Clean Freak(64 Posts)
Name changed for this as the likelihood of this appearing elsewhere is very high these day.
I grew up in a pretty filthy home in the late 80's. 7 kids in the house, all close in age with 2 working parents meant that cleanliness was never high on my parents to do list.
I had one uniform for school and it would only ever be washed on a Friday evening, so if I stained it or dirtied it in any way, I would have to still wear it until Friday.
We had once a week baths on Sunday, washing up and bin were only dealt with when they reached maximum capacity, I mean dirty plates all over the counter and rubbish by the bin instead of in the bin because the bin was too full.
A few friends commented on the state of my home as a small child and by secondary, I never invited anyone home.
This has left me somewhat obsessed with cleanliness as an adult, everything has to be washed up immediately, baths/showers every day, clean clothes are a must and their can't be a crumb anywhere.
I have 3 DC, I've taught them from an early age how important cleanliness is, my eldest 16 and my youngest 7 have never given me trouble but DD 12 is practically at war with me over this.
She has to be called back to wash her dishes, she wears the same socks until they're not wearable, I have to argue with her to shower or have a bath every night, she tries to sneak food up to her bedroom which I can't stand, their bedrooms have to be clean before bed but all her clothes, books, bits of paper seem to cover every inch of her floor every night and every night I make her clean it.
Last night I told her to clean her room around 5pm, then repeated it after dinner, when I went up at 8, the room was a tip and she was fast asleep on the bed, it took everything I had not to wake her up and just go back downstairs.
This morning at 10, I told her she wouldn't be going anywhere until it was clean. She said okay and then at 11, her friend shows up, they were about to go up to DD's room when I asked DD if she'd cleaned her room, she said no, so I said the room was off limits and that they could sit in the Lounge.
After lots of eyes rolls and mutterings, they sat down and then when DD's friend left, I told her to clean her room again and she called me a clean freak.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all, what is so hard about wearing clean clothes and having a clean room. If her room was clean, they could have gone up there but it wasn't.
The fact that you are enforcing daily baths or showers indicates you're being OTT IMO. I'm very clean but I don't shower every day. Shower every other day, with a wash in between...i'm not surprised a 12 year old is getting pissed off with being made to do it every day.
While I understand totally you need to let the room thing go, seriously. Pick your battles and this really isn't one. Shut the door on it if you have to.
Yes a clean when you can't open the door perhaps but you have to stop with the military every night thing or you'll end up with unnecessary battles.
Really suprised at the replies.
Doesn't everyone shower every night? I'm talking quick 10 minute showers here and after asking her 3 times, the room should have been clean by the time the friend showed up.
They can keep their rooms as filthy as they like during the day but it has to be clean by bedtime.
Sorry but having had 2 teenage DDs this is a battle you don't need daily. There will be more important battles to come and although I can see from your background why you feel as you do, I say this in the nicest possible way, shut the door and walk away. No one died from not being able to see their bedroom floor for a few bits of paper
And no they didn't shower every day either. The 16 year old still doesn't if she isn't going anywhere
I don't think you're being particularly OTT...
She has to be called back to wash her dishes. Someone has to wash them... it's fine IMO for children to take some responsibility for some chores.
she wears the same socks until they're not wearable. Clean socks everyday is a must.
I have to argue with her to shower or have a bath every night. I think a bath or shower everyday is normal behaviour too... especially on hot days and once you approach teenage years.
She tries to sneak food up to her bedroom which I can't stand. I wouldn't allow my dc to have food in their bedrooms...it attracts mice.
I shower every other day.
You sound on the very extreme side of normal to me! Equally you daughter sounds perfectly normally for a pre-teen/teen! Keep communal areas to your standard and insist on less for your daughter. Have some absolute musts. E.g. No dirty plates etc left upstairs overnight, but otherwise let her live with it and shut the door on it!
I think showering or bathing every day is pretty normal.
I'm with you too on a clean house...can't stand mess!
But, maybe you could let the children have a bit more freedom in their own room? Perhaps once a week tidy?
There is a difference between clean and tidy. Her room is messy, not dirty.
Just as you have reacted to your rather extreme circumstances growing up, she could do the same... I would advise you to be careful not to.push too hard.
