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To not know what the fuck to do tomorrow

(14 Posts)
Thefitfatty Wed 31-Aug-16 19:01:23

Honestly posting here because not only do I not know how to handle this tomorrow but because I need replies.
Sorry going to rant I think.
One of my best friends died this afternoon. She was 44, anorexic and an alcoholic. Her DH found her dead in bed when he got back from night shift. She's leaving behind an 11 year old DD and a 7 year old DS.
They live 3 hours away (we are in the Middle East) so we are heading down first thing tomorrow.
I don't know what to do or say? I'm horrible with this shit. I have ADHD and will usually say the first thing the pops into my head. If her kids ask how or why she died I can't say "cause she drank herself to death" or "she didn't take care of herself".
She was a lovely, but flawed person, I will miss her terribly but at the same time I'm so mad at her.
I guess my AIBU is AIBU to ask you all How the fuck I should act and what the fuck I should say cause I don't know.

DrWhooves Wed 31-Aug-16 19:06:08

Sorry for your loss flowers.

If the kids ask maybe just say she was very sick and her body couldn't go on any more? It's a hard thing to have to explain to young children. I'm sure her DH will appreciate having you around to help with stuff like feeding the kids, taking them out to the park for a while to give him a break.

phillipp Wed 31-Aug-16 19:18:57

I am sorry for your loss.

I would speak to your friends dh to see how he is explaining it to them first. Stick to it and try not to fill in any gaps, if possible.

Thefitfatty Wed 31-Aug-16 19:57:23

That's a good idea phillip. Speaking to him today he's pretty shell shocked.
The issue is that the 11 year old is very mature and I know she's been worrying about her mother for a long time.

ConvincingLiar Wed 31-Aug-16 20:28:29

11 year old will have some idea of what's happened. I agree that you want to be consistent with their father. Condolences OP, a horrible time for you.

Thefitfatty Wed 31-Aug-16 20:36:24

I'll be fine. I'm more worried about not further fucking up these kids. They're great kids and they deserve more than they've had so far.

Scarydinosaurs Wed 31-Aug-16 20:50:59

Is their dad not dealing with that kind of thing?

I think the best thing you can do for them is practical stuff: shopping, sort the cleaning out, help plan the funeral.

I think I would say if asked: your mum's head was really sick, this made her drink lots of alcohol that made her body stop working and her heart stopped beating. But I am sure that her DH would have been advised on how to explain it to his children.

Thefitfatty Wed 31-Aug-16 20:56:33

Their dad is dealing. He's quite understandably in shock. We're in the Middle East so he won't have been advised on how to talk to his kids at all. Knowing them they're tough, but they are struggling tonight. My DH plans to help with the logistical details of getting her body back to the uk, etc. I will handle the kids. I'm happy to do that but fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

TryingtobePrepared Wed 31-Aug-16 21:01:48

So sorry for your loss, age appropriate honesty is best for kids in the short and long term but go with whatever ever dad says. Also if you do get angry / upset and say something you'd prefer not to have done its OK for the kids to know you're upset too but that you're sorry you said x or y. It won't be the end of the world if something is phrased badly and better to say something than ignore what's going on

Blondieblondie Wed 31-Aug-16 21:03:00

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Give those kids plenty of cuddles and an extra one from me.

Scarydinosaurs Wed 31-Aug-16 21:42:46

If you can, you could listen to the podcast 'This American Life' episode 'The Birds and the Bees', the middle section is all about talking to children about death. It is excellent and gives lots of advice and stories of dealing with death when there is an element of 'fault' involved (by that I mean, suicidal, accidental overdose, self inflicted, or murder etc).

Thefitfatty Fri 02-Sep-16 20:08:16

Well in case anyone was wondering. It's gone well. The poor DH was a mess day 1, we "swooped" in and cleaned the house and my little monsters entertained his while he made calls and I think had some cries. His 2 are ok. The boy (8) is behaving as if nothing has happened. He just wants to play with my DC's. I think that's ok. The DD is good. She has her moments and I am just trying to keep her mind off it. She has the rest of her life to grieve unfortunately, but her father needs this time to focus and get the hard shit done.
Her autopsy will be back soon. I feel horrible but I hope it's heart failure from her low body weight and not an overdose. I know I'm wishing I'd pushed her to go see a doctor more (and I did) I can't imagine how her DH is feeling,

icelollycraving Fri 02-Sep-16 20:21:08

Terribly sad,for her,her dc & dh & you.
Sorry for your loss. There is no right way,everyone deals very differently with grief. flowers

Blondieblondie Fri 02-Sep-16 23:08:58

I have been wondering.

I'm sure you tried your best to help her, and now you're doing the next best thing that you can for her. Children are very resilient with the right support. You can make a big difference. flowers

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