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To feel differently towards my in laws...

(68 Posts)
IAmAWickedDIL Thu 01-Sep-16 19:46:34

... They haven't even done anything differently. The difference is me.

Have name changed, because i could get my arse handed to me.

My in laws are good people. They have their quirks (daily mail regurgitators) which infuriates us, dh is quite a different person to his family, and I am similar to him.

But they are kind to me and our Dc's and we have always got along well. They are a bit high maintenance with some blow-you-away opinions (daily mail again), but no rifts or major family dramas. They do a lot to make me feel like family and I do the same for them. We get along. That's the background.

What has changed is my dm died 6 months ago. My dad died when I was tiny. You would think this would make me appreciate my parents in law more, but it's the opposite. They bother me more. It doesn't make sense. It's not even real things I'm irritated by, it's petty, I'll give examples...

* MIL has expressed incredulity that a friend of hers lost her mum a few months ago but you wouldn't know it, because she acts completely normal. It should have been an innocent comment to me, but I've felt judged by it. Her own adult dd is very emotionally demonstrative and they do a lot of psychoanalysis and reassurance and picking feelings apart together, but it's not me at all. I wouldnt show my naked body to the world, I can't show my naked emotions either. I can talk about them but not as entertainment over tea

* FIL believes his spoken words enrapture women with their wisdom. He often starts a conversation by saying a sentence consisting of a single noun, such as "circular saw!!" He will then stop, look at me pointedly saying nothing more and the way it's supposed to go is I look intrigued and pleasantly confused and then coax the rest from him, listening and agreeing to his monologue. He doesn't do this to males. I can't do it! I have always managed to diplomatically avoid this role play but I'm worried now my irritation is obvious.

There's more but I'm already feeling guilty writing down the above.

I hope this isn't permanent, Its not the kind of person I want to be. But I'm even thinking unpleasant judgments about mil's cooking. mines so much better

Crap, I'm a bad dil aren't I?

IAmAWickedDIL Thu 01-Sep-16 20:50:31

Shameful bump

7to25 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:55:57

Many years ago my friend died aged 35 leaving 3 young children. At the funeral I felt homicidal towards her granny:
Why her and not have had your life!
Is it anything like that?
The wrong one died?

thescruffiestgiantintown Thu 01-Sep-16 20:56:32

You're just missing your Mum, that's all. flowers

Osirus Thu 01-Sep-16 20:56:46

A different life event has made me feel like this about my DP's mother (first baby). I am not sure why but she really irritates me. I think it may be down to some judgemental comments she made about me wanting to give the baby my surname. Now everything annoys me! It's irrational but I can't help it.

Andro Thu 01-Sep-16 20:56:57

You're not a crap dil, you're grieving the loss of your mum - be kind to your self.

Your fil's monologue antics are a little odd to say the least, I'd have lost patience with it rapidly in the circumstances you have described.

I'm sure as you come to terms with your dm's death you'll get some of your tolerance back, it just takes time.

Nocabbageinmyeye Thu 01-Sep-16 20:57:02

Sorry for your loss op flowers

Yanbu, even lovely welcoming people can be irritating from time to time, that's perfectly fine and your fil in particular does sound a little annoying, I'm sure your irritation isn't as obvious as you might think, your not a bad dil

MothersGrim Thu 01-Sep-16 20:57:37

Actually, I think you're just grieving. It's not fair your parents have died. And it's not fair that there is another Mum and another Dad being around your family when they're just wrong

It seems almost a bitterness to me, but entirely normal I would think. Grief is a process that never really ends sad It sounds like you're doing really well and if the worst of your behaviour is to sneer at your Mother in laws cooking then I think you've done pretty well wine

No doubt your cooking is far superior! Have a bitch, you'll feel better

Rumpelstiltskin143 Thu 01-Sep-16 20:57:53

Tell MIL that not everyone is a drama queen and when FIL comes out with another "circular saw" just say "stupid statement" and walk away.

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater Thu 01-Sep-16 20:58:07

You are not a crap DIL. I haven't been in this position but I can totally understand that the loss of your mum has stirred up a lot of emotion for you. I'd suggest this is a temporary reaction & part of working through your grief.

I hope someone else will be able to give more help soon


Osirus Thu 01-Sep-16 20:58:09

I'd definitely feel the same towards the as you do if I lost my mother. I'm sure that it is because you miss her. I'm really sorry she's gone.

IAmAWickedDIL Thu 01-Sep-16 21:02:32

Thank you for not pointing out how catty and petty I am. It was quite nice actually brain dumping some of my irrational annoyances.

I really hope I'm not bitter that my mum is gone but mil is still here. I hope that's not it.

Are you irritated by your in laws idiosyncrasies?

CinderellaFant Thu 01-Sep-16 21:02:51

My DH does the 'circular saw' thing too! It's the most infuriating thing ever- now when he does it I just say 'tell me the fucking story properly or don't tell me at all.' I appreciate you can't say that to your father in law.

