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I think my dm is bu about my wedding, what do you think?

(113 Posts)
marybrian Thu 01-Sep-16 06:22:48

I am not that close to my dm, we are ok, but not besties constantly in each others lives. We live several hours drive apart and see each other maybe half a dozen times a year. I am engaged to be married this Christmas and we are limited by venue size to 150 guests. My fiance and I chose our venue because it is close to our home and so easy to pop back and forth to make arrangements. We have invited most of my parents friends but not all. I chose to invite the ones I know best and am friendly with. My dm is very angry with me that I haven't invited the last couple as they're giving her a hard time about being 'the only ones' in her friendship group without an invite. She says they've threatening to break the friendship over it. I don't want to invite these people as a) I barely know them & b) it's not like my parents are paying for the wedding. My fiance & I are financing the whole thing ourselves. This is our special day & I only want the people present who are close to us. If I invite these people to make my dm happy, it'll be at the expense of losing people close to myself or my fiance. There is space for them to attend later in the evening but they refuse to drive the 3hrs to get here to take part at the end of the day and they're angry not to be included all along. Aibu?

AnnaT45 Thu 01-Sep-16 06:24:57

YANBU. Tell her if it's easier you'll have none of them there!

CRazzyyAce Thu 01-Sep-16 06:26:43

Expecting people to drive 3hrs for an evening do is not approiate idea really, could she pay for her friends, I know my Mam pay for three of her friends on my wedding day. If not stick to your guns. Although I would be amazed if all 150 attend around Christmas time for a wedding as for many people it's a busy time of the year.

Paulat2112 Thu 01-Sep-16 06:28:54

Yanbu. She doesn't get a say.

marybrian Thu 01-Sep-16 06:30:24

It's not a question of just paying for it. There are a specific maximum number of seats for the room, we can't add extra, fire regs. You are right, everyone might not turn up on the day but we currently have all guests confirmed.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 01-Sep-16 06:32:45

As suggested above, get your mum to pay! She will have a great time with all her friends and you won't have any more guff from any of them. And I doubt you'll even notice them there on the day.

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot Thu 01-Sep-16 06:33:20

It's a pity that you didn't consult your DM about which of her friends were to be invited. Because it has put friction into her life (and theirs) and that could have been avoided. Possibly by inviting fewer of them so it wasn't a single omission.

But having done it this way round, YANBU to stick to your plan.

ayeokthen Thu 01-Sep-16 06:34:09

YANBU, it would be different if your parents were paying for the wedding I think, but since they're not all decisions are up to you and your fiancé. If the friends don't like it that's their problem.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Thu 01-Sep-16 06:34:49

Oh sorry OP, just saw that. Well in that case, YANBU. If her friends can't cope with not going to the wedding of someone they hardly know then she should take a closer look at that friendship. You can't miss out on seeing people you want to see over these drama llamas.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 01-Sep-16 06:35:40

If people get pissy and threaten to end a friendship over not being invited to a friends daughter's wedding by that friends daughter, what kind of friend are they?


GastonsPomPomWrath Thu 01-Sep-16 06:36:12

Just tell her no. It's your choice and that's final. I can't imagine why she's so keen to accommodate people who would break up a friendship over this.

SanityClause Thu 01-Sep-16 06:38:14

Well if all guests have confirmed, and the room is full, you can't invite them anyway. You can't uninvite people who have already RSVP'd!

I guess this kind of thing is why you're not besties with your mum!

chanie44 Thu 01-Sep-16 06:40:37

Whilst i do ultimately think it's 'your wedding, your choice', maybe you should have spoken with your Mum before inviting her friends. I would never expect my children to invite my fiends to their wedding, but equally, I can see how your mums friends must feel if all of the friendship group bar them are invited.

RNBrie Thu 01-Sep-16 06:40:53

Yanbu. What does she expect you to do? Uninvite people??

That said, she's clearly in an awkward position now and I understand how uncomfortable she must be feeling, it's a shame you didn't discuss it with her upfront.

