To be upset with an insensitive and tactless friend

[stirling]

Hi,
In a nutshell Dh and I are separated due to his philandering ways - and I've been through a very harrowing 5 years. He lives part time with parent and part here in an annexe building. Eventually tried to have a relationship myself it didn't work out.

I have a (relatively new) friend (met a year ago -who - everytime she sees him, goes all leery, telling me how 'hot' he looks, bloody hell he's so good looking, crikey he looks stunning today... Right down to "can I have him for a while?". She sees him on the school run or at times here at my house.

I find her comments insensitive given that I became physically very unwell after I discovered his affairs, and none of my friends have ever done the same. They're all quite lukewarm around him. I know she wasn't in my life at the time of the discovery of the betrayals, but she has been told and she watched the separation happening.

He is good looking and to have her constantly harping on about it is uncouth in my opinion ( is it worth mentioning that she's been having an affair with the husband of a friend of hers for the past two years)?

I try not to judge people but yes, I feel very wary about her in general. She's cheating on her husband left right and centre, sleeping with builders, men she'll meet online etc - all because her husband is 20 years older than her and in her words "an old man"
So when I told her this morning that she is not to speak like that about my husband because I find its a sore reminder of how popular he is with women and all the pain I went through as a result, she snapped: well I'd be delighted if someone was to say that about my husband "

Well I'm not you, I thought, but didn't continue to argue.
I'm really talking myself out of this friendship aren't I? And clearly, I am judgemental. She is unfortunately obsessed with me - she's 6 years younger than me and is repeatedly telling me that I'm the best friend she's ever had. She's highly insecure and has been bombarding myself (and her lover) with messages throughout the day, everyday, despite me telling her that I can't cope because I have daily headaches. I realise she's highly insecure. You're probably wondering why she's a friend at all. She has many other good traits.

I don't mind hearing that I'm perhaps overreacting - but please could you be kind. I love the opinions I receive on this board but not in a good frame of mind for any nastiness.

Thank you in advance.

[QueenofallIsee]

She is a twat, bin her. You have other friends who are supportive. Whilst your seperation does mean that theroetically you have no claim on him, you are clearly not over it, she knows it and so is just a massive bitch.

And get him out of the annex if you can, it cannot be helping your cause to move on with your life.

i repeat, she is a twat BIN HER

[AmysTiara]

You are not over reacting at all. You have told her to stop going on about your ex so She should respect your feelings and keep quiet. She doesn't sound like much of a friend op.

[ihatethecold]

Fuck that!
So inappropriate, She wouldn't be my friend for long if she said something like that to me.
She's after a go on him.
Nasty!

[ElspethFlashman]

She's a gobshite.

Start by deliberately not answering her messages as much as possible.

Time to start weaning her off. And certainly stop meeting her in your home where she can leer at your ex. Who needs it?

She needs to be an occasional friend, rather than a daily friend.

[JellyBelli]

You're not overreacting, and she's not a friend! Heres a second vote for bin her.

[BrightOranges]

You know what you need to do.

[IzzyIsBusy]

Why are you even friends with this women

[Aeroflotgirl]

God how old is she, 15! I wou,d distance myself from her, very disrespectful and immature.

[SallyMcgally]

Run like the wind. She sounds like very hard work and incredibly self-obsessed.

[iamapixiebutnotaniceone]

If she was any kind of a friend she would respect your wishes and stop. Also she should hate anybody that could treat you so badly!

[SaucyJack]

What are her good traits?

[MrsJoeyMaynard]

That's very insensitive and inappropriate behaviour from your "friend".

[Turntopage394]

She is the female version of your exh and a toxic person get rid she is no friend as friends don't act like she does.

[XiCi]

She sounds poisonous

[YouTheCat]

How massively inappropriate!

She clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Dump her.

[CoraPirbright]

Yes - what SaucyJack said - what are her good traits? Because I would love to hear what could possibly outweigh her being an insensitive, slaggy bitch.

Seriously - I wouldn't even bother with the 'weaning' her off you. I would tell her to fuck off and exactly why.

[RainbowJack]

If she hasn't fucked you over already - she will

Highly inappropriate w/ poor boundaries.

Save yourself future heartache and bin her now.

[Stopyourhavering]

She is using you...

[ratspeaker]

Does she actually know you are seperated due to his cheating?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

She's just got trouble written all over her. I can't imagine the redeeming qualities that could possibly drag you further into her mess.
Is she definitely after your friendship or just using you as a gateway friend to get access to your 'hot' husband?
You need to get these people to a distance.

[MapMyMum]

Drop her like a hot cake....

[stirling]

Oh Phew. Hallelujah. There are times when I think I'm going mad. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in my view of her.
Admit I laughed at the suggestion to skip weaning and just get rid of!

Well, positive traits...
At times when I've been v low, she's dropped everything and come over to give me a good hug and - this sounds quite unbelievable - but some sound advice (she's training to become a therapist)

She's funnier than anyone I've ever met, and laughter has brought me out of my breakdown. She's a neighbour, her kids are wonderful, a pleasure to be with, they get on with mine. She helps me with childcare - I have no family support and other school mum friends have been a bit unreliable.
She and I share the same taste in many things - film, books, music, interests. It's bizarre, but there's a lot I like about her.

She is however, volatile. And that, in friendship I can't tolerate.

[Buzzardbird]

Choosing her for a friend is a bit like having a pet lion...it's a matter of time.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Get rid of her and don't feel guilty.

She might be very insecure but you're not her Crutch, she sounds fucking awful and I couldn't stand being within 5 feet of her.

Do it and you won't regret it.

[WindPowerRanger]

Agree to not weaning off-clean break. And I shudder to think what she will be like as a therapist!

I would text/email her to say she is not respecting your (entirely reasonable boundaries) nor showing much understanding of your situation, so to protect your recovery you are no longer going to spend time with her. If you wanted to, you could suggest she discusses all this with her supervising therapist, though in your shoes I would say the polite minimum.