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AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

(441 Posts)
user1472724168 Thu 01-Sep-16 11:21:58

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

Wooftweetwooftweet Thu 01-Sep-16 11:25:17

Stand your ground. Even if just for the simple reason that if you give in, it will be a slippery slope to giving in to where to host christmas, what to call the first born, to hand the baby over, what colour to paint the kitchen.
You are either in a partnership with your new husband or you are not.

RestlessTraveller Thu 01-Sep-16 11:26:29

YANBU I wouldn't do it either.

NewStartNewName Thu 01-Sep-16 11:27:39

Not a snowballs chance in hell would I do that! Stand your ground.

Uptownfuckuup Thu 01-Sep-16 11:28:54

He doesn't practice Islam and either do you so there is no need for a Islamic ceremony.

Stick to your guns

squoosh Thu 01-Sep-16 11:28:57


Tell his mum sorry but it's not her wedding. You are not Muslim and it would make absolutely no sense.

Stick to your guns!

ChipIn Thu 01-Sep-16 11:29:01

No way. You shouldn't have to start your marriage in a way that's meaningless to you. If you're not happy doing the ceremony then don't do it.

cheekyfunkymonkey Thu 01-Sep-16 11:30:51

It may only take 5 mins but I am sure it would matter to the people carrying out the ceremony that you were doing it for the right reasons ( ie not just to make his mum Happy).

user1472724168 Thu 01-Sep-16 11:31:12

It just feels like he thinks IABU because I dont have a genuine reason!

GingerbreadGingerbread Thu 01-Sep-16 11:31:52

I wouldn't do it and I'd be offended his mum is forcing this on you both and attempting to emotionally blackmail you into something so wildly inappropriate.

Just say to your DH/ MIL that it would be pointless conducting an Islamic wedding ceremony for you both as neither as Islamic so it would be a farcical sham and you don't want your wedding taken over by your MIL's religion! Honestly it's madness.

corythatwas Thu 01-Sep-16 11:32:00

I am a practising Christian, dh is an atheist. We were married in a secular location by a registrar. I was not going to have him spend his wedding day doing something that made him feel uncomfortable. That was reason enough for us.

Madeupforthis Thu 01-Sep-16 11:32:14

Oh dear. I have been in your exact position and this is why we are not getting married. DP's family were entirely engrossed with controlling our lives. This is the start of it, there will be enormous pressure to circumcise, hold ceremonies for the baby that perhaps you don't agree with, practises you are unsure of etc

I kicked back a HUGE amount and as such they don't like me but we are free to do as we choose. Prepare yourself for this and stand your ground.

user1472724168 Thu 01-Sep-16 11:32:30

DP thinks it is nothing and will not affect me or him in any way but will affect his mum.

YY to pp regarding a slippery slope with his mum/family.

squoosh Thu 01-Sep-16 11:33:10

Would the people at the mosque not be a bit confused at the two of you non muslims having a muslim ceremony to appease the MIL? Would they even allow it?

squoosh Thu 01-Sep-16 11:34:09

Listen to Madeupforthis, sounds like she knows what she's talking about.

user1472724168 Thu 01-Sep-16 11:35:19

Madeupfor this- she said to me a few weeks ago that she would start looking for SOMEONE to circumcise the baby.

I said n we havent decided this. If this is something that DP wants then he can come to me with facts and then we decide as a COUPLE. She said oh but it has health benefits, I said like what?? She looked blank and mentioned a distant cousin who was circumcised aged 4 due to a tight foreskin. Then she said it looks better. I said no one needs to worry about what my babies penis looks like.

I would take her more seriously if she had been a practising muslim and had had the ceromony herself but she got married in a church ffs!

user1472724168 Thu 01-Sep-16 11:36:07

squoosh it wouldnt be at a mosque it would be at her house. With just an IMAN. Very simple 10 minute process hence why he is saying it is not a big deal

Taylor22 Thu 01-Sep-16 11:36:34

YANBU if your OH is so desperate to give his mummy the wedding of her dreams then they can marry each other. He should be focusing on making sure you are both having a happy day. Other people's wants and opinions mean less than nothing.

squoosh Thu 01-Sep-16 11:37:22

she said to me a few weeks ago that she would start looking for SOMEONE to circumcise the baby.


Do not be pressurised into having your son circumcised because your husband wants to make him mum happy.

senua Thu 01-Sep-16 11:38:14

Woah! She wants to practise genital mutilation on your baby?
Lay down some ground rules now!

user1472724168 Thu 01-Sep-16 11:38:34

Can anyone give me an idea of what I can say to him (pathetic I know).

DownWithThisSortaThing Thu 01-Sep-16 11:39:31

It's not her wedding so it has fuck all to do with her. Quite frankly. Her wants don't trump yours.

Get married in a way that suits you and your DH.
Tell him that you don't want to fall out over this - with him or her - but you don't want a Muslim wedding, and given neither or you are religious, it would be innappropriate to have one.

OhGoveUckYourself Thu 01-Sep-16 11:39:50

But you are not marrying a Muslim, you are marrying someone without any religious beliefs so using any religious place, whether it is a church, temple or mosque would be hypocritical. If her religion is important to your future MIL that is fine but she cannot force her views upon anyone else, especially when she chose to marry outside her faith herself.

senua Thu 01-Sep-16 11:39:51

No is a complete sentence.

squoosh Thu 01-Sep-16 11:40:05

Just say that you're not a Muslim and you feel extremely uncomfortable participating in the ceremony of a religion to which you have no attachment. Tell him it's non negotiable.

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