AIBU to feel ever so slightly pissed off?(41 Posts)
This post is probably going to be a bit rambling and emotional, (I don't have any one to talk to, as I'll explain,) so I apologise in advance!
So! My partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years, we've been engaged nearly 4 and our daughter turns 2 this month.
I love him to bits, but things have been pretty rocky recently. He decided he hated his job, (which is fair enough,) so he opted to go into business for himself, (again - fair enough.)
We had always spoken about buying a place to run together, a B+B or something similar, nothing massive, just the two of us and minimal staff. He had 1 meeting with a 'friend' of his, (read silent business partner,) which I was not allowed to be a part of - because I wouldn't understand the things they were talking about - and when he came out, he had agreed to take on a hotel in Perth, (Scotland,) complete with 30 bedrooms, 3 function rooms, 2 bars and a restaurant. A far cry from the original conversation.
We spoke about it over lunch, and that was when he said -
"Blair, (the business partner,) doesn't think you should be involved, because families don't work well together."
I just burst into tears. Because I had been expecting him to cut me out at some point. And then he got angry, because I said I didn't want to do it - too big of a project, moving from the Scottish Borders to Perth, leaving my PT job, and leaving behind friends. But he got stroppy and told me he would just tell Blair to forget it.
To which I said that he would never forgive me if we didn't do it. He told me I needed to toughen up because I can't just cry over things.
Long story short, we moved. We have been here in Perth for nearly 3 months. In that time I haven't seen any of 'my' friends, and my family have visited twice. His mum and dad are up and down almost constantly, which is nice, but depressing. It reminds me of the difference in 'closeness' to my own folks.
He promised me that this would be 'our' business, but I have been into the hotel 3 times. And none of that was actually working a shift. The grand total of minutes I've been in the hotel must be less than 60.
I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU to be upset that he is working almost 24/7 and I am totally isolated without friends or family, in a house that is literally in the middle of nowhere, (the views are amazing though!) And I'm really struggling with my mental and physical health, but any time I do see him, all he talks about is work. He has no idea what is going on with me these days. But anytime I try and bring up the subject, he tells me that all I'm doing is adding to his stress and that it isn't fair.
I seriously feel like I'm drowning, and I don't know what to do. I feel like a cheap housekeeper, laundry, babysitter, dog walker all rolled into one and I don't know what to do.
Again, I'm sorry about the length of this, I'm just... Really stuck.
One love. Xxxxx
YANBU I really feel for you.
You never should have moved unless both of you were up for it.
Have you talked you him about how you're feeling?
I've tried to speak to him about how I'm feeling, but he always makes me feel like shit -
"I'm doing this for our future"
"You're making this too stressful"
"You said you would be supportive"
"If we fuck this up, we're bankrupt"
"If you go and see your mum with Ellie, (our daughter,) then what will I do with the dogs?"
He also frequently says that he thinks we should get rid of the dogs because they are too much work. I love my dogs like they were my kids! I think he says that to make me feel guilty...
I think the worst thing is the loneliness. He went to work this morning at 6am, and he still isn't back. xxx
This is terrible, I'm really sorry.
Can't you sit down and remind him this was supposed to be a joint venue, what happened to that? Try and find out what Blair's issues are? Say you haven't even had the opportunity to show what you can contribute?
Alternatively say if it's not a joint venture you'll leave Blair and him too it and head back down south to stay with your folks for a bit.
Regardless of money, but moving you are investing massively in this scheme, it wouldn't be a bad thing to give a reminder that if it doesn't work for both of you he might end up doing it on his own....
Oh sweetheart, this sounds fucking awful!
I know it's too late now, but didn't you wonder wtf you were going to be doing if you 'weren't allowed to be involved' at Blair's say so?
I couldn't live like this long term, does he know how lonely you are? Would he reconsider about you working there? It's your hotel too right?
Yes, what she said, what is the deal in terms of ownership that means you don't get a vote? And what's with this Blair character?
I tried that approach but he just said that he would get rid of the dogs etc. And that he is now tied into a contract for at least a year with Blair.