These things are just getting to you because you miss your mum. Totally understandable flowers

Bitofacow Thu 01-Sep-16 21:03:40

My FIL is a very distant (emotionally) grandparent.
After my dad died my FIL phoned up and said "hello it's Grandad" I cried for days because my dc's real grandad was dead.

IAmA your reaction is entirely understandable to me. I recognise where you are. The strength of the emotion fades but it is always there. Hold in there.

Farmmummy Thu 01-Sep-16 21:06:39

You aren't a wicked dUghter in law! Sorry loved your name change but I do understand your feelings and agree with pp it probably is because of losing your DM. I found my tolerance levels changed dramatically after losing twins (not comparing to your situation just trying to explain) and what would have been mildly irritating I just can't/don't tolerate unless it really impacts DH or DC (and then to my shame usually it shows on my face apparently) . Part of it is a kind of life is to short for this and part of it is an inner emotion that I just can't really express. DH alternates between exasperation and delight he uses me as his Rottweiler for situations he doesn't like or can't handle.

ToastDemon Thu 01-Sep-16 21:07:15

OP it does sound like grief. We recently attended my FIL's 70th birthday do. I was in bits that morning - my dad died very suddenly just before his 70th, and all I could think of was the already wrapped presents he never got to unwrap.
I felt so bloody angry as well. Unfair but it's how I felt. My DH was lovely about it though bless him.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Thu 01-Sep-16 21:08:09

I'm sorry about your mum flowers Not wicked at all, you're allowed to be annoyed by stuff like this but it's up to you if you feel it's worth having a bust up over. My fil has massively long rambling stories about shit like what road he drove down to get to x location hmm kill me now but I nod and smile and 'mmhm' my way through it because to start telling him after 14 years how bloody annoying he is would be pointless. Same for your Mil, she was insensitive but some people seem to think shit like that counts as valid conversation. She thought 'ooh, I know someone else who's mum has passed away, I'll tell Wicked' if she meant it any other way then you can firmly tell her that everyone grieves in their own way thank you very much. Best of luck wine

IAmAWickedDIL Thu 01-Sep-16 21:09:40

Farmmummy I am so so sorry about your twins

averylongtimeago Thu 01-Sep-16 21:11:50

So sorry for your loss, the pain will fade, but your memories and love for your mum will remain, it does get easier.
After my DM died, I could hardly bare to speak to MiL. Every thing she did or said felt wrong, like you nothing about her had changed, it was my grief.
It does get easier, promise.

Pastaagain78 Thu 01-Sep-16 21:13:14

I went through a very traumatic incident last summer and I feel the same. I am being totally petty and I am so easily irritated now. I really hope it wears off.

booksandcoffee Thu 01-Sep-16 21:15:58

So sorry for your loss. [FLOWERS]

It sounds like your MIL was trying to inspire you but was being a bit insensitive in the process. I am not surprised it left you feeling judged, but she probably did not mean it to. Your FIL just sounds eccentric! You have almost certainly become more irritable because you are bereaved. Bereavement takes time, so be compassionate with yourself. The rest will follow, with support from those closest to you. I appreciate that therapy does not appeal to you, but CRUSE specialise in bereavement therapy. If the irritability seems excessive to your DP and/or others and does not wane then it is worth seeing someone. You are NOT a bad DIL.

Hassled Thu 01-Sep-16 21:18:19

I love my MIL lots, but sometimes I am a bit bitter that she's here and my mother isn't - that she met her grandchildren and my mother didn't. It's not her fault, I still love her (and I think my mother would have loved her) - but that feeling is there.

I'm sorry for your loss, which is still very recent - it will have shaken up your worldview a bit. And it's bound to make you look at comparative people in your family group with a different slant. It'll settle down, I'm sure.

IAmAWickedDIL Thu 01-Sep-16 21:20:25

averylongtimeago that's it exactly, it all feels wrong.

I can't really let it show though because they are sensitive and it will be something that upsets them forever. I am sure they have already noticed I do not give hello/goodbye hugs or kisses.

Wolpertinger Thu 01-Sep-16 21:22:28

My MIL rings up and when I answer the phone she says 'Hello it's mum'.

Everytime I want to respond in my best Eastenders 'You are NOT my muvver!!!!' but I womanfully restrain myself.

She is an annoying but generally harmless woman who meant it as a kind gesture. Unfortunately she made this kind gesture just 3 months after my beloved dad had died. She and FIL are not in anyway my mum and dad and each time they try it, I know they mean well but I want to punch them in the face. Luckily the intensity of the feeling has diminished with time so no actual punching has happened.

So OP you are not a bad DIL. You are a normal DIL who is grieving. And nice people can be fucking annoying, especially when they are your ILs.

FadedRed Thu 01-Sep-16 21:23:33

I really hope I'm not bitter that my mum is gone but mil is still here. I hope that's not it

Wishing your Mum was still here is not the same as wishing your MIL was dead, Op. Please, please don't add that sort of guilt to your grief. flowers

I agree with the previous posters. You are still in the early stages of your bereavement and should be gentle on yourself.

That 'circular saw' nonsense would drive me mad too. Just ignore and excuse yourself to the loo or similar.

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