Scarydinosaurs Thu 01-Sep-16 06:41:26


and as for pp suggesting not everyone will go because it's near Christmas- what nonsense! It's up to you who you invite, and your mum can't dictate to you the guest list.

Did she even complain about this couple not coming until they complained to her?

chocoLit Thu 01-Sep-16 06:41:46

Don't do it. We had a lovely Christmas wedding with even fewer guests (63) but ended up having to invite neighbours of my parents. Again we paid for the wedding ourselves.

They came, were miserable and awful to my parents for the rest of their days. I'm not even sure they came to either of my parents funerals.

They already know they weren't invited so the friction will still stand.

Either stick to your guns OR say that only if a space becomes available and if and only then if your parents pay for it. Then threaten to cancel it all and elope gringringrin

marybrian Thu 01-Sep-16 06:46:45

Sadly, this isn't the first argument we've had about getting married. My dm wanted us to marry in her village church. She lives in a hamlet of only 17 houses, miles out in the sticks. The local church is truly tiny and holds about 12 people. It's not like my parents had any special links to this place as they only moved there in the last year. I had to put my foot down about that as it would have been ridiculous for most of us to have to travel for hours across country & have nowhere to accommodate us or have a reception. Personally, I think she has no right. I can't understand why she's being like this?

marybrian Thu 01-Sep-16 06:50:56

She also held an engagement party for us which was lovely but she didn't invite my mil which made my mil very sad. I felt ashamed.

marybrian Thu 01-Sep-16 06:51:31

fil already dead I should add.

HeddaGarbled Thu 01-Sep-16 06:51:32

Have the invitations already gone out? Can you disinvite some of her other friends so that this couple aren't the only ones left out?

I completely agree that you should invite who you want but I can see it from this couple's side aswell. It's quite hurtful to be the only ones left out.

If you are stuck with it now, could you write them a letter to apologise, explain that you have limited numbers and that you invited the people that you see regularly, that you would love to see them at the evening do but understand if they feel it's too far to travel. A bit of grovelling might help mollify them and your mum. Also make it clear it was entirely down to you and that your mum wasn't involved so they don't take it out on her.

Rosae Thu 01-Sep-16 06:51:45

They aren't much of a friend if they will break it over not bring invited to the wedding of a daughter they haven't met are they?

Sootica Thu 01-Sep-16 06:51:48

I think she is in a difficult position given you have left out one couple and they probably don't understand the issues behind it. Perhaps you could ask for their contact details and directly explain that you are limited on space and invited other friends due to your relationship with them rather than their relationship with your mum.
Is there a chance she is bullshitting you over her friends threatening to break the friendship? Because, who does that and if they do, not a friend

takingthep Thu 01-Sep-16 06:52:50

Have you issued the invites? We had a fairly high drop out rate at our wedding billy no mates grin due to a combination of inviting distant relatives of my dads (he was paying) who didn't really know us that well and a mid summer wedding. You usually get a 20% drop out so I would put them on the "2nd choice" list and wait and see who drops out!

Itwillbefine Thu 01-Sep-16 06:54:59

She can tell them it's none of her control the guest list. We invited who we wanted to our wedding but felt we had to invite PIL friend and her daughter invited herself. They annoyed me on the day. Invite who you want.

Sierra259 Thu 01-Sep-16 06:56:30

I can sort of see why they're upset if they are literally the only ones out of your mum's close friendship group not invited - it looks like a blatant snub, even if it was done for very sensible, practical reasons. I also wouldn't expect them to travel 3 hours for an evening do. I think you were a bit unreasonable not to have given more thought to excluding just one set of your mum's friends, as it does put her in a very awkward position.

That said, they are being utter dicks to your mum about it and extremely rude to demand an invitation, let alone threaten their friendship with her over it. Frankly, I would not want them at my wedding at all after that! I'm not sure what you can do at this point however, except wait for someone else to decline and invite them then to make life easier for your mum as a kind gesture? Just tell her you're afraid you can't simply add extra spaces.

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