To expect ex to clear out his rubbish?(9 Posts)
We lived together for 5 years and split 3 months ago. I stayed in our home and he left - we don't have kids so not for stability or anything... I just really love the place and wanted to stay - it was much more my choice than his, I decorated. I asked him to move out and he understood and was ok with that.
He completed on his new place today so got a van and came round to pick up his stuff with his brother. He has left all sorts of stuff - some drawers of old pants/socks/clothes, a couple of shelves of heavy textbooks relating to his profession (not in the same line of work), various bits of sport paraphernalia (I don't do this sport), bags full of paperwork, old aftershaves, etc... It is all a bit 'strewn' and is obviously the stuff he doesn't want or couldn't be bothered to sort through.
I am a bit annoyed as I don't drive so it is a hassle for me to get rid of this stuff, as well as to sort through it all (that's before I think about the emotional aspect - I had a huge cry for the first time in a while seeing most of his stuff gone when I got home from work today). I'll have to try and get a friend/family member to help take it all down three storeys and then to the dump. He also knows I want to decorate and get a lodger into the spare room ASAP for money reasons which this will delay. I kind of want to ask him when he is going to come and deal with the rest of it (he isn't - he has given me back his key now).
On the other hand, I feel bad as he has had to move out and stay with family in a location much further from his job and with no friends around, until now. He has only taken a couple of items of furniture which I didn't want (although I told him he could take more). He has had to buy a new place and is moving to a new area - my day to day life has not had to change/be inconvenienced that much in comparison.
AIBU to ask him to collect the rest of it and take it to the dump himself if he doesn't want it? I am really ok with being told I am - I am genuinely conflicted as to whether it would be really petty and unfair of me.
Your house is not the local tip - he cant just leave it there! Give him a date to have it removed or the binmen can have it.
He needs to pick up his stuff and do whatever he wants with it, it's not your job to dispose of it.
Bag it and put it outside the house, as much of a pain that may be. (Do it a room at a time, clear the one you want to rent first). Give him one last chance to take it, then beg a favour and take what's left to the local tip.
As an aside, if you're feeling a bit fragile about the fact that you get reminders of him being there:
Get at least one set of new bedding. (Lodger can have your old stuff and deal with washing it if you want.)
I bought a new bed as he'd shagged someone in mine.
Box up anything that is too sentimental at the moment and put it away. You can come back to it later and decide if you want to keep, throw or sell it.
Basically, put your stamp on your home, make it yours and yours alone.
Sorry if I'm projecting in that last bit, but I'm sensing you're still finding it painful. What I've suggested helped me a lot.
If you can afford it, pay some rubbish clearance people to take it away; they come and an hour later it's disappeared. Then you can crack on with letting the room. Tell your ex what you're doing to give him a final chance to retrieve anything he really wants.
I had the same situation. I organised giving clothes and sentimental items back through mutual friends, and everything else went to charity. I sent a lot of my own stuff too and took it as an opportunity for a clear out. The worst thing was cleaning out what had become his room. Ankle deep in beer cans, takeaway and microwave rubbish.
I would ask him to take his stuff by a given date. Otherwise charity/dump.
My ex did the same. Took what he wanted and left the rest of his shit lying around. I asked him twice to come and take it and bagged it all up and dumped it when he didn't.
I would message and tell him the rest of his stuff needs to go. Ask him if he is going to come and get any of it, and tell him if he doesn't you will have to dispose of it all. It's annoying because if he doesn't want it he has left it to be your job to take it all to the tip, which isn't fair of him.
However, if you tell him you will be doing this it gives him the chance to come and get it so u can't later say u threw his stuff away without warning.
I sympathise, but rather than hold out and argue he needs to get it all (even though he should) it will be easier to do it yourself in the long run. Try to see it as reclaiming the house for yourself. Don't feel guilty for asking though!
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