Friend's dp is a domineering prick(14 Posts)
I'm a stepmum so this is not a step parent bashing thread!
My friend has been with her dp on and off for 2 years. They don't live together, they planned to but then started arguing a lot so put it off. Her dd is 16, her ds is 7 and his dd is 11 and has NC with her mum. Her kids see their dad about 3 times a year.
I've noticed that her dp is extremely strict with my friend's kids to the point that I positively cringe. He is constantly picking at them. One ridiculous example the other day was telling my friend's ds off for eating a chip with his fingers. Same for pizza. Dinner was in a laid back restaurant and I was about to eat a French Fry with my hand
thank God I didn't
Another example was demanding in a low and rather menacing tone that her dd put her phone away immediately at same dinner when she sent a quick text to her friend before the food arrived. It was so ott for a first asking. And as my dss pointed out to me privately afterwards- he was on his phone a fair bit himself at the meal.
When we play in the park he constantly tells the kids to use a quieter voice. My friend doesn't seem to like how strict he is and I watch as she composes herself and lets him get on with it. He is strict with his own daughter but I kind of feel like that's his business. Tbh my friend's kids are better behaved than his daughter though.
I'm worried because he tends to bark orders at my friend as well. "My wallet's in your bag. Get it for me." "I need x, pass it to me."
I'm biting my tongue but surely I'm not BU for thinking he's being a bit of a domineering prick and my friend needs to stick up for herself and her kids a bit more?
His reasoning is that "their dad is not really on the scene so it's my job to keep these kids sorted."
Is his reasoning also "her husband isnt on the scene so its my job to keep this woman sorted"? [Hmm]
You are correct he is a total prick. I would be asking her what on earth she sees in him and why she lets him treat her kids like that if she obviously doesnt like it. They arent too tied down. It may make her stick to her guns more or it may make her realise she doesnt have to press ahead with plans if it turns out she realises he is a prick.
My friend divorced due to serial cheating by her dh so I think her self esteem isn't that high.
I'm hoping they don't move in
Definitely a prick. Just out of interest, how does your friend treat her partner's DD? I suspect a lot better than he treats her kids! The kids are going to seriously resent him (if they don't already) and maybe your friend too. Please encourage her to get this sorted, she doesn't need to put up with anything she's not happy with. She might take some convincing if she has low self esteem or she may genuinely believe she's doing the best for her children by having a father figure around. Whatever is driving her to put up with this it sounds like she could do with a reality check and someone to confide in. She needs to put her and her kids above any man. Good luck, keep us posted.
Yes, she is imo much more civil with his daughter. They are not super close but she definitely not that harsh!!
I think my friend definitely likes to be in a relationship and he is a rather charismatic man so she has probably been charmed by him
I'm wondering how to word my approach...
He might be charismatic but sounds like he also has another side to him that's not so nice. Could you say something like "DP's a bit stricter than your ex, how's that going down at home?" Shows you've picked up on it but doesn't sound like a criticism either. Do you get to spend any time with your friend on her own?
No not lately because it's been school holidays so her kids and my dss (who lives with me) are always around.
She has made reference in the past to her ex basically turning his back on his kids (which is true) and at least current dp does something
Erm I'd be telling my ds to use cutlery in a restaurant and if he had a phone that would also be put away. Not sure what's wrong with what he said tbh but I assume his tone was bad.
I'm also forever telling my ds to talk in a quieter voice as he's so loud.
I'm a teacher and ft stepmum and the kids are not loud lol!
The boy took one chip from the plate whilst waiting for the rest of the food to arrive and it was the way he barked at him and went off on one about how that would be acceptable at lunch but certainly not at dinner that I didn't like. Also the fact that my friend clearly didn't mind but didn't speak up either. ..
She has made reference in the past to her ex basically turning his back on his kids (which is true) and at least current dp does something.
That makes me too OP. I'm sure her DP has worked this out for himself which gives him the upper hand. Whatever her ex did is his problem, how she deals with her kids & current relationship is definitely hers. I understand she worries about the impact of the split on her children but that's no reason to put up with behaviour she doesn't agree with. If she doesn't like the way he treats her children she needs to confront it & thank goodness she has a friend like you to support her. If she's genuinely ok with his strictness / pickiness how will you deal with it when you're all together?
So I bumped into the 16yo dd yesterday by pure chance and we ended up having a very long chat about things. God the girl is so unhappy. Turns out this 'catch' uses money to try to control the family (for want of a better word) too. It's so much bigger than I thought. Things like "If you don't do as I say, let's see how you get on when I stop helping you with money for your transport."
I don't think I would cope if he spoke to her like that in front of me
Personally I think you need to speak to your friend and avoid him.
Publicly shaming him is unlikely to end with him changing his ways or your friends realising 'yes what a prick....it's over'
In all likelihood it will end with your friend being pressured into dropping you and being more isolated.
Personally I would tell her what I thought, in private and make clear its abuse. I would also be refusing to spend anytime with him. To stop me from having a go at him.
Yes your friends self esteem is low. However she needs to start protecting her kids. It won't be long before it damages her relationship with her children.
Could you talk to your friend when the kids go back to school? Without being disloyal to her DD, you could mention that you have chatted to her. I feel for your pal. I think you are right about her self esteem. Definitely definitely talk to her.
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