You know yourself that you are very fastidious. As a mumsnetter you must know that there are many ways to keep a house that are just fime but not up to your standards. Go easy on DD, coming into teenage years it is so important to maintain a good and trusting relationship. Pick your battles.
Can't you see that, as your behaviour is a reaction against your parents and the feeling of not being in control of your environment, so is your DD's?
You realise you're doing the same thing to your children that your parents did to you, but in reverse?
My mum is like you and I've grown up to be a lazy scutter. It's over the top and they will rail against it.
It's her room, let it go man! See it as your compromise the teens are hard enough. Don't make her suffer because of your childhood.
Everything else batter on just let her have this.
I understand why you feel the way you do because of your upbringing. But is there the faintest possibility that your dd is and will go the opposite way of her upbringing? Just like you did but in reverse.
I agree about food upstairs. But her room is her room. Why does it matter if there is stuff on her floor at night?
I do get it as I like my house to be straight at the end of the day. But I recognise that my standard is not shared by everyone in the household. So I concentrate on the shared living spaces rather than the dc's bedrooms.
I shut their doors. A lot.
Doesn't everyone shower every night? I'm talking quick 10 minute showers here I think a ten minute shower is excessive but my "thing" is saving the environment and not wasting energy.
My daughter's bedroom was covered in clothes when she was a teenager, her problem not mine.
Loosen up and let them sort it out.
Have my 12 year old!! She showers twice a day. Bedroom is to show home standards and is at her happiest cleaning - even if I did it in the morning! She gets cross with me at moment as I'm making resources for school and it's making a mess!
Perhaps you could agree, in respect of her bedroom, no food, no dirty washing on floor (must go in the laundry basket)...then leave her to it providing those rules are followed.
Im sorry OP but I think you are going too far with this. Its not necessary to have a bath or shower each day/night but many people like to. Its a choice and I think at 12 the most you should enforce is maximum every 2 days, maybe even every 3 days. It should be her choice as long as she isn't stinking.
Everything else you describe your dd as doing sounds annoying but totally normal. I think you need to be careful that you aren't making this cleanliness thing such an issue and a battle that you damage your relationship with her permanently. It sounds like she has and will have different standards to you. I personally couldn't cope with my mum having such a strict and obsessive stance on cleanliness, either as a child, teen or now when I need her help so much with 3 tiny kids of my own. I love her coming to stay and helping but if she was on my case about cleanliness I would have to cut her loose.
Try to think about what might be acceptable cleanliness-wise for a normal 12 year old (not what you would like but what is okay healthwise and family wise) and then give her a bit more freedom to make her own decisions on it. The shower thing is somethign that doesnt really impact you so maybe start there. The dishes etc. are part of her pitching in to the family so not so flexible but a messy room, within reason (ie. not maggots on food plates under the bed and dirty knickers dangling on the door knob) should be expected with kids, and maybe you should close the door and let her have her own space in her own style.
I honestly would have fought my mum tooth and nail over the rules you describe in your house.
Shut her door. As pp have said, choose your battles.
My mother is like you. She drove me nuts as a teenager. Still does when I stay with her. I'm actually fairly tidy when left to my own devices but the constant nagging to have everything in its place drove me to distraction and made me not want to do it. Once when I was 17 my parents went away for a weekend and mother rang me to check if I had tidied!
Why can't she have a messy room? Most teenagers do. She'll grow out of it!
Doesn't everyone shower every night? I'm talking quick 10 minute showers
There's nothing 'quick' about a ten minute shower! I've never been able to understand what on earth people do in the shower tbh.
A quick shower for me is in, scrub, shampoo, out...3 mins. 10 minutes is a full head to toe exfoliation, cut toenails, shaving my arms, legs and foof and shampooing and conditioning my hair. Definitely not something I do every day.
Showering daily is normal! As is changing your clothes and smelling nice (she'll grow into this promise). You should be making her do chores in rotation, dishes, washing, ironing, hoovering etc. However I wouldn't get fussed about a bit of mess in her room. I think once a week to tidy/clean should be sufficient
You are taking it way too far.
A few dishes in the sink aren't going to hurt anyone, and her bedroom being a bit messy doesn't harm you in any way. Back off her a bit, shes at an age were she will push back to get a reaction, pick your battles
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