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(67 Posts)
bustifer Wed 31-Aug-16 18:57:32

I would like some views on a situation I have allowed to happen over my 14 year relationship with my DH. His mother takes over. We have 2DSs which she minds 4 days out of five. We have attempted to give boundaries and ask things are done our way. She just ignores us. She also invades my privacy on a daily basis doing laundry and ironing which she goes into our bedroom to get. I have repeatedly asked her not to but I get ignored and have given up. She also buys too much for the children and generally takes over my role as mother and makes me feel undermined. I have taken a period off work to sort this out. Her reaction to this is not positive. I do have support from DH. Any advice would be much appreciated

Absofrigginlootly Wed 31-Aug-16 19:00:41

Put your DC into nursery!

zolalola Wed 31-Aug-16 19:01:58

Paid childcare

usual Wed 31-Aug-16 19:04:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CinderellaFant Wed 31-Aug-16 19:05:22

What usual said.

You don't know how lucky you are.

bustifer Wed 31-Aug-16 19:05:36

Hi, I know that sounds very sensible but I don't want to offend her! Although as DH says she is offending me on a daily basis

BertrandRussell Wed 31-Aug-16 19:05:44

What a cow. Looks after your children, buys presents and does your ironing.....

How very dare you.

Littlecaf Wed 31-Aug-16 19:06:04

Paid childcare is your solution.

sophiestew Wed 31-Aug-16 19:06:11

Agree with PP, the only way to resolve this is paid childcare.

Or move far far away....................

I assume she has a key to your house? Get the locks changed. You need to assert boundaries so that you can hopefully revert to a "normal" relationship where she is an active and involved GP without becoming overbearing. Sadly, many people like this are unable to sustain relationships once boundaries are imposed sad

CinderellaFant Wed 31-Aug-16 19:06:37

She's offending you by looking after your children and doing your housework?? hmm

VladmirsPoutine Wed 31-Aug-16 19:08:29

Does this mean you win the coveted Mumsnet MIL award?

tofutti Wed 31-Aug-16 19:09:14

Get a lock for your door! Keep the free childcare!

usual Wed 31-Aug-16 19:10:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff Wed 31-Aug-16 19:12:38

Op send your mil my way I will test her childcare and laundry mettle and let you know how offended I am this may take years to test
Let's be honest mil isn't the problem your are feeling usurped by the fact she can spend all that time with your Dc and you can't. It's called jealousy and trust me this is nothing compared to when they start school and "miss says" rules every conversation and she doesn't even do your washing

MarcelineTheVampire Wed 31-Aug-16 19:12:57

OP how does she undermine you?

abbsismyhero Wed 31-Aug-16 19:15:43

Its about boundaries not hating someone if I ask someone not to do something and they do it anyway that is wrong doesn't matter if they think its right or even to my benefit if I choose to do it myself and I'm of sound mind and able to do it for myself I should be respected

Pay for childcare remove your key take charge of your own life

bustifer Wed 31-Aug-16 19:16:18

Sadly Sopiestew you may be right. I have tried to set boundaries it just hasn't worked. Paid childcare will kill her and most likely irreparably damage the relationship with DH and DSs

CookieDoughKid Wed 31-Aug-16 19:16:32

I can't see the problem here. I think you feel usurped as the mother. If you want boundaries in then don't have her over at your house full stop!!

footballmum Wed 31-Aug-16 19:21:03

I sympathise OP. Mine is exactly the same. I bloody luffs her grin

MrsAmaretto Wed 31-Aug-16 19:23:10

You have to use paid childcare. To be frank she is replacing you 4 days a week with childcare and laundry duties and paying for childcare is the only way you'll sort it

sorenipples Wed 31-Aug-16 19:40:32

OP is your issue that you feel she still sees and treats your dh (and you by extension ) as a child, and in seeing you as a child you feel that she is assuming your role of mother within your family unit?

Mumsnet convention dictates I say you have a dh problem btw

bustifer Wed 31-Aug-16 19:42:00

Thank you all for the feedback it's helpful

bustifer Wed 31-Aug-16 19:45:29

Very perceptive sophienipples. I am swimming in a lot of issues but need to distance her initially to sort those then assess what I am happy for her to do and not do. At present she is in a big huff. I not against paid care we've had it in the past.

yorkshapudding Wed 31-Aug-16 19:48:05

Is this a reverse?

Ninasimoneinthemorning Wed 31-Aug-16 19:53:47

op you can't have one with out the other.

If you want her doing child care she will continue to undermine you as she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. In fact she probably feels you owe her and that she is doing you a massive favour - which she is, so if she wants to pick your dirty knickers and Bras up - she will, after all she is the alpha female in the family as you all need her so much.

You can't expect her to respect you or your boundries if you don't want to offend her. She clearly thinks what you say is nonsence. Wait until the kids get older and she starts to show them who the 'real' mother boss is. That's when they start disrespecting you too OR being in massive conflict of who to listen to.

Get your own child care, use the excuse it's because you want them to enjoy the interaction with the other children and the facilities thry have.

Pretend that you have lost your key and you need hers till you get a replacement of she has a key to your house.

or just keep your mouth shut and silently moan about it in your head while every one else is happy!

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