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To give this advice about Dsis' MIL?

(56 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 01-Sep-16 10:10:50

Dsis and her bf have been together a few years, they live together in his house, which is very close (as in, a few doors away) from his parents.

His parents are nice and she and them get on well but she's having a big issue with his DM.

Basically, she has no boundaries and he is a bit of a man child. He's nice enough but just very very used to having someone else (mostly DM) do things for him. He is an only child and DM works part time so is free to constantly come round and tidy, buy shopping for them, do the dishes etc etc.

When talking about it, as most people would I said "that sounds great! Like having a free cleaner who brings you free shopping!" But she says it is really getting her down as she doesn't feel like it is her home and I totally get that. MIL just sees it as an extension of her own house and swans in whenever she feels like it, no calls, no knocking, just in the door despite what my Dsis might be up to. She also is desperate to be independant of his DM because she moved our of our parents' house to be with her bf and she still feels like she is living at home in a way because his DM won't stop interfering.

I suggested that maybe she push things a bit to maybe try and stop MIL from crossing the boundaries - stuff like ask her to pop round and clean the toilet while she's at work or take a load of washing round to her house for her to do while Dsis is out, in the hope that maybe she might get a bit fed up and stop of her own accord. Aibu?

MIL is a nice lady, but has so far not responded to repeated requests to stop, from both her son and Dsis so is this tactic BU or a necessary step towards freedom?

DartmoorDoughnut Thu 01-Sep-16 10:12:15

If they've already asked her to stop then I'd just get the locks changed

Tworingsandamicrowave Thu 01-Sep-16 10:16:22

It doesn't sound like she will stop of her own accord so why don't they take her key away from her/change the locks and lick the door when they are in. The DMIL won't be able to swan in and out as she likes then.

You say that she hasn't responded to requests to stop popping in but did the BF ask properly or drop vague hints. Maybe he needs to grow a pair and be firmer with his DM.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 01-Sep-16 10:16:27

Dsis has taken to leaving the key in the door when she locks it so she can't get in! Doesn't seem to have put her off much though :/

Tworingsandamicrowave Thu 01-Sep-16 10:16:58

X post with Dartmoor.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 01-Sep-16 10:18:04

I think that is part of the problem Microwave, although her bf sees her point, I think secretly he like having her come in and do stuff for them, it's less stuff for him to do that way! So yeah I'm not convinced he's been as firm with her as Dsis would like.

confusionis Thu 01-Sep-16 10:18:47

Start wandering around naked?
Have loud sex when she is around?
Actually treat her like a cleaner?

A firm discussion needs to occur. Changing the locks is rather passive aggressive.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 01-Sep-16 10:19:00

Buy some handcuffs etc blushand leave them on your bed /sofa. Maybe she will be embarrassed and realise she is intruding on your privacy!!

Oysterbabe Thu 01-Sep-16 10:20:02

They need to move. I couldn't put up with that for 5 minutes.

DangerousBeanz Thu 01-Sep-16 10:20:28

She needs to take up naturism. If MIL walks in and catchest her cooking in the buff a couple of times she'll soon stop along in at random.

MidnightAura Thu 01-Sep-16 10:23:06

I couldn't be doing with that. They need to all sit down and have a discussion. Changing the locks is a bit passive aggressive and will just lead to bad feeling I think.

Misselthwaite Thu 01-Sep-16 10:24:10

She doesn't have a MIL problem she has a DP problem. Personally I'd be ditching the DP as a grown man letting his mammy clear up after him would be something I would find really unattractive. You can almost guarantee that if they have children MIL will be summoned every time he has to 'babysit'.

mygorgeousmilo Thu 01-Sep-16 10:26:43

I don't like your passive-aggressive advice, and I doubt your sister will have the audacity to carry it out. I'd change the locks, send her a text to just say "sorry MIL, we love you, but really need some privacy etc. etc.". There's no point playing potentially endless mind games.

Oysterbabe Thu 01-Sep-16 10:27:38

Thing is even if you persuade her to at least knock she'll still be round all the bastard time. Moving is the only option I think.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 01-Sep-16 10:45:50

They won't move as the house is mortgage free so they are stuck there at least for the time being.

Dsis is too shy to wander around naked when there could potentially be people coming in at any time grin

He has DC's from a previous relationship and yes, MIL does babysit a lot, although Dsis isn't sure if she wants her own kids so it may not be an issue for her. MIL also gives him lifts to/from the pub sometimes! He is quite reliant on her and it is an endless source of frustration for Dsis but he does love him and he has a lot of other good qualities it's just that he had been babied his whole life so it's hard to break the habit now.

As much as Dsis finds her annoying, she does like MIL and doesn't want to create any bad feelings with her so I think changing locks won't be something she wants to do confused

NotMe321 Thu 01-Sep-16 10:51:12

Why doesn't leaving a key in the lock stop her? If she knocks and rings, surely your sister can ignore her?

trafalgargal Thu 01-Sep-16 10:56:46

I'd stage it so MIL caught her in <ahem> a state of undress and pretends to be so mortified that she insists MIL knocks in future.

turtlesallthewaydown Thu 01-Sep-16 11:00:22

The house being mortgage-free...do you mean the bf's parents own it and dsis and bf live there rent-free? That might influence how mil sees things too. Definitely need to have a clear and firm conversation, it's clearly unreasonable. I couldn't handle it at all.

FinallyHere Thu 01-Sep-16 11:03:41

This would be a major red flag for me. If the DH wanted to stop his mother clearing up after him (and his 'friends' ) he would have done so by now. If your DSis manages to get his mother to stop, will he then pick up the slack himself or expect his live in partner to do it all?

Just been reading the 'why do some men not pull their weight with housework' ... so my best advice would be to say ruuuuuun. She doesn't feel at home there because it isn't her home.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 01-Sep-16 18:24:39

The house was left to him by a relative so not owned by his parents.

Trifleorbust Thu 01-Sep-16 18:31:44

She needs to put her foot now but in a nice way: "MIL, we really appreciate all that you do for us but we are at a point where we need our privacy. It would be better if you could arrange to come over from now on, and we don't really need help with X and Y. Thank you, though."

If her partner doesn't back her up, she should dump him.

Trifleorbust Thu 01-Sep-16 18:31:55

*down

CodyKing Thu 01-Sep-16 18:40:18

DSis needs to get tough on her boyfriend -

Tell him this is her home too and she doesn't want people dropping by all the time -

Absofrigginlootly Thu 01-Sep-16 19:00:13

Tell her to run!! I love my DH but I wish someone had told me years ago when I was younger to look at the whole family you will eventually marry into... It can have such a big impact on your future happiness and relationship and your DC...

Especially if her DP isn't bothered by it. He has no motivation to change anything

hollyisalovelyname Thu 01-Sep-16 19:06:43

Why can't they sell the house OP ?

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