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A wwyd

(132 Posts)
Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 09:29:13

I've namechanged & so on as this is an identifying ongoing situation.

Wibu to just bite the bullet and move.

I'm from a big city, dh is from a medium sized town about 20-40 minutes away. Everywhere in between is rural.

When we met neither wanted to move (work commitments) but in the end dh came here and we rented a small house. Dh never very happy due to commute to work (he works about 1 hour away) but we get on with it.

Two dc on and we need to move, we are in a good position to buy a nice house, we are bursting at the seams in this small house and the road is horrible anyway.

The problem is dh isn't happy to buy here, but this is where the dcs schools, clubs and my work is. His work is very well paid, mine not so much but fits around school. Dh is unhappy because it costs him so much time (he works way past his town), and he doesn't like living in a big city anyway.

To be honest I'm not exactly in love with this place either it's just where I've always lived and I like having a choice of everything on our doorstep in terms of shops and leisure activities. Although the smaller town has everything you need too.

Then there's family, all mine live here, but I don't see them loads anyway, his family are there and they are very close knit. My dc are very close to my mum but she's unwell and can't drive and I'm worried moving would damage that bond because it would be all about dh and his family.

Then there's uprooting the dc, they'd have to change schools but it would mean living on a nicer road, nicer house they could play out which they can't here. They are primary school age.

I could potentially still get to work but I think long term I'd have to look for another job. Dh thinks he'd be around more to do the childcare if we moved but I'm worried that he wouldn't in reality (irregular hours).

I keep changing my mind between wanting to go for it and thinking he's totally selfish for wanting us all to uproot just for him. He doesn't want to get a new job and says he'd have to take a pay cut if he did.

BittyWanter Wed 31-Aug-16 09:39:44

But you wouldn't be uprooting "just for him".

You'd be moving as a family to start a new chapter in your own house.

Your DP has never wanted to live where you live at the moment. I think you should move to the town he's from or rural.

Dcs will settle into school (I've just moved our 3 to the countryside from city) and no bond between your DC and mum will be broken if you keep regular contact/visit.

I'd go for it you can always move back (if I can do it anyone can!)

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 09:46:12

Are you my dh?!

When I say 'just for him' I mean my commute would be long, changing schools and clubs and leaving family to fit around his career and happiness.

There are nice road and houses for sale here but they're out of the question.

MangoMoon Wed 31-Aug-16 09:47:06

I've moved to completely different parts of the country 3 times since the kids were school age & they've been fine.

If it's them settling into a new place you're worried about then I (personally, from experience) wouldn't let that be a deal breaker.

You're also only moving 20-40 mins away, so you're still practically on the doorstep of your own family really - again, if it were me then this would not be a massive deal tbh.

GoldenBlue Wed 31-Aug-16 09:47:11

At primary school age the kids are portable, once they are at secondary it is more challenging. Why not investigate the option? Go look at some houses, look up the local schools and clubs etc.

Can you afford a house big enough for your mum to stay over night?

Can you get a new job nearer to the desired location? Can he support the family whilst you look for one? Whilst it makes financial sense to travel to a well it probably doesn't for a lower paid one so you will probably want to move jobs.

It sounds like he's sustained the travelling up to know but if you're moving anyway the he reasonably wants to explore reducing that overhead. It is tiring driving more than an hour after a full day's work.

Don't reject it out of hand but make sure what ever you both decide is right for both of you.

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 09:54:47

Thank you!

I totally agree it would be more disruptive to move them at secondary school age.

We can afford to live on dhs salary although I want my own income for various reasons.

I could look for a new job but it wouldn't be easy to find something as well paid and so flexible. I could still get to work dh says he'd be able to take the burden off me of childcare.

Yes we'd have room for my mum to stay but I doubt she would (whole other thread). She has always looked after the dc if they've been ill so I can't get to work so I'd miss out on that.

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 09:55:45

So I 'can' get to work.

HKHKHR Wed 31-Aug-16 10:02:13

I would move.

Coconutty Wed 31-Aug-16 10:06:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 10:09:34

Ok thanks.

What is it that makes you say move? Is it the higher salary, or getting away from a big city or something else?

Welshrainbow Wed 31-Aug-16 10:11:48

Your commute would be long and you'd be leaving family? Those are things that he did for you years ago and you've already said his family are more close knit than yours. You can get a nicer house there and more time with him because he will have less of a commute. Move, yes the kids would have to change clubs and schools but that's not the end of the world.

citybushisland Wed 31-Aug-16 10:18:29

Question, when the kids are ill and off school your mum drops everything and looks after them? Will you have that in the new area? ie someone else to fulfill that role. That would be the deal breaker for me, everything else has a workaround.

BittyWanter Wed 31-Aug-16 10:20:40

Quality of life makes me say 'move'.