As far as I can tell, Blair thinks that work and personal lives should be kept 100% separate. And that if we worked in the same building we would fight and be unprofessional. Stuart and I had originally planned to work separate shifts, so he could spend time with Ellie and I could do something other than just be a mum, but that hasn't happened as yet.
He blames it on the fact I can't drive, but I am learning, and it's pretty tricky having lessons when he works 20 hour plus shifts most days, and I have no one nearby for childcare.
He also keeps telling me that things will be different 'soon'. But I have no idea when 'soon' is. Xxx
Also, when he told me what Blair had said about my not being involved, and I got upset, he told me he wasn't going to listen to Blair, and that he wanted me to work there.
Take your daughter and the dogs and go home.
sorry but i think this 'relationship 'of yours is dead in the water, i'd be upping sticks with dc and hoofing it back home. may be your [probably at this rate anyhow] soon to be ex should be marrying blair as they are so cosied up with everything hotel related. your dp sounds a bit of a prat really, telling you that 'you wouldn't understand' about the hotel and the dealings involved, how bloody insulting to your intelligence. sorry but if he loved you he wouldn't be treating you like a second class citizen, god forbid you actually get married, it certainly isn't going to change a darn thing lmo.
YANBU. He is not considering your needs at all and sounds controlling, making major decisions without consulting you and discouraging you from seeing your family. I'd suggest couples counselling but he would have to be willing to participate and communicate, which sounds unlikely when he won't even talk about how you are feeling. He is thinking about himself so you really need to think about yourself and seriously consider whether this is the relationship and the life that you want.
Take your daughter and your dogs and just go and stay with your family.
If he really loves you then he will make changes to prove to you that he wants you to be an active part of his life, but if he doesn't, then you are better off without him and in the company of your friends and family.
Your living situation is incredibly unfair to you and no decent man who claimed to love his partner would want to see her suffer.
Just leave him to it and go back home x
If those are real names OP, this thread will be pretty identifying.
He's not respecting you, or considering you and your DD. Does Blair have any family? Have you invested financially? Was a contract drawn up by a solicitor (who is independent to Blair)?
He's out for 20 hours a day?! Seriously, fuck this.
This sounds like an intolerable situation and I think you will need to chasms it very soon. Yes, he sounds isolating and controlling. If he won't yasmin about it, involve you or listen it's hard to see an option other than leaving...
have you put up any money for this business.....why is blair such an influence, have they put money in as well
Blair is a man But maybe he should marry him...
To be honest, I haven't changed names because I don't really mind if he reads this.
Truth be told, I'm not a picnic to live with, and I know that. I have issues! And I've had some pretty fucked relationships, but nothing like this.
I can't take my dogs home, my mum and dad are separated, and there would be nowhere to go. But I have considered asking MIL to take them for a while.
I'm scared that I wouldn't cope as a single mum. But then, I suppose I already am one. I just have a 2 year old and a 32 year old!
We put money in, Blair bought the building, (his business is finding failing property,) and DP's mum and dad put money in. There is a contract, but I haven't seen or signed it.
We put money in
how much was the split of the cash?
id be worried ive been scammed out of the money i have put into a business if i havent seen or signed any contract and well being told im not allowed to go to the hotel or work there
Oh darling that sounds awful! I'm so sorry for you. I'm guessing its a country house hotel - if it was one in the centre you being unable to drive won't matter so much.
Stand your ground and demand to be included in the business. This is supposed to be your joint venture, which I'm guessing means your DP put your joint money into the hotel and if it fails your joint money will be lost.
If he's going go continue to dismiss you, tell him you want your share of the money he invested and you are leaving. Make sure you get what's yours before you leave. Xx
I think Blair dazzled him, blinded him with science (well, business) and that is why he said you would not understand what was being said! You know, because he didn't really.
He is in too deep to come out and having to do the donkey work, what with Blair being the 'silent'
I know you are unhappy, but I see what he is going through too. And it is tough! Oh so tough! He needs your support, as you need his.
Try really hard to explain that you understand and support him, but would appreciate if he would understand and support you too.
A couple of days a week of reversed roles would be great for you both. Can you arrange child care so you can do a couple of days with him before you start this?
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