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To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

(290 Posts)
Step0 Wed 31-Aug-16 10:32:29

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

Puzzledconfusedandbewildered Wed 31-Aug-16 10:35:38

They're the kids clothes not yours so let them wear them wherever they choose.

My ex has this thing about presents must only be used at his house and must never leave the premises, which means the kids get a couple of plays then they've outgrown them. He also has the same attitude to clothes as you meaning they leave here in one set, get changed at his, stay overnight wear another set then get changed to come home.

Very bizarre

alltouchedout Wed 31-Aug-16 10:35:51

If you've bought them for the children, they should go with the children. I understand the irritation if nice things go never to be seen again and they only come in not so nice stuff, but at the end of the day, it's got to be horrible for children who get caught in a "you can only use the things I bought you when you are with me" situation.

Heirhelp Wed 31-Aug-16 10:37:21

If you want to put yourself first then keep the clothes at yours. If you want to put the kids first then send them home with the clothes.

Cm is often not enough to cover 50% of the cost of raising children. It sounds like your partner should a contributing more financially.

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 31-Aug-16 10:38:35

Of course yabu. What are you going to do? When they come in your house make them strip out of their clothes, put on your nicer ones and then change again when they go home?! How unfair!

ApocalypseSlough Wed 31-Aug-16 10:39:13

The clothes must stay with the children. Anything else, even if it's frustrating watching things disappear, is a whole can of worms.

Oysterbabe Wed 31-Aug-16 10:40:42

Yabu and ridiculous.

BaronessEllaSaturday Wed 31-Aug-16 10:41:03

If you think that sending them back with the children will result in you having to buy new clothes every time they stay due to inappropriate ones being sent then yes keep them at yours.

I also think it is appropriate for children to have separate wardrobes at each house otherwise a lot of fathers would and do just expect the mother to supply all the clothes for use at their houses.

Amammi Wed 31-Aug-16 10:41:52

I think you are being reasonable . you have bought clothes and sent them to their mums place as well as the items you bought for use in your house. They should not be coming back to you each time looking for more - you have done your bit. I don't know what age they are but I'd be wary of setting a precedent if they are young . teens can be very expensive and you don't want to be seen as bankrolling all their wants in the years to come.

ChocolateButton15 Wed 31-Aug-16 10:42:06

At least if they take them home they will get worn more. I would say once you give someone something you can't really have a say in what they do with it. It might be upsetting for them if you ask them not to take it home if they haven't got many nice clothes to begin with

VioletBam Wed 31-Aug-16 10:42:25

You are being awful.

Who are the clothes for? The kids? Or you can feel superior that they have "nice clothes" when they're with you.

Let them take them home.

Lunar1 Wed 31-Aug-16 10:42:35

So you have basically bought the cloths for yourself. Maybe so the children with a disorganised mum look appropriately dressed when they are with you?

Your ability to afford new clothes does not make you better than anyone. This is really unfair on the children, either drop the bus are conditions on your purchases or put your purse away.

It's coming up to Christmas, there are lots of offers on dolls if you want to play dress up.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Wed 31-Aug-16 10:42:44


The clothes go where the children go.

Lunar1 Wed 31-Aug-16 10:44:04

Drop the bus should have been drop the bizarre attitude!

Inertia Wed 31-Aug-16 10:45:24

It sounds like your OH needs to look again at whether he's paying enough in maintenance. Alternatively, he could take responsibility for buying all their clothes and split them between the two houses.

I agree that the clothes belong to the children- however,given that the children are with you several times a week, it would logistically make sense for your partner to keep the clothes that the children wear at yours, wash them and put them in the cupboard for next time.

If there's no sense of only having good clothes at your house then the children are less likely to fuss about what they wear in which house.

Pestilence13610 Wed 31-Aug-16 10:46:07

You need a couple of changes of clothes at your house. The kids arrive clothed, they go home clothed. Let them choose what they wear and when they wear it. Or do the kids not own their own clothes. If mum is hard up, suck it up and get them an extra pair of shoes and jeans, maybe even a coat. If the kids are girls, just wait until you see how quick they get through bras. shock It is all part of being a stepparent. Kids cost a fortune.

Munstermonchgirl Wed 31-Aug-16 10:46:40

Are the kids old enough to pack for themselves when they come to you? I appreciate it's tricky if their mum is rubbish at organising laundry etc but surely once the kids are a certain age, if they are happy about having nice clothes, they'll take care of them

I agree with the others though that if you buy the clothes for them, you shouldn't then try to control when they wear them.

harderandharder2breathe Wed 31-Aug-16 10:48:24

Yabu and ridiculous

You buy the clothes for the children. The children take them with them.

Nabootique Wed 31-Aug-16 10:48:57

I agree with BaronessEllaSaturday. I am in a not dissimilar situation and when the clothes or anything else are sent back, they are never seen again, and stuff that doesn't fit properly/isn't weather appropriate, etc. is what they come back to me in. Again.

BittyWanter Wed 31-Aug-16 10:50:12


How would you feel if you were wearing new clothes when you're with your dad but when you go to your mums you have to put on your old clothes?

Sounds like a little point scoring and spiteful to me

ohfourfoxache Wed 31-Aug-16 10:50:45

The clothes belong to the dc - you have no use for them, do you?

hippydippybaloney Wed 31-Aug-16 10:51:03

DH's ex also doesn't seem to notice when the kids outgrow things, and they tend to be on the tattier side. I'm not going to judge, it's none of my business. They're young teenagers though and they like nice clothes so I often get them stuff.

I'll admit, it used to annoy me that we always ended up with the tatty stuff here and the stuff I bought would disappear. Just for a bit though, because when I thought about it, I would rather they got the enjoyment out of the stuff whenever and wherever they wanted. I realised it was an unreasonable stance to take. They're her children, it's her call what she buys for them to wear. It isn't my business. I didn't think it was fair to feel that it would be nice for them to have some stuff they felt good in and not do something about it, or to then not let them have them all the time. It is frustrating when they end up with nothing decent (although, again, it's my issue whether I class what they wear as decent or not, not hers) when they're here but there nothing to be gained from stressing about it.

Maybe try bulk buying more cheap stuff rather than less of the more expensive items? I get them some more expensive stuff that I know they'll really like but I also get lots of h&m type basics because then there's plenty for them to leave wherever they want.

jumpjumpformylove Wed 31-Aug-16 10:51:11

If they're always going to come back to yours wearing things that are too small or unfashionable, of course YNBU to keep clothes for them at yours. Otherwise, you'll be buying them new clothes every week which isn't feasible.

I've had to do this for family members, who would send their kids to stay in a weird assortment of clothes, mostly too small or unsuitable for the season or occasion. I'd keep a stash at mine, and when they were verging on getting too small, send the kids home with them. It saved having to buy clothes every single time I had them.

Nabootique Wed 31-Aug-16 10:51:57

I'm not saying never send anything back with them, and it sounds like you have done that a lot, but it's okay for you to want them to have clothes that fit right at yours, and you might need to keep some that you buy to do that.

citybushisland Wed 31-Aug-16 10:53:24

The OP did say she'd also bought clothes for the kids and given them to their mother - so she's bought clothes for both houses.... OP it depends, if they consistently turn up at your's in old hand me downs after you've bought 2 sets of home clothes then yes, start keeping some specifically for use at your house. Otherwise accept clothing will go back and forth with them.

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