Your DH may be home more if he's less travelling to do.
More money.
Closer to family.
DC can 'play outside'
Towns/rural ime are more community based but that could just be what I've experienced

And your DH isn't happy and was never happy living there. I think you should meet him half way as it were.

trafalgargal Wed 31-Aug-16 10:20:48

If it's a potentially nicer area you'd be moving to would the secondary school options be better ? That for me would be a biggie, there's pro and cons with this move but overall more pros than cons it seems but that for me would be the important one as it would have the biggest impact in the future.

BittyWanter Wed 31-Aug-16 10:22:09

Mum as a childminder / babysitter isn't a reason to stay in the area you're in

trafalgargal Wed 31-Aug-16 10:22:12

If his family are close knit would there be a family member willing to have the kids in emergency in the way your Mum does now?

DesolateWaist Wed 31-Aug-16 10:24:44

Move. If you can get a bigger house in a nicer place then I can't see why not.
If you can manage on DH's wage for a little while then do it and look for another job. I expect he will save money with less commuting too.

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 10:25:11

To explain a bit more, my mum is retired and isn't too well but if the dc are ill she's always on hand to have them in her house. She can manage that and she adores them or they adore her, but she wouldn't be able to travel to see us or stay over.

We still see a lot of dhs family because they are younger and more active, they do have very busy lifestyles with work and social life.

Yes dh has been doing the commute that's right I suppose I feel a bit cheated because I always thought he was going to look for closer work but he now doesn't want to.

Nanunanu Wed 31-Aug-16 10:27:45

If they are ill presumably your mum can still look after them. You just have to take them to her rather than her come to you.

Are there trains etc between the town and city so your mum can visit? If not can you drive the kids over regularly?

A bigger house. Quieter area where kids can play outside. But not so quiet that there aren't any clubs etc sounds lovely.

I totally agree you should keep yourself employed for a variety of reasons.

But over 2 hours commute every day is back breaking. Lots of people do it. Sure. But he has the option now to stop. That's 10 hours a week. And entire working day. 40 hours a month that could be spent doing something, anything else. From playing with kids to relaxing. To cooking. To cleaning.

You give him a weeks leave every month by moving closer to his work. Not to be sniffed at.

Plus all the benefits to the children of growing up in a close knit extended family.

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 10:30:41

Dhs family would be as helpful as they could but when I say his family it's only his mum and dad! They work full time and have very busy social lives. They are lovely and helpful but not always available (I realise this alone isn't enough reason not to move).

Hmm schools, we do actually have great schools here even though the area isn't nice. Most of the schools are outstanding and because there is lots of choice they are small intake.

The schools in dhs town are very oversubscribed and some have massive intakes, there isn't as much choice, they are all ofsted good.

Again though ofsted isn't everything and I'm sure the schools are fine.

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 10:34:30

Thanks, I know I'm sounding negative I'm just trying to give the whole picture.

Floralnomad Wed 31-Aug-16 10:34:55

Move ,it's 20-40 minutes not 400 miles ! That distance is hardly anything .

CodyKing Wed 31-Aug-16 10:42:05

Mmm How does the timing works out? For example - how will DH do the school run or the pick ups?

Will he take time of if the kids are ill?

How much time will he save? It won't be and hour each way as he still needs to get to work!

It's hard to settle kids from a different place - surprising how culture differs even up the road - we lived from the city to the seaside and the attitudes are very different.

We found the city very friendly and open all inclusive yet this town isn't! Everyone keeps themselves to themselves !!

Lots of kids have BFFs usually kids born in the same ward on the say day - where as we have always pushed for as many friends as possible to include and enjoy the differences!

That's why there is lots of bullying here !!

You may have a different experience!

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 10:45:45

Nanunanu yes she could still have the dc I'd just have to leave super early to drop them off. Not always realistic if they're ill but the childcare alone isn't enough reason not to move.

Dh wouldn't save the whole hour commute, he'd save half the time on average so 30 minutes but it's a bit more complicated than that because he isn't in the same place every day, but overall it would save him time.

My commute would however increase by 30 minutes!

Babystarlight Wed 31-Aug-16 10:51:02

Mmm How does the timing works out? For example - how will DH do the school run or the pick ups?

He says he will drop me at the station and drop the kids off but in reality I don't believe this because he has to be at work for 8am

Will he take time of if the kids are ill?
No he won't because he gets the minimum holiday allowance and his work are inflexible*

How much time will he save? It won't be and hour each way as he still needs to get to work!

He will save 30 minutes on average a day but that depends where he's working

It's hard to settle kids from a different place - surprising how culture differs even up the road - we lived from the city to the seaside and the attitudes are very different.
I'm a bit worried about that, although sadly my dc haven't made any very close friends yet here anyway.*

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