extra' shags he's thinking about. After all, if YOUR independence is to be sacrificed yet again for the 'greater good' then it's only 'fair' YOU get to decide what price it comes at.

Personally, i'd tell him to stop acting like a twat and accept that things are going to change.

mendimoo Thu 01-Sep-16 23:29:58

I literally haven't even had a bath alone in the seven years since DS was born. I think DP feels put out because I have never complained about being restricted by the kids but as soon as there's an opportunity to get away from him, I'm taking it. I think he's hoping I'll fall pregnant and be stuck at home for another five years. Don't get me wrong - I love my DC but I will have to work one day and I would enjoy volunteering at school so letting this opportunity slip would be stupid, right?

AnyFucker Thu 01-Sep-16 23:36:49

Christ, how are you still even sexually attracted to this pick ?

AnyFucker Thu 01-Sep-16 23:37:06


JellyBelli Thu 01-Sep-16 23:39:32

'Sulking' and 'babysitter', thats 2 red flags right there.
Are you barefoot and chained to a kitchen sink?

LittleDittyAbout Thu 01-Sep-16 23:40:56

I would vomit on this man if I had to have sex with him. Get the fuck out.

LiveLifeWithPassion Thu 01-Sep-16 23:42:10

How can he not understand that you need time to yourself??

Op you actually sound quite sure of yourself so you just go ahead and make your plans work. Good luck!

mendimoo Thu 01-Sep-16 23:43:02

I am feeling like he's increasingly twattish recently. Monday was his first day off this week and we'd planned to go to a theme park. He'd been saying all week that he was looking forward to it. The day before I packed rain coats, sun cream, nappy bags etc and went food shopping for the picnic and all school stuff with both kids while he worked for five hours then went to the gym for three. He asked what time we should leave and I said 8.30 because the theme park is 1.5 hours away.

I got up at 6.45 with DD after having been up with her twice for 45 minutes each time during the night, and once for two hours with DS so I'd had around 4 hours sleep. I made the DC breakfast, showered and dressed the three of us and made the picnic. DP rolled out of bed at 8.20 and sat drinking coffee and reading the news on his tablet for half hour. By 9 I got impatient and asked if he was planning on coming because DD was tired and he told me to give him a break because it's his day off hmm I reminded him that it was his idea to go on this day and that it wouldn't be worth it if we didn't leave soon. He was eventually ready at 9.45 and so it was almost lunch time by the time we got there.

He was grumpy all day because the DC didn't want to go on rides with him then when we arrived home at 9 pm I unpacked the bags and got DC ready for bed. I took DS up (he has a complicated routine because of his ASD) and when I returned DD was sitting watching tv while DP was asleep on the sofa! When he woke up he grumbled about how I deal better with lack of sleep than him and took himself off to bed.

HelenaDove Thu 01-Sep-16 23:44:37

Hes a lazy selfish sexist entitled prick.

JellyBelli Thu 01-Sep-16 23:45:20

Three hours at the gym. Three hours.
Then expects you all to be on Best Behaviour when he wants it